Ceremony 23

October 25, 2009


You are the most precious possession you have.



Tonight’s ceremony started off different than any other time that I can recall… After drinking my ‘dose’ I lay back in the rocker and drifted in Luco’s icaros, letting it ‘hold me’ and allow space for meandering too… The evening was very still; it was the last ceremony for three other attending tonight.

I deliberately kept the entryway into tonight’s journey ‘simple’, wishing Aya (Ayahuasca) to bring those lessons and revelations it wished.

Opening my eyes I could feel a slight breeze and distinctly heard the sound of wings flapping in front of me; it was dark, a slight light in the sky could be seen from the C.H. though none of it filtered in… Later Aya would tell me that the winged sounds were her.

Much of this ceremony involved my being-state of consciousness merging with the icaros; also learning/practicing more and more how to apply humility and gratefulness to my present perceptions, no matter the dimension it’s ‘in’.

The external visions were minimal due to the blackness of night, too, the electric realm had not manifested itself as intense as other nights…


Poems


Tonight I purged ‘Selfishness,’ and Aya told me that she would (this night) return me to writing poetry, to always keep her in mind/heart while writing: That the poems did not have to be about her, only that I honor her relationship with me.

She told me tonight that there were no longer any “big dangers” in me and recapped points concerning being her son, protected by her being in me and that she wanted me back here in Peru “as quick as possible.” Following this were details alluding to the fact that things would unfold and work their way out once I am back in CA. I briefly asked about my new friend and she replied that I was doing well with the friendship, i.e., she gave me an affirmative sense concerning this… She also outlined various ‘appropriate’ guidelines to follow.


Bee-medicine


Towards the middle of the ceremony Aya called upon me to send “honey” from my heart to one of the attendees who was having a difficult night; while in a state-of-being that I sensed was connected to the Bee-medicine, I made narrow squeezing gestures with a prayer-hand posture placed in front of my heart and directed the ‘flow’ towards her… Several times I experienced dark thoughts/energies; Aya told me that these were those of the person purging.

Allot of sweating towards the end of the ceremony and deep yawns… [Again, no dry heaves; she told me tonight that I was “clean” and that I’d have no more dry heaves.]

Throughout the night I sent Love and Acceptance towards my parents, friends and those who have hurt me, forgiving them.

Note: On purging ‘Selfishness’ I experienced a state of consciousness where I was taken back (or deeper presently arrived) to a state of utter awe and precious dedication to myself, this existence, body and mind: I was told by a voice that, “You are your most precious possession.” It was here that I sensed the renunciation of external objects/possessions as affirmations/projections of me, i.e., types of needs, etc. Then followed the deep, lengthy yawn-purge of Selfishness.

Near the middle of this evening Yage thanked me and quietly commended me on being ‘careful’ with her temple, etc. She continued and said, “You are my most precious heart possession.” and that she had “billions of billions of hearts.”


Heart thrones


I experienced, alongside returning to this extraordinary state of selfhood/sensing my clear-conscience-self as my most prized possession, that Aya was courting me: Soon she would say, “Let’s make love inside your heart.”

As I was already laying down on my right side, a strange phenomenon then occurred, my head and neck started to convulse and shake deeply in a muscular way that I’ve never experienced in my life. As this was occurring a state of utter beholding and awe flooded over me; her voice told me that this would finish and complete the protection of my crown chakra; there may have been something concerning the finishing of some kind of armor as well (?)

Aya added after the heart-love-making that I was both “son and lover.” For a brief flash I understood this in the context revealed, i.e., that she (Yage) belonged to a sort of uncategorized-able feminine, omni-feminine, an All roles at once-Being.


One thousand years


At some point in the ceremony (after the heart-love) my left side was hurting: my hand involuntarily went there and began massaging it deeply, delicately; once again she told me that I’d heal people with my hands with her help and that I was born a healer (something to this effect).

She also told me that I should never massage anyone voluntarily, that I had absorbed allot of negative energies of others by voluntarily touching/massaging them…

She continued to say that the mild pain at my left side was now a psychic wound from a battle injury a thousand years ago… She concluded by saying that in the next ceremony we’d travel in Space, that she would teach me more, show me gifts (?) and finalize the healing of this wound.

Note: I briefly experienced 3-4 times the headdress manifestation of/on me, i.e., the headdress of the Goddess of Love.

This night Luco did a healing ventiata over me; as this was happening Aya told me to give/express my gratitude to him… As she said this I bowed my head as low as it could go and entered a deep state of emptying myself of all mind, all contrast, all expectation and commentary, expressing quiet, a most inner, inner humility and gratitude, that mind could not go here with me.

As he began to do this ventiata Aya told me that he would be clearing the rest of a mind-residue via the love-making that triggered a type of mind-purge; this purge continued well into the afternoon of the following day, and finally seemed to end once I went down to the river for the third time that day: Paul and I first went there around 1AM…
Additionally, there was a message that he was clearing away “ghosts from my past.”

Note: Paul’s ceremony vision of me sitting down on the ground in a market surrounded by Peruvian women; he said that I was “drunk with ecstasy and had a very big smile.” I also had a beautiful dream of holding my father and coming home inside his heart-field.


Bee


I sent heart-honey several times to the attendee this night; while this took place Aya was subtly teaching me about when and when not to ‘get closer’, ‘involve’ deeper and to not engage the person’s energy field-open-purge, i.e., to allow her to work solely at this/that stage, etc.

Again, I was reminded to be very careful, that all my actions were alive, to be cautious with choice and patient with evil/darkness.

Towards the beginning of the ceremony I felt that the bee-medicine was some how ‘open’, various vague gestures, sensations and partial visions hinted at it, though it seemed to stay at my peripheral (?) Later my hands would involuntarily draw antennae at either side of my head and I would enter a deep, inexplicable trance state that I simply cannot describe with words…

I sense that this was some sort of entry or standing at the doorway of some ‘connection’ (?)

During this hive mind trance a spot in the middle of my chest started aching; I massaged this with a sort of acupressure and it seemed to unlock a deeper state of trance connection; the ‘connection’ did seem shared by ‘so much’ that ‘sense of one’ made no play within ‘me.’ I was it and ‘it’ was indistinct, blank, awesome…

Note: Allot of hand and arm gestures throughout the night as Luco sang the icaros and I hummed, silently whistled and pronounced along with him… Beautiful! (Similar ones to those I have occur with the Indian music.)

There was a point where I envisioned ‘clear skulls’ or at least the sensing of the subject matter of them in my consciousness… And a connection with fellow Paul: Deeper consideration for him inside unconditional friendship of soul evolution and taking Ayahuasca… To (for all those I experience) let go of knit-picky nesses, small details, expectation and comparing.


Mind is your original friend.


Note: The clearing out of my mind: the thoughts coming to me that ‘Mind is your original friend. It is not mind, it is its diapers needing to be changed.’

Shamanic moderation… Aya told me that I was suffering for my father and my family generations too; that he (my father) was growing too through these ceremonies…

The time spent at the dining table in the Main House after ceremony: my eyes were very sensitive and the body very weak in the morning/early afternoon via the effects of Sanango… Deep contemplation of Contemplation while at the table.


Suns


Aya told me that she’d “provide a vehicle” for the birth of my son… It was on this night that I sensed that I was ready to have a child in my life, yet I cannot see this unfolding presently (?) A deep mystery is building…

As I was thinking about sending healing towards my mother and father, Aya told me to relax, that tonight the healing was for me; deep gratitude! Embracing of myself and extraordinary blissful-joy! At one point towards the end of the ceremony I experienced what seemed like the beginnings of the formation of my own icaros, though made totally of sounds, no phrases/words.

While Paul was receiving his ventiata from Luco, my right hand was following/imitating the shaking rhythm of the leaf fan and going over my chest and chakra areas.

There were several sessions tonight where I lay making hand and arm gestures, pulling energies/bridging the sex chakra with the crown chakra, clearing, sending out positive/healing energies, hearts, etc. A first; to be prompted to send healing from the bathroom…

Aya saying at the beginning, middle and end of ceremony,
“I am not Ayahuasca, I am Ayahuasca; love them both.”

Aya told me that, “This is your last incarnation, you will not have to do this again.” (?)

Ayahuasca also recapped the ‘caffeine question’ (although I did not ask it on this night) by gently saying, “I am the only caffeine you need.”

Ceremony 22

October 23, 2009



Going into this ceremony I did not have any specific healing-wishes in mind (as instructed by Yage in the last ceremony). I was wondering briefly about Corn-medicine, what it would be, etc. Once again, the effects of this brew came on quickly: I found myself having to lay down, while completely immersed in Luco’s icaros…

Much of this ceremony (2 ½ hours and several hours with others at the Main House) would be spent ‘building’ the aspects of Love and Forgiveness outside myself, investing it into the atmosphere…

Allot of heat (body) from the Sanango, while Yage told me that there would be no purging (referring to dry heaving) tonight, though some was expressed through yawning, sweating allot and the usual bathroom trips… (It was on this night that I sensed for the first time that the Medicine gave me a subtle warning or caution about too much salt and to be moderate with it: The fish for breakfast was too salty; so this is where I finally traced it.)

Note: There was possibly a second comment by Yage towards the end of the ceremony that they’d be no more dry heave purges…

It was one of the most interactive ceremony nights that I’ve had so far, as fulfilling Luco’s request that we try humming or singing quietly along with him so to move closer to the power of the icaros. I recall telling him that, “You’re in my blood.”

Tonight I purged ‘Seriousness.’

There were a few points in the ceremony where I knew that the Yage and Sanango were purging mind-ash, i.e., small flakes of doubt, personal qualifying of others, ungratefulness, etc.

It was an incredible event, to be the pure conscious witness to the Space of Mind being purified slowly by the dissolving of ‘debris’! At one place I simply let it all go while Yage ‘operated’… I felt as though my mind was being ‘breathed into.’

There was a moment where the ‘little boy’ within me said that he was happy for me/with me, proud, etc. This was an extraordinary feeling of objective confirmation: On a similar note, Yage would tell me that my appreciation/care for my mother and father was genuine, for me to show this through actions… I felt the implication was that not only are words cheap, thoughts are as well… Several recaps concerning the ‘tricky mind’ warning (and more examples of it.)


Love


This was somewhere between mid-ceremony and late that I was very deep into the Medicine-zone, when Yage took me to a place (?) I do not know where this was… There she began to reveal to me that I would experience/be the Apex of Love; vaguely I could make out rainbow patterned, crystal pyramids in a semi-dark landscape, very hazy though.

I recall an emotional opening, deep breaths, though no specific theme or vision associated with the experiencing of the apex… The spirit-state dove deeper and suddenly something other than Yage was near me: A voice told me that I would be outfitted with the headdress of the Goddess of Love…

My hands involuntarily locked onto the front and back of my skull and began quivering as if it (the headdress) were being grafted/welded into place, never to be taken off… My neck and shoulders relaxed, I dropped my head over the edge of my pillow/mat and surrendered to this incredibly profound experience of cosmic pause and awe…

I experienced myself as Love at the top of an all seeing position in black Space, observing the suffering of a single soul, i.e., the young woman stationed near to me in the ceremony room…

The voice told me that I now had a different level of free choice, to be careful because, “Everything you do is alive.”

There was a sense that every action from that point onwards would have a kind of eternal consequence for me… The Goddess of Love told me that this was a gift and not a project.

Yage added that this role comes with many “expensive perks.” I laughed at this paradox, while throughout the whole ceremony I danced with my hands and arms to Luco’s icaros.


Velvet heart-wings


As I lay there I thanked God, Yage and my parents; I did this always throughout this ceremony and while confronted by opposing darknesses… Also I was sending non-stop heart energies to my mother and father; they were my anchors in this often tempestuous tidal… (I was also previously told that I was a ‘servant of God,’ a kind of reaffirming [in a different context] from a ceremony long ago where it first introduced itself.)

Still laying down, I was wondering what the headdress looked like, since when it went on I did not see it… Several moments later, again, my hands involuntarily went behind my head and with fingers spread apart, my hands began to shake and vibrate; as this occurred, it was similar to a peacock opening its feathers, suddenly there appeared in my consciousness a huge concave-like shape with hearts filling it out, heart shapes made of living butterflies, there were thousands of these.

I do not recall seeing a distinct boarder though vaguely felt it was there… [I was manifesting with this headdress present to my inner eye-consciousness when I was drying Taylor’s head with a towel during one of her most difficult nights with the Medicine to date, while with another attending her in the main House.]

I received a communication in the ceremony; it is vague as to where it came from… It was in relation to a fellow journeyman who has not had any visions for 15-20 ceremonies: the voice stated that if they’d cease cussing, i.e., creating a more subtle, gentler ‘vision’ of themselves, that they’d get them…


All father


I lay on the mat for most of the ceremony… I experienced Luco as ‘All Father.’ For a time (while a headlamp was switched on) I saw what looked like electronic-Shipibo design-vines twirling out of his head, disappearing into the darkness; I witnessed the Eternal aspect of ‘Father’, dedicated, strong, consciously strict and with direction, etc. It was an incredible vision of this archetypal being invested in near human form! To be immersed in another’s magic of being eternally what they are!

There was an incredible sense and message given to me concerning my building of myself, that ‘everything counts.’ Throughout the night I battled Sanango fatigue to churn deep into my heart and send out hearts and the will to Love and Forgive…

Towards the end of ceremony I had a brief contact with beings made entirely of jewels: A deeply profound meeting, a cosmic inhale and exhale, a pause, anticipation, consideration, reverence, innocence and a vague/slight sense of a ‘To be continued.’

There was a moment where Yage told me that care giving may be better for me than construction; this was left open-ended…


Corn medicine


It was mid ceremony when the lesson of Corn-medicine arrived: As I was laying down, a voice came to me and said that (or asked me/I do not recall the exact wording) the Earth would be receiving the spirit/energy of my seed for healing… It concluded that, “It might feel strange.” I did not feel anything distinctly odd/physical, though could vaguely discern a slight vertical energy being transferred downward from the pelvic area, though this was so subtle that I cannot vouch 100% for this process via its first time; I will try and ‘do’ this myself, applying it in another ceremony…

Afterward I thanked the Earth for my existence and body that is from hers, and touched the concrete that I sensed was her cool skin… I believe ‘she’ spoke saying, “Help heal me.” Something to this effect…


God-seed


After the headdress experience, as I lay experiencing a sort of vague pulsating down into what doesn’t have a bottom, through the beautiful blankets of mind, a voice and image appeared; it said something like, “Be very careful with your life, you now have a god-seed within you.

Suddenly there appeared a huge eye (many miles across) and on it was growing a million millions* of cities. *This phrase was actually from the vision experience, i.e., there was a sort of narrator occurring as my viewing consciousness was experiencing this, telling me the details of this illustration/vision: It added that the Earth is an ‘Eye’ and it may have mentioned something about God’s eye. (?)

Towards the end of the night, while laying in bed, I experienced a brief connection with my new friend; a sort of aura-outline seemed to be in the air near me… I sent energies towards her, moving energies, unraveling, etc.

Briefly I experienced the feminine winged one (i.e., Wings with eyes) while listening to Luco’s icaros in ceremony. Also while humming and pronouncing along with him I could feel how the icaros lives/lived inside me, how my breathing became automatically modulated to the tonalities of the icaros, how something else seemed to be breathing them out through me, breathing through them as if I were a flute of the Plant Spirits and these icaros were being taught, though held not in mind-memory, rather in another dimension of my specific relationship with the Yage-work…

Sending out fields of flowers and hearts.


Soul cape. Misc. Notes


As Paul left the Ceremony House I looked over and saw him depicted as an electronic sheet of Shipibo designs: As his voice spoke out saying, “goodnight” I had the incredible, emotional-tactile sense of his eternity, of his forever-existence; incredible, that in this ‘sheet of music’ was his voice, (coming from a central nucleus) its playing!

Later in the night, while resting in the hammock I experienced incredible hand gestures/languages being born from me, alongside a deep love-trance I was having; allot of tiredness, though a semi-heavy constant presence of focused/alert love… Note: Looking into/at my right hand; briefly experiencing it looking similar to a frog’s hand or some sort of aquatic creature, alien-like.

A brief connection (when looking at a plastic cap and placing it on various fingers) with my Great Grandmother while I was sitting at the dining table with a cup of tea and recalling the thimble she used to use in sowing.

The thanking of Luco and the silence, the sense of a father’s discipline looking over us. The incredible lesson concerning staying with the ceremony, how the Icaros are being grafted onto me, seemingly forever altering my destiny and soul-constitution (Note: out of all the ceremonies so far, it’s only been one where I’ve left early due to a very strict order from Yage to get in the shower; for some reason she was building this lesson…)

Not to look for Evil.

Towards the end of the ceremony, while still laying on my mat, I experienced a part of my consciousness leave and go outside to the front of the Main House to perform a dance as one of the Wrathful Deities of Tibetan Buddhism (The same manifestation as that of Ceremony 20.)

Sending numerous heart shapes out into the atmosphere of dark energies…

Tiny skulls changing to flowers/jewels…

Note: In one ceremony I called upon all those totems that have come into my experience (excepting the crow); I remember them gathering in one inner vision-space, though it was very quiet, nothing was initiated…

Last night (this ceremony) I experienced a total falling back in love with myself, a deep reentry into my interior occupation of this body, saturating it with the fullness of my being-with-time and inside time. An incredible event; smelling my skin, seeing, as if for the first time, my arms, wrists, hands and kissing them: the soul laying with the body…

Note: While in ceremony, feeling animal-like as I lay listening to Luco’s icaros (totally relaxed).

Towards the end of the ceremony (after the Goddess of Love event) I connected to the suffering of a person participating… A thought came to me about being glad that it wasn‘t me, that I was over the big purges; immediately I felt an enormous humility wave over me, a voice/sensation told me that it could happen to me at any time in regular life, revealing to me an awesome view into my actual level of true-vulnerability as a soul in a fleshy body exposed to this external world.

Afterward, I felt that I purged ‘Pride’ tonight; this deepened my state of love-possession, making it more urgent and preciously now, so careful, delicate, ominous and all.

Ceremony 21

October 22, 2009


“Do not think… Listen to what others are saying
as if it’s a song; reply with your song.”



I dedicated this ceremony to my mother, wishing to facilitate healing her in whatever way the Medicine would allow… (Beginning this ceremony with another 1/3 cup dose.) Ayahuasca told me tonight, in the Ceremony House, that I’d be learning some Tortoise-medicine this evening.

The purge began by Yage telling me that this would heal my mother’s sexuality. The purges were deep and medium, so far as number and duration… Mild yawning-purges and allot of follow-over material from the last ceremony.

I felt the Sanango set in quick: Hotness for the most part, though rather cold in the beginning stages of the night. Soon after the purges, very early on into the ceremony, Yage told me to go take a shower. I do not recall any visions in the C.H., though do remember that the Shipibo designs came on quick as I went to the bathroom in the C.H. Allot of purging through the intestinal/bowels (more than any other ceremony so far).

I left the C.H. and proceeded to take a shower in the Main House; once again I experienced the extraordinary joy of being Yage’s son. She seemed quick to get me under the cold water, though I was already cold with the Sanango working; then she quickly ushered me to get dressed and warm. I caught a chill coming out of the shower and experienced my body/mind panic a little, she reassured me that I’d be fine, that I was in her hands.

Shaking I got dressed, though too, throughout the night I’d change my shirt 2-3 times (Allot of sweating along with very intense Sanango sensations, nearly too much at times, where I was forced (somewhat) to surrender, breath deep and present my consciousness to the process. Several times Yage took me back from dancing or waiting to go into the Dining Room, to have me lay down in bed, so to “Let Sanango do its work.”

While laying in bed, there was immense love being given to me from Ayahuasca and further commitment questions from her: She asked me if I was willing to do without sex for awhile, dedicate myself totally to her, etc., I said, “Yes” emphatically… Previously, at the beginning of the ceremony I asked Yage to help me deepen my capacity to Love and Forgive; this worked itself out through two channels of struggle, one was pushing through (with dance and sending more and more love-intent to my mother) the fatigue of Sanango’s actions on my body, while the other was pretty intense, where the power of ‘Doubt’ visited and there began an incredible struggle between my Loving and Forgiving soul nature-state and Doubtful mind…

Note: I kept a cup of water by my bed that I’d wet my mouth with and was later allowed by Yage to drink small sips. Saying to myself several times throughout the night, “I am fine” helped allot to settle me into my own arms.


Mining mind


My mother’s spirit-form came to me while I was laying down and I was summoned to heal ‘her’ while still under the mosquito netting (in bed) [This was also while I was in the mode of turtle-medicine.]

Moving my hands (I was also listening to Ravi Shankar) from her spirit’s root chakra to its crown; I was intuitively (without any forethought) opening and clearing ‘debris’, adding flowers, fields of freedom, fruit trees, love, forgiveness, etc.

As this was happening I would hear a voice saying things like, ‘You’re being crazy.’, ‘You’re brainwashed.’, ‘Imagining things, fooling yourself, stupid, etc.’ All the while the very force that created this dialog was also creating the belief in its own echo…

It was an incredible time, as I had to go deeper into my valuation for my retrieved, rediscovered joy-state, dance it out through hand/arm gestures and by releasing unrelenting heart-energies towards my mother..

Note: After leaving the C.H. early on, I was very deep into the electronic realm once again (as in the ceremony prior) and the closeness to Yage was so incredible!

I sent many hearts, drawn out in space with my hands, to my mother… Most of my ‘dancing’ took place laying down. At one point I totally accepted my mother, held her, holding, holding, (a sort of ‘completion’ from the previous ceremony’s unexpected pause in my healing-dance) while being on the precipice of total acceptance, present-faith-consciousness and forgiveness/empathy and doubting, qualifying mind: At one point Yage said, “Let’s go purge for your mother’s material (or dark energies).” [something referring to the sexual healing.] This was my first purge in the house this night, my second was that of purging Doubt…

Note: My joy is my cause. Saying ‘yes’ to all of Life’s expressions.

Shortly after purging Doubt, my mind approached me, somewhat disgruntled… Then something incredible occurred, my consciousness was being shown the mind for its inherited nature’s via the external world, solar system, etc. (It is difficult to write exactly what the origin of my mind ’is’, only that it is a ‘part’, my small part to be consciously responsible for.)

I suddenly came to the revelation that it was to be my partner in helping me be more clever in maintaining my joy, that I’d be its friend, wished to Love and Cherish it… At first it was reluctant, as if it had never been asked or told that it was beautiful. Soon it said, “Ok”.


Carriage I-age


Note: At one place in the night Yage showed me the ‘red skeleton teacher’ figure that I experienced over a year ago in a sort of shamanic dream journey. Yage calmly said that everything was ok… Then, gently, Ayahuasca introduced me to vague (so far as specifics), though distinct powers/forces of Death and Renewal through destruction.

Soon afterward, while laying in bed, I felt a presence arrive outside: my inner vision showed me a large black skeleton on a coach/wagon, at the reigns of black horses: There was a tinge of holiness/royalty in the air around this being…

Once this image was complete inside my consciousness, Yage immediately humbled me, I became very silent and was instructed to be patient and forgiving towards evil, that which manifested as other than love.

This was an incredible turn around, both being in making friends with my mind as an entity unto itself and a heart position with the evils of the world stage.

I could distinctly sense a distance, that I had made a choice to serve Yage, the Light, and that the darkness was still marching to its drum, only, that to try and drown out the music would not be me, only my mind’s imitation of what it was hearing evil doing.

I was shown how the external expression of life was my Yes-material: (At this stage tonight, I said “Yes” aloud several times.) The immensity of this revelation! I recall dedicating myself to saying ‘Yes’ to hearing and being with the world’s ‘labor pains’. A kind of commitment…


A boy


As I lay in bed, sweating, going deeper and deeper into the lessons being revealed, an absolutely incredible event occurred… I looked up, masses of love and openness filled me, my inner little boy was smiling and so happy with me (there was also a pictorial vision of a little boy laughing, arriving on the scene; possibly a different boy?) Suddenly it came to me that I wanted/or was to have (both simultaneously) a child, possibly a little boy? [I am not sure, though it felt like an omen of an actual birth and not something symbolic or isolated to the spirit-child within me; possibly the spirit-child’s second incarnation to come?]


Turtle


While still laying in bed, my body took on the sudden, involuntary posture of an upside down turtle (with my feet and arms at sticking out/right angled postures). The message that came to me was that although the turtle possesses a hard, thick shell for protection from the external world, that the design of its shield is ultimately beautiful first and foremost, that its beingness and participation, its soul connection with holy life was being displayed on its shell, that the shell was a sort of personal (like a tiger’s stripes) revealing of its holy reconciliation between vulnerability and basic survival…

This ‘fable’ taught me, though I cannot write it out complete, a valuable lesson in attitude and spirit; its link to, “Do not think… Listen to what others are saying as if it’s a song; reply with your song.” was a further deepening of this lesson with an actual demonstration of a creature-being of nature and the ‘galaxy’ of life on Earth…

Note: There is a connection here with the healing of my mother’s (as stated above) spirit-body in that I was ‘in’ the turtle medicine state while doing that healing session; I could feel the shell looming behind me as I sat up in bed motioning through the chakra work, etc.


We are cradles


The several times I went to the bathroom while in the Main House, I recall Yage telling me that these purges were the last remnants of Doubt and black mind shades (not actual quotes here).

I spent time clearing my body of residue-gray energies while in bed (The Sanango kept me horizontal for about an hour or more.) I recall making conscious connection and hand gestures in the air to share/fuse my sex chakra with my third eye center or reconciled-joy. Throughout the night I was busy reinforcing my commitment to joy, love and forgiveness: the purge lasted far into today, as I write this in my journal…

There was a moment in ceremony, possibly while in the Main House, that I connected to Taylor, one of the apprentices… [It is my perception that Yage brought me the link to this personal aspect of hers direct, i.e., that there was no mixing of it via my own story, before or afterward.]

I experienced her (Taylor’s) extraordinary power of motherhood and dedication to her family, an incredible gift! Inspiring and humbling too, to be shown another’s magic in action via their conscious way! After the ceremony, prior to going to the river, I spoke to her about it and told her that I was grateful for the gift; a beautiful connection while in the zone…

Note: Yage told me (after I asked God and Yage to keep me humble) that “To write and offer the world these accounts; that I’d be a news reporter for this dimension.” There was also a comment about the Ayahuasca dimension being the primary subject/context, while I’d be somewhat in the middle/back ground.

While sitting after the ceremony at the dining table, a fellow journeyman asked me how I was and I replied that I was still very deep in the Medicine and still ‘seeing things,’ etc. This person asked me to take this ‘seeing’ and look at what seemed stuck at their solar plexus region: Looking, I ‘felt’ and slightly envisioned a baby swaddled in dried leaves or a sort of mummy-wrapping.

I asked the person if they’d ever been involved in an abortion and they said ‘No’, though did not rule out a past life scenario… Looking deeper I could see that it resembled the Hades aesthetic, which I am a little familiar with… Emotionally and intuitively I sensed that I had to be very cautious not to touch her physically, to clear and unwrap/dispense certain tenseness and stuck fear within this ‘baby.’

After finishing the clearing, I mentioned to her to move it to her heart, to keep it warm, safe, love it, etc. (Prior to this they said that it had moved after I made the hand gestures over it.) Later I’d choose not to ask about further assistance to them, feeling that it was more gentle and right to go and lay down in my bed and be with the heart of my experiences, that they’d ask for help if needed, and certainly the Medicine was in full glory and command.

It was interesting because as I sat prior to going to bed, wondering if I was still in the zone enough to assist if they needed it, I played the Indian music to find out. When it triggered the shamanic dance-modalities in me, I knew I could still help, it was here that Yage seemed to give me my first choice to make; it was an incredible crossroads, where ‘the volunteering knight in shinning armor’ was better left to its readied stance. A beautiful freedom arrived through letting go of wondering and trusting the other to ask and ultimately Yage to always succeed.


Mother


There was a moment in the evening where I danced and hugged my mother, when I embraced motherhood and felt that I had become a complete ‘son’ of Woman/feminine, etc. It was a connection on a higher level of ‘woman’ than Yage, where my mother was the symbol: I understood and sensed the holy dedication I have to her (my mother), to the care and willingness to give via sacrifices, devotion, etc. There was also a point where I fully embraced her as herself, no more pre-qualifications from Mind, all heart-trust, trust, trust…

Yage mentioned again, “No more big purges.” Though there would be other aspects of Mind to purge, and to be careful about who I bring into ceremony to heal, to try during the next ceremony to simply be with the teaching/lessons.

On this night, intuitively, and with my left hand, I did acupressure on my right arm and leg, the arm was much better the next day, while the leg is still a little sore and stiff.

Deep, deep silence while sitting at the table; the little purge after walking back from the river.


Prayer


While laying in bed, I had the experience of making the connection to my prayer-time as a child (The actual night the invention of the drawstring-retriever came to me, and all my prayers to God for wisdom and the power to do good.)

Sensing again my soul’s beginning level of resurrection from the swamp to the lotus… Thanking God, the angels, Mom and Dad, Yage, Luco, my friends, forgiving those who have hurt me, etc., throughout the night several times…

Feeling my mind-heart connection being rewired throughout the day as usual everyday scenarios would present themselves and as I tried to align my responses according to the lessens and what I felt deeper as being real and right for me…

Yage told me several times in the night that it* was “ok”, that I (and “We”) can honor the request to stay in the Ceremony House until it’s finished. I did not know about having to stay in until it was over. Later in the night, after the ceremony was over, I sent Luco allot of apologies and asking for forgiveness concerning the early exit: too, I sent him a huge white, spirit-lotus… *Leaving early to take a shower per Ayahuasca’s request.

Throughout the night, Yage would also remind me many times, warning me of tricky mind constructions, etc.

Making heart signs surrounding my mother, possibly for each chakra (?).

It is almost as if the state of joy, wonder, new love for this difficult world is acting as a sort of psychic purge too… It is difficult to say since the Medicine is working parallel to me, even now at 8PM while writing in my journal I am still feeling the effects of Sanango…

Yage mentioned to me, “In the next ceremony you’ll learn something about Corn Medicine.”


The birth of death


Re-sensing the past, the things/actions of others that used to bother me and knowing that life is coming to me as my reflection-visiting; this revelation is immense and it is my deepest heart-want to give back the power of transformative-love/presence to this mirroring phenomenon.

Feeling throughout the night a new level of gratefulness for being a soul in a body: Looking down and seeing my body as a House of My Choices, choosing, a sort of plant and that my seed is a kind of holy-belonging, that these organs, blood, etc., are a ‘raw material’ for my soul to consciously embody and create itself through to the birth of death.

The awesome surrender and letting go of Doubt: How my presence and soul-being kept dancing through Doubt and mind-name-calling! Most beautiful Medicine!

We all went to the river around 3AM.

Smiling with Paul, Taylor and the others…

To see people, free from Doubt and Want…

The offering to one of the visitors a necklace to wear after their difficult ceremony: my initial wearing of it for company, envisioning the snakes and berry shrubs near me.

Ceremony 20

October 20, 2009

Wings of eyes


Tonight’s ceremony was dedicated to my father, to healing and helping him in any way… I went into the ceremony with a little trepidation, since throughout the day I had been getting ominous visions/feelings that seemed to be generated from the Hades-realm.

I delivered my apology to one of the apprentices (See Ceremony 19) in the evening, prior to this ceremony and felt, with this gesture, that my purge had finally completed. I went into this ceremony having healed with him and possessing one focus, towards my Dad…

I drank a little more than a quarter cup; the effects (feeling the door to the electronic realm slowly swing open) began within 5-8 minutes, and soon I found myself in the traditional Shipibo design motifs and heading towards the bathroom (several times). Yage told me that tonight was not going to be anything like last evening, though it would not be easy and I would soon be purging my father’s material…


Strict roses


My consciousness was turned into a deep psychic traveling, far into the breast of father-heritage. The sudden aspect of ‘Strictness’ arose and this is what Yage told me that I would be purging… For the next 1 ½ hours I spent purging and contemplating my relationship to my father, to my own personal investment in the phenomenon of ‘Strict’, opening my heart, praying, thanking Yage, God, my parents, Luco, etc. for this opportunity…

I was immersed within this sense of strictness, while Yage told me that I’d be purging for my father, my father’s father and my entire family’s lineage. The purge consisted mainly of deep dry heaves and much conscience-connections to my own inheritance and subconscious possession/lifestyle of strictness.


Inner reign


It was between 11:30 PM and 12:00 AM that Yage told me that I needed to go to the shower… Luco was giving Jeff a healing ventiata as I silently exited to the Main House. Deeply immersed in the electronic realm I entered under the water. This was the earliest to date that I’ve been able to leave the Ceremony House to take a shower while not deeply ‘kept-in-place’ by the purge process.

It is vague as to what I experienced this first of three showers that Yage would have me take (a sort of final cleanse/rinse in the purge process): As I entered the house I could feel that I was still ‘swollen with the expectancy of more purge’, i.e., I could sense both physical-mass and psychic mass-subjects in my belly…

I bathed, changed clothes and stood awhile, then went to the dining area. Yage told me that I needed to lay down, so I turned around, trekking back to my bedroom. Once in bed, she also suggested that I listen to some music, specifically Ravi Shankar; as I turned the Ipod on, it was already set to this… (The electrical/astral realm buzzed around me like a light, transparent, ultra vague green glow; I feel that when I am immersed in this realm that I am wearing a small part belonging to The Skin of the World-galaxy and myself, simultaneously.) I believe it was a little after 12 AM at this point, just the peak of a night-journey dimension that would last until 4 AM…


The Cabinet


I laid down and pressed ‘play’: As the music started I began to dance with my eyes, arms and hands, asking Yage and God to help me open my heart, to heal my father, etc.

Suddenly I found myself in some sort of gazebo located in a very vague garden outpost (the location is vague since the nocturnal lighting was very dim.) At this moment I knew that Grandmother Ayahuasca was standing next to me, although I could not see her.

A cabinet presented itself to me, it had two distinct halves; on the right were the instruments and medicines/potions of the Brujo (dark magic), while on the left were those of the Curendero (light magic): Yage, either prior to this scene or slightly parallel to it, began to shower me with love and jewels, mercy and welcoming, emotionally it was nearly heart attack material! Within this context she said that I was now her “son”, her “little boy”, although, too, I had in my possession “expensive freewill/choice”.

I chose the left half… The light-aspects that suddenly infused and bonded to my consciousness were Love and Forgiveness. I felt a nearly Deity-like level of existence in me, as if I was the Deity of these aspects, the child of their union, the possessor of these since they both came together to fulfill me with such endless awe…


Grace and gratefulness


I lay in bed dancing with my hands; as astonishing as it sounds, the music was exactly on key with each stage of this unfolding, each song seemed perfectly choreographed to meet what was occurring in me…

Continuous golden dust, stars, jewels, milk, sun, love, compassion, holding and releasing; all was showering into me. Yage continued, saying that there would no longer be any “big purges”, that I would only experience “gifts”, though that I too must give gifts through my daily actions/deeds, a reciprocal alignment, again, the “expensive free will” came to my consciousness.

There was a hint that I would be purging other people’s materials, though that as I was now her child, these would be brief or of a different level than the personal redemption-path as before…

The sense of completion, of returning home was galactic; I was Source, though incredibly stable in the humility of being a fledgling of Love and Forgiveness, yet sensing myself as a timeless deity of these light-aspects…


Waterfall standing


Yage asked/told me to take another shower: Once under the shower, I sensed Ayahuasca’s presence; standing, I experienced an incredible level of joy and play, a new child under a waterfall of acceptance, home, love, a sort of completion… Newness again, of body and pure presence…

I stood under the water with my arms spread out as if gesturing like a bird that’s about to launch into flight, while with an incredible smile, eyes wide with returning, wonder and happiness.

I was told by Yage, “Here (referring to me), this is the ultimate sculpture to be made.” I sensed then that much of sculpture is affirmative on a subconscious level to such moments of spirit-work as this… This sculpture comment was not one suggesting a static place (some-thing done and over), only, actually a perfect beginning inside the Eternal.

I went back to my room, changed into my swimming trunks, pulling my sweat pants over them and laid back down for awhile, while the music took me deep into the aspects of Love and Forgiveness, the relinquishing of strictness… I believe it was here that Yage mentioned that the flute is the instrument that I’d need to learn to play, that it would be an instrument of healing for me… This advice had a hint of a ceremonial-healing context in it.


Want not


My memory is a little vague, though the outcome was/is the same, in that I sensed I was in the midst of certain ‘heroes’ of my past, spiritual masters who had always given me goosebumps…

Suddenly I spontaneously relinquished/agreed to give up ‘Want’, Yage immediately said, “Ok, let’s go purge that.” As I entered the bathroom, with music gently fixed in my ears, again, the rhythm/score was perfect!

I knelt down and could feel the purge arising and with several involuntary contractions in my guts I deeply dry heaved it out; a mild vomit taste followed, though I had not produced any actual material.

Note: While in the house I purged several times prior to this ‘want-purge’. I believe one time was for my father, though I do not recall the dark-material’s subject…

I walked to the edge of my bed and sat down to put on my socks, to walk around and possibly be with people, I was still very deep in the electronic realm; I could hear the static from time to time while the music was shut off at short intervals throughout the morning.

While I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, Yage said to me, “You can have a cookie, though only one.” Dwelling a moment on the severity of last night’s ceremony and lessons towards ‘slowing down’ and eating treats, I replied, ‘Are you sure?’ She returned by saying, “Yes”. (She also added, “Though, no caffeine.”)

The purging of ‘Want’ was subtle, though throughout the next three hours (till I feel asleep around 4:30AM) and today it would reveal its spaciousness, aspects being born, expansion and a new level of ‘existence behind the mind.’ Again and again, throughout the night, Yage would both remind me of ‘tricky-mind’ and show me several examples of it, which occurred 2-3 times… During this early morning I also visited with the kitten, changed its water and gave it healing energies…


Dark ark


I went to the dinning room and sat down with the cookie and was instructed to make a cup of Chamomile tea; while drinking a few sips I was either still purging or I was ‘approached’ by dark forces…

A sort of Hades-living-tapestry appeared above me, I felt my body hunch over a little, my joy, love and forgiveness slowly surged up into my eyes, as they glowed inner-ly with the spaciousness now available from the purge of Want; the ‘vehicles’ of Love and Forgiveness treated this image with serenity (not wrath), detachment, though attention to detail, emotional worth, heart sensations and then I suddenly heard a faint voice say to ‘dance this out.’

Meanwhile I took the cookie and was perceiving it from the electronic dimension, turning it around in my hand, considering its ‘body’, ‘design’, ‘breath’, etc. This is when I noticed that the pressed design on the cookie’s surface resembled the Chamomile flower illustration on the tea box, near exact; a vague message from Yage arrived, a sort of confirmation concerning ‘drinking flowers’.

I began to eat the cookie in a way I’ve never experienced before: As it entered my mouth, it was as if it were bone, or a dry body, and as it dissolved, mixing with my saliva it gained flesh, nerves, a body to the skeleton, an oasis to the desert…

As I swallowed it I sensed its integration with me and the pleasure of Yage’s gift of ‘Only one cookie.’ I went to drink the tea (either before dancing or after); as it entered my mouth, a voice said, “There’s something evil in there, do not swallow it.” I spit this out in a glass: The voice continued and said that it (the tea-flower) had taken the evil into it. I thanked the flower and was instructed to throw the tea outside on the earth.


Ashes of ashes


I returned to the Ceremony Room briefly to sit in Love with all the others and the space; I could perceive the purge material in the atmosphere, dark portraits and designs; I believe it was here that Yage instructed me to take my third shower where I again experienced the new fledgling joy and her (Yage) toweling me off with embracing, joy, instruction and reassurance of this arrival as her son… I gave thanks to Luco personally prior to leaving the C.H.

Upon my return from the third shower, plugging in the music again, something very unexpected and incredible began; as the music of Ravi Shankar began my body started taking on postures I’ve never experienced before and I began to dance, what I’d later consider was a sort of Shamanic Dancing (with India-ish styles of movements, though by no means the same) where as I danced I could manipulate with cosmic-presence, love, forgiveness, tenderness, attention to emotional detail and transformation, desired/aimed for ‘forces’…

It is difficult to describe what ‘forces’ meant here with a one sentence/paragraph definition; I hope by the next few pages that the definition can go beyond implying…


God-clay


As I began to dance with my father in mind I asked Yage, God, all the angels and forces of Light to help me open my heart… Gestures of my hands pulling out forces of love and passion for forgiveness and compassion occurred. I continued to pull/stretch energies, play with what seemed to be orbs, ever changing in size, density and which I’d send away into the air…

I began to dance with meditations of my father flowing through me, thoughts/emotions of his hard work, his own soul’s path, his offerings of food, shelter, etc., all within the immense cosmic-fact of having done and still doing his best; abstract energies visited me, somewhat neutral though having a confused disposition, I touched, moved and danced into these, dispensing them, creating parallel light-love energies to accompany them in the now and dispense them transformed.

At one point I was making grasping gestures as if I were pulling long filing cabinets forwards in two different directions, i.e., rolling them far in front of me and behind, this was very dynamic, the cabinets/drawers slid out and back very fast for what I sensed was eternally long, never ending. I found myself doing this from head height, all the way down to my shins, since there were levels, i.e., about 4-5 drawers in all, one perfectly positioned and roll-able upon the other (and which could all be sliding by in different directions simultaneously.)

I had the revelation that these were the Ashetic Records, the celestial files of all expressed existence from the beginning, (though I am not sure what this sense of ‘beginning’ is.) The ‘drawers’ may have been long panels, since, as my hands moved over them, I was not filing through, instead it felt more like being at an old fashioned telephone operator station, unplugging and plugging in connections: this phenomenon dispersed and I continued to dance into this energy that I was previously prompted to “dance away.”


Calcium and heartbeats


Suddenly I found myself rhythmically turning around to perceive something connected to my father sitting/being on the ground behind me, yet ‘this ground’, although the perception was that of the dining room floor of the Main House, I distinctly knew that it was also ‘connected’ to another dimension’s ‘ground’, a sort of Hades-space, though not distinctly evil or diabolical, mainly exuding pain, darkness, constipation and sadness…

With extraordinary and never experienced cosmic-level love and choreography, dance movements which held and expressed Universal pure-intents of Love and Forgiveness living/breathing, I began to step into this space and journey towards this ‘little thing.’

I recall feeling an incredible sense of Eternal story, Eternal redemption and Love rising, feathering out of me in ways of conscious sureness of/in love-duty and the power to deliver myself into this role…

As I neared it, I was delicately stepping over obstacles/small barriers, shields and nets of darkness, mists of lonesomeness and grief, sadness and emptiness: I reached down and took it into my hands, it was a baby skeleton who was very angry/irritable, stiff, afraid…

I carried it in my hands while walking/dancing backwards, turning around I cradled it and then held it up, placing it into my heart; once there I could feel that a space above my head was expressing its blossoming and love-transformation: I continued to send love and gratitude towards my father.

Note: Prior to putting the baby skeleton into my heart, I held it in my arms, caressing, celebrating its god parts and objective innocence of being; a kind of heart to body operation.


Heart script


During this time I began to make heart outline-signs with my hands, sending these out, surrounding psychic issues that would surface, i.e., subjects of old mind patterns, attitudes, etc.

At one point in the night I would make this heart outline around my waist (like an equator), actually it was two heart energetic-drawings, one starting its points in the front of me and the other drawn from behind…

I went outside/was called to dance ‘this’ in the outdoors spaciousness and under/into Space (I had my Ipod playing the Ravi Shankar, Chants of India music at this time.) I started by making a heart sign on the earth (in the sand) and writing ‘DAD’ in it, touching it and sending the Love, grounding…

Note: I recall that while I was outside it was here that I began experiencing the overlay of deities within me for the first time: I believe ‘the first’ was one of the Wrathful Deities of Tibetan Buddhism; it was on fire, a little heavy set and holding the balances (Not actual scales; I felt that it possessed a yin/yang aura of action/duty.)

I began to expand the dance (or it may be more right to say that it began expanding me). As I danced I grew, I sensed that I embodied the deity-power of Love and Forgiveness, playing with spheres, energies, columns of energy, all having no specific ‘meaning’, mainly it seemed that all these created shapes/or grasped forms were offerings of a devotion that would later manifest while I lay contemplating the night’s moving towards my taking ‘the tired body’ to bed.

I danced into the Field of Creation, of all light/good beings, calling upon them to come to me: As I looked up into the tall tree canopies and low lying bushes, flashing lights began to show themselves (insects that possess a phosphorescent substance.)

I felt one presence while outside, manifesting as a light cool breeze behind me, though saw no beings arrive: It seemed that this was a time for me to express myself as the son of Yage and light medicine…

I will never forget these moments where I took/received the raw materials from the Field of Creation, investing in them my intents towards my father’s healing, towards Love and Forgiveness, sending them out into Space, Earth itself, an ancient deity-dance of surrender, expression, power of heart and unconquerable Light-soul…

I danced, shimmered, sent energies to the ground, skies, pulled heart-fields and flower-meadows from my inner being, sending these out to enhance the Earth. I did not (hardly ever) think about what I was doing, i.e., no preconceived notions/planning; nearly all of it was ‘all one’ with the music, spontaneous intent and an innate embodiment of these light-aspects…

I sensed that I was not dancing an entirely ‘personal rite’, that it was one primarily set in an ageless tradition of having reached this level of soul-participation, and as these deity-aspects and forms passed and stayed housed in me, they left unmovable ‘prints’ and ‘signs’ inside me as well… I am still processing all of this today, this was an immense night that would seemingly not stop unfolding!


Blessings


As I entered the house, having heard someone come in while I was outside, feeling that a little conversation or trip to the river would be good, I found that it was Luco coming in to go upstairs to rest.

I began dancing again: my hands, arms, torso, hips, legs, feet and head, all synchronized to some ancient chorography (Indian dance?). Though I know nothing of this form of expression, I could feel that each move/gesture had an absolute force and function in the electronic/spirit realm (That Indian dance was originally a shamanic tool?)

As I danced I began to take on the form of what I sensed as Shiva; this initial manifestation was a little confussing since, when I looked down I envisioned an umbrella of cobras appear above my genitals, as I danced longer I felt the presence of her.

For a moment I danced as Shiva, this quickly lead to my embodying another being (Yage herself?) I had never seen before… It started with my hair turning into a blazing orange color and simultaneously growing into long, wavy, sprawled out strands; I gained breasts, became pregnant (pregnant with myself, father and mother). My hips expanded to a healthy maternal capacity, my thighs softly fleshy and tappered with bare feet, I possessed no arms, instead there were huge wings of feathers with eyes (I danced the longest as this deity/being; I recall that I manifested as her twice this night.)

While dancing I was still dispensing energies, sending out Love and Gratefullness to my father, reaffirming and pulling tighter the one pointed aim, that this night be-in-total, without distraction, for him exclusively…


To stone


I recall a moment where the appirition of Medusa came to me while dancing and that I had the epiphany that ‘Turning men to stone’ referred to some ancient place in time where a corruption entered manhood’s upbringing concerning the sacredness of the genital energies, their primary passion and place (as I sense it) being in the field of self procreation and the adding of Light and Love to this Earth-plane and Universe we’re expressing in… That the ‘stone’ effect refers to the erection.

When this image appeared I remember that, with sincere understanding and love, I placed flowers and jewels into its portrait-field, touching it, unwinding the serpents and dispensing it…

As I danced I embodied several more deities: One was Ganesha, with a large bottom, legs and feet, possessing an elephant head: For a time I held one-legged postures while dancing from the waist up.

Additional to the human/deity forms that embodied me, I also found myself as a huge tuft of tall grass, dancing, swaying in some sort of astral-breeze; this flashed in and out of my experience quickly, lasting no more than a couple minutes…

I believe that it was at this stage that my father’s teenage body-spirit appeared in front of me; sensing it like the presence of vapors or a magnetic field between magnets, I went immediately/involuntarily to his feet and held my hands there for a long time, sending energies into them; grounding Forgiveness, going up the body, forgiving, investing flowers, lotuses, love and blessings. I also specifically invested flowers and hearts into the sex chakra, opening this area up, pulling out corrupted energies, bringing freedom, clarity and pureness there.


Laughing Buddha


Suddenly, with more and more heart energies going out to my father (I was dancing for him throughout all the deity-embodiments) something occurred in front of me; my father appeared in another dimension, pictured in my dance-field in the dining room: We danced together, our moves nearly synchronized (though not perfect). I began to cry and dance simultaneously as we joyfully motioned like two laughing Buddhas…

I could feel that we were inextricably connected as Buddha-souls, enduring this living myth… He laughed and smiled, we danced and danced, giggling, coming home into each other, coming home… My joy and ecstatic state was boundless, yet latched to dancing for him.

I began to think about my mother, Yage spoke and said that, “She will have her time.” Once again, I surged ahead, dancing, reestablishing deeper the non-stop feeling of investing Love and Forgiveness towards my father…


Mother reeds


Later, as I lay in the hammock, a sudden intuition came to me. My body was exhausted; Yage told me, “No more showers, though the river in the morning.” This intuition was to dance for my mother’s healing. I got up and quickly broke through the physical barrier of fatigue…

As I danced I took on the form of a paternal deity: First it manifested as a ‘perfect Adam’ character, then Zeus, then a sort of more slender form, possibly the Messenger of the Gods, Mercury… (This may be when I changed and danced again as the winged feminine.)

I danced and began sending Love and Forgiveness, healing intent to her: very quickly I saw a little girl’s siloquette standing on the computer table, sensing it in my inner eye.

As I moved to the Indian rhythms I recall a distinct change here with the healing of my mother-time, my feet suddenly took on the quality of high-strength magnets ‘stuck’ to the Earth; I planted my hips through the now immovable rootedness of my feet in the Earth and began to dance, shake and shimmer my intents into the Life-field…

Looking, sensing this open, electronic dimension, I found that a jungle of tall plants separated my mother and I; it was an amazing dance-path into this space, dancing and parting simultaneously this jungle with Hands of Love, strength, one pointed love aiming and forgiveness, alongside a power of acceptance that my consciousness has never experienced!

As I neared her I could discern the ashamed expression on her face, the frozen standing up posture of ‘being in the corner.’ She was so quiet, so simply there! When approaching the computer table (since the headlight lighting the room was now sitting on another table behind me) my shadow nearly met perfectly overlaying where her head height was; briefly I outlined my shadow and worked energies into it, though I sensed this as an abstraction or subtle distraction… I took to moving along her body in a similar way that I treated my father’s teenage spirit form: in this vision space my mother’s body was about three feet tall, at the age of 6 or 7 (?)

I took her up, placing her in my arms and began to do a sort of ‘dance-walk’, taking her back into the light: this was an immense time, feeling her shame draining into me and being immediately transformed and dispersed into the atmosphere above: I took her past the bright light and turned around with her still in my arms, and while facing the dining room’s back door, danced there with her, until one of the apprentice’s came in… It’s here where I ceased the healing and prepared to listen and share in his very difficult night…


Towards the end of ceremony ~
Misc. ceremony notes


Note: The apology and admitting to the apprentice of my ‘holding a grudge’ (strictness), the deep sorrow and repent-desire associated with its having played through me, seemed to set the stage for an immediate journey to the main ‘archetypal-emotion’ that has plagued my particular paternal’ lineage; this is my intuition today, as I record in my journal this incredible evening…

One of Yage’s constant mantras this evening was “Beware of Tricky Mind.”

Near the time I was getting ready to dance outside, I met with one of the neighborhood dogs laying on the porch; I sensed its energy, laying my hand on its right side, feeling its anger and fear within, attending and willing the fear to leave it, etc. I could perceive the old-ness of soul experience inside it, an incredible merging while in the electronic zone…

Note: Laying in bed, I remember accessing the clouds, i.e., the Airy Realm briefly…

This morning and afternoon, noting changes in my sex-chakra area.

While sitting at the dining table; my astral body-presence looking through the Tricky Mind, the mechanical universe of my cosmic presence.

Between the cookie & teatime and beginning to dance, a moment occurred in me of feeling torn between going back to the Ceremony House and being with others and staying inside; Yage telling me that we had work to do and my sense that the time alone was needed, semi-urgent…

When we’ve studied and become a ‘Dr. Love’, we can leave this Earth school.

After finishing with my mother’s ‘To be continued healing’ (See Ceremony 21) I was listening to Jeff’s story of his difficult night, sensing his story; a new sort of quietness and beautiful field between myself and my mind occurred. Statements expressing my brotherly affections towards him.

Mausha’s stories and sharing: that she is a god-flower, and my connecting in a positive, ‘floral’ way with her inner feminine manifestation… Speaking to her about sensing that I can now be a true man to the world, to slow down, to be earnest, honest, supportive, strong, hard working and trusting…

There was a time in the evening, while speaking to Jeff that a nocturnal moth came into the house; it was an incredibly beautiful design and I wished to help it find its way back outside. I got up on a chair (while still in the Yage zone to some significant degree) and asked it if it wanted to ‘go out’… I started gesturing my arm/hand to imitate its flying pattern, soon it landed on my hand, staying there, I was able to carry it outside to let it fly free…
__________


Written while in the Yage-zone ~


Be the rhythm that doesn’t express itself rhythmically.
Here is nowhere else,
The Universe in God-Mind,
Each human carries this inherited God-gift-resurrection.

To know Yes and No means nothing to the soul,
The soul expresses its powers in such simple gestures that the mind cannot play…

Soul Human says, “There’s a chip on the side of the cup I drink from.”
God answers, ‘Be ambidextrous.’

The Soul-human is often drunk with the birthing pains of the Universe…

Ceremony 19

October 19, 2009


Farewell to this name ‘I’
Friendships are gifts, not projects.



Vast openness, freedom of skill, freedom of the “I am” to pass through itself; pure air is breathing itself…

To begin: On this night I would experience the strongest and longest ongoing purge while in total conscious link with my body, i.e., I was able to participate in this purge rather than being ‘chained’ to it….

It is difficult to write this out, to find words, sentences to describe the new level of relationship I have come to… I started with drinking a third of a cup: Waiting 20-30 minutes… Looking and hearing around the room at the silence and experiencing that Luco was more quiet, I felt that the medicine had made it to a sort of precipice/edge in many people and was waiting to fly (not really going anywhere). For the first time I decided to take another dose, a quarter cup; after this my experience would commence, an awesome set of footsteps were on their way…

As I was sitting in the rocking chair, I was drawn to look towards the ceremony door (the only door in the structure)… I had to turn myself around in the chair, an unusual beginning as something began to materialize; I sensed that it was my new friend’s ‘dark-material.’ I recall feeling that she was chained down somewhere, shackled by being so ‘precious’ to others, particularly men. This preciousness was not a sort born of pure, unconditional love, but of a kind from/via worship of dependence, a need that compromised the freedom of the soul to express itself without objection or competition/rejection, etc.

I began to see and feel a pathway or tunnel towards this shackled place and began laying out beauty, acceptance, allot of color, light and carefulness with hand gestures and conscious, heart intent, being as gentle and selfless as possible as I parted these clogged energies that manifested as sorts of stacked, dark tiles or indistinct metallic flat objects…

I remember planting lotus seeds down there as well and unshackling, raising this retrieved part of her soul up in my palm, holding it in the air like a little girl might stand on her father’s hands to take a dive into the sea… I gestured it upwards and towards the sky, to let it fly. I felt its lightness and calmness, its quiet freedom floating into the night… There were two of these sessions back to back.

At some point, very briefly, I experienced the spirit of an insect embody me, a very large roach we had found prior to ceremony; it felt like it had appeared inside me to commence/perform a small, very specific-to-it duty. I do not know what this was, being only present to it superimposed over/between my consciousness and body, making gestures, feeling, looking/doing something (?)

The next part of this began with Yage telling me that I was going to purge my friend’s ‘ants.’ Strong visions of clusters of these insects came into my consciousness and I began to purge these; it was a very strange feeling to purge another’s dark material, to look and truly experience these forces belonging to another.

As I lay, dry heaving these, my state of joy was fixed in the mist, looking out; Yage told me, “This is what you wanted, this is what it’s like to purge another’s material.” Yage also commented on my shamanic apprenticeship, saying that ‘This is what apprentices do (or go through)’. Saying something to this effect…


Down the rabbit hole: The holy Soul miner.


The purge stepped down incredibly deep, to an electronic world level that I was not accustom to interacting with, (Usually it is the 100% doer, while I react and am immersed in being an ‘effect’ to its teaching-cause.) This time I was fully aware and a willing witness to the layers being peeled away to reveal a purer soul-state of being.

After the careful renovation of the place where a part of her soul seemed shackled and the purging of the ants (I have yet to understand their significance) Ayahuasca moved to a ‘part’ of myself, where it began to reprimand me on a recent argument I had with a fellow apprentice; she showed me how it had stained/soiled the steps of her White Cathedral within me, digging deep into a part of me that I would never have expected was impeding my soul…

The order of events gets a little sketchy here… I feel that the notes are the most important to get across in the recording of the teaching now… Yage told me that, “Arguing borrows the other person’s sorrow and creates Hell.” A significant part of this teaching took place in the bathroom, where I found myself going to while deeply immersed in Shipibo design grids and the familiar static/crackling sound of the electronic dimension.

While sitting on the toilet, ‘letting it all go’, there was a point where I connected to the honesty of the human condition I had embodied and let fall aside all feelings of being embarrassed over the sounds the purge was making.

I could feel an incredible straight drain going through the middle of my body, like a soft, though rigid pipe of sorts. A valve seemed to be turned on and in the midst of evacuating my bowels, Yage said, “This is what your arguing sounds like to me.” She also added that I would additionally purge ‘defilement.’

In my conscience/consciousness I could sense the utter inevitability of this ‘No other way to Pay’ approach, though had no idea how so non-linear it would be…

By the time I was back to my mat I was dry heaving again: I sensed it was also getting rid of that apprentice’s ‘borrowed sorrow’ from me as well, along with whatever forces in me that were created ‘negative weight’ and ‘soil on the White Temple’s pristine steps.’

There was a time where I turned to the Main House and sent an intent to that person, (they were not attending the ceremony that night due to a sickness gotten the day prior), asking for forgiveness and apologizing for not responding to him when he was obviously trying to make up (by creating a positive comment at the dinner table) for holding a grudge.

This lead to more purges and several new methods of evacuating/purging I had never experienced, a sort of dry heave belch and a whooping cough… I also experienced a kind of fever, sweating and shaking; this was due to the subtle and deep dance of the volcano-Sanango that had been brewed in with the Ayahuasca along with 10-15 other tree spirits, etc.

To not go into too much detail over the different stages of the physical purging locations, intervals, etc., it is good enough today (as I still feel like I am purging psychic material as I write this in my journal at 3PM) to record that I needed to take 2-3 showers, went to the river at 2AM with a friend, and revisited the Ceremony House to purge more in the midst of the shaman‘s presence, all in a night of continuous purging for nearly four hours; an emotional lesson for sure!

The intricacy of this purge process was incredible, astounding really, as the reality of my soul’s beingness would be disclosed/revealed little by little as Yage lifted these heavy ‘tapestries of self’ away…


White swamp, Black lotus


In mid-ceremony I lay on my back, as Yage had instructed me to do, so that the purge and I could clear out material more efficiently. After several long bouts of huge air whooshes out of my mouth, I lay, then, very ominous energies arrived…

Several times in the night, twice in the Ceremony House and a couple times in the Main House, I felt that I might have to call for Luco’s help as these nearly god-like dark forces arrived; though, in this night’s ‘interactive purge’ I was able to change my relation and ‘being/level of experience’ with the evils/sins that had only recently been ‘put in’ by this argument-borrowing of another’s material and also, there were several entities who were altogether seemingly indifferent to specific contemporary/personal events, instead, they represented archetypal evils/malevolent energies housed at the base of my spirit (Not sure how to describe the netherworld level in me.) Note: the recent problem with the base of my spine is gone today.

Returning back to being on the mat after several bathroom purges: I was feeling the wrath of Yage’s tough love, the nearly unbearable realization that this purge was upon me due to me…

No other relevant world exists but the conscious soul inside this Earth body (At least not at this most intimate time between my deeds and Ayahuasca’s deeper reconciliation’s to come.)


Lover colors


Somewhere between mid and the end of ceremony I lay on the mat staring up, suddenly separate colors in the form of a kind of fairy showed up in the airspace above me… The colors were vibrant, splotch-shapes, with eyes/faces; they began to paint me…

I sensed that each color had a personality, a lifestyle, feelings, a life to live of its own chosen way, etc. This group numbered 4-5 and my feeling was that they were ‘teenagers’ and not old ‘colors.’ They were painting me as a very dark ‘tapestry’ was being moved out of me and through the emotional/dynamic ‘experiencer’ of my consciousness by Yage.

At some point in the ceremony I became very disoriented, feeling that my consciousness might drop off the edge of existence itself… Yage would tell me several times that I was going to be ok, that this has to happen this way and no other way tonight. I was going back and forth from the rocker to the mat, not really knowing what I was purging, when and how the patterns would unfold.

There were times that Yage was very silent, leaving me to my own devices to figure out how to get out of my self-knitted net. The fairies were incredibly beautiful and profound; I sense they did something more specific and vital than I can rightly understand now.


Friendships are gifts, not projects


At this midpoint of purging Yage dove ruthlessly deep into the subject of relationships (friendships). She told me that, “Friendships are gifts, not projects.” and showed me the true to life coincedence in the name of my first wife’s newly acquired pet and the name of a friend. Yage would use this coincedence as a sort of canvas to say, “Do not make friends into pets.”

The Medicine went deeper and deeper, purging, moving towards some sort of level I could not witness simultaneously. It was near this time when it revealed an/the ‘area of creation’ in me; she was so thorough, so meticulous in its deconstruction!

The revelation came; the argument I had recently, my new friend, ‘I’ in general: Yage said, “Tonight we will purge the part of you that makes things precious, that invests self importance.” This began another series of purges (I was, unknowingly at the time, purging at least two separate issues/areas within myself) where I could feel the tension and desperateness’s in me leaving, parts/areas of psychic-machinery being demolished, melted down in my soul’s quest for what would later reveal itself as a quote when Yage told me, while I was settling back into the world of the flesh-senses that, “The only thing you can trust is pure love.”

Yage used my recent finding of the kitten as an example of making something ‘precious’, how I/we invest (loose parts of our soul-body) by putting ‘self’ into the external-ephemeral and told me that intent is not wrong or the bad-‘thing’, that it is the self-importance I invest in the intent which creates the imprisonment, the possibility of hell-housing…

Ayahuasca revealed a depth of being, helping me ‘resurrect it’, then I could consciously conceive of an existence as ‘now’, where an intent could occur through my heart, through pure love and without personal importance, i.e., a feeling of loosing or gaining a sense of self through actions, desires filled or unfulfilled…

Towards the settling-back-stage I experienced a resurgence of my joy, while dark-energies continued to battle for space… I experienced my brain (the inside of my skull) as a spaciousness filled with stars.

I came to a sort of conviction (because it worked) that problems, projects, desires, etc., do not belong in my mind, instead, their conscious place is in the heart.


Slow down, calm down


Also, at this time, I purged another deep part of self-importance, a kind of ‘dependence’. Yage told me to “Slow down”, to stop eating so much and treating myself to too many ‘treat-moments’, to “Calm down” and to especially stop entirely the consumption of caffeine. It revealed to me how caffeine was connected to that ‘self-body’ I had purged, that it was not a substance that pureness resonated with, (at least in my case right now.) And for me to drink only flowers/herbs. While drinking the chamomile tea I envisioned a meadow of this yellow flower in me; when I thanked it, the flower replied, ‘You’re welcome.’


Onyx drift


About this part of me that makes things important… A vision/experience manifested, I died, my name, my role as this character was purged from my being-presence; I could feel how, for so many years, this character of my name had been a sort of parasite, though not totally without my soul’s celebration and love of life…

I found my consciousness out in Space and witnessed my character’s body floating away, going back to the planets and ‘system’ that assisted in its formation… Soon into this process, I would also witness the giving back of ‘parts’ of the whole (body) by my making scooping gestures with my hands directed towards my body and handing to different directions in the sky these aspects of human, the parts that served areas of my life that were not regenerative.

Via the saying ‘goodbye’ to the role of my name: The clarity that came to me was astounding, so unavoidably true to my inner life knowing and my soul-being-presence as an astral being on Earth. (I have always had this intuition; what had nearly always been in the background of my consciousness was tonight in full glory ‘front!’)

The feeling was, that I had given back ‘facilities’ to the Earth itself (towards the ground), to the planets/astrological mathematics who created mind-patterns, types of people, constitutions, etc., (to the sky), these parts of my ‘whole name’ that they had produced, coating me in self-importance, competitiveness, drama-significance creating, doubt, strife, suspense and a sense of not being safe inside this body of systems not at my core-existence, etc.

Somewhat separately, there was a moment where I envisioned and was what I sensed is my true scale to the Universe, i.e., that of a piece of electronic, rune etched, fabric-fiber strand, intricately latched into a vast network of living ‘fibers’.

As this shedding and giving back happened, I had the extraordinary sensation that I had come home completely, that a kind of complete-spiritual awakening had occurred here at the purging of that which ‘filled pure intent with self importance’ and made relationships ‘projects (self-referred) and precious’ (dependant on-self feeding on self) or Illusion eating its shadow for nourishment… This complete realization of a total spiritual awakening occurred after my last shower: to begin its story ~


Shadow echo


I had come back into the Ceremony House after the first shower, feeling that I had more to purge (and did). Also, after my first shower Yage directed me to put on the small-vertebrae & red seed necklaces; this was prior to the myth-purge stage (that’s described below.)

Afterwards Yage told me to, “Go strip again and shower.” As I entered the house and was walking down the hallway, I could feel that some sort of demonic force/entity was on the edge of being removed (by the medicine), it was literally walking with each stride that I took, as though it were fastened on me like a scarecrow or rag doll a stickman… Actually it took on the form of a dense shadow-being: Yage told me a few times that I would be ok and that it (the entity) didn’t want to get under the cold water… For a brief moment I did experience a pause/stalling from my physical body prior to the shower, though nonetheless, I turned it on and got under.

While under the shower, seeing jewels flowing by mixed in with the water, I experienced a part of my consciousness as the Lucifer-legend/myth, I witnessed sins, evils, dark deeds and pain draining off of me and down the drain…

As I looked to the floor I witnessed the ‘body of lure’, ‘the body of biblical myth’ as the reality of being incarnated as a human being, as me, of being this solar system’s expression of a god-flower-innocent at inception, etc. I suddenly said, “I repent” several times and sensed that this dark inheritance had been redeemed…

There was also a slight sensation of sharing a consciousness with something bigger than my single soul, as if there were some kind of small redemption taking place in something else far away from me as a human-wrapped soul standing in a shower on Earth, that perhaps the fallen angel itself were being redeemed human by human who were realizing themselves by transforming this self importance-body into god-service, love and forgiveness (?)

Though ‘this’ was purged, others would follow: At one place in the evening, prior to going to the river with Paul, as he came in from the Ceremony House, I excused myself from the dining room right away and went to purge what would reveal itself as a sort of female-succubus.

Yage reached farther than ever before (physically) into my guts for this one; I felt that the dry heave vibrated the very bottom/back wall of my innards… I experienced visions of the Hades-aethetic several times this night and felt that Sanango was keeping certain degrees of the purge ‘aligned’ and running smoother (and protected). I also prayed several times throughout the night to the forces of all that is love, healing and good; angels, God, Yage, my totems, etc. to help me help myself.


Towards the end…
Misc. ceremony notes


The incredible healing that took place with the apprentice in the evening after this ceremony; my saying that ‘We have to build up with what we’ve torn down’ (no new raw materials.) Yage had told me several times (and made me solemnly promise to do so) that I would apologize to the apprentice the following day. Feeling that my purge actually ended psychically and energetically at the reception of this apology/conversation at around 8 PM.

My new friend’s dream journey corresponding to the previous night’s work…

No more arguments, no more urgency.

A note here in my journal that Ceremony 20 is to be dedicated towards my father, sending love and healing to him exclusively.

The envisioning of multiple lotuses at the chakra areas of my body and ‘touching’ them from the base/root to the crown areas.

There was a time in the ceremony, perhaps at the very beginning, that Ayahuasca spoke about making some final adjustments in/with my second chakra. I felt ‘activity’ there today during my nap/after, near waking/getting up…

A section of the ceremony where Yage tells me that I will be able to “read houses,” to “clear them,” to find rooms that are congested and bring them into a healthy balance: That I’d also be able to do this with people and that I am a healer… (Vaguely I sensed a message that houses are also alive/beings.)

The intuition concerning Jeff’s brother, as being a soul carried/following him through his incarnation into this world, i.e., an unfinished ‘business,’ souls somehow inseparable in their ‘individual’ quests. (A symbiotic prerequisite to each other’s evolution.)

The lesson of how self-serving, self demonstrating a friendship as a project can be. I received intuitions to ask “What is your friend giving you? How do you/I appreciate them without their reactions to what you’ve/I’ve given?”

Yage told me near the middle of ceremony that one thing that saved me from a more difficult night was my conscious avoiding of the movie some were watching prior.

“We argue and war because we do not feel safe in ourselves/our bodies.” (A lesson while resting in the hammock.)

Note: The discussion while in the hammock with my Little Boy, his happiness with my apologies and deepening commitment to be a better ‘Father.’ The incredible battle taking place between me and dark forces that wanted to ‘soil’ this joy of his, trying to distort his actual joy-expressions that I was envisioning into horror-shows. This is near one of the times that I ‘thought’ I would need to call on Luco for assistance, instead, I asked Yage to help me open my heart, to move this material from my mind to my heart, where I could process it, keep it safe, warm, loved and relevant to what I truly am.

From the hammock, I went to the bathroom several times in the Main House to purge/dry heave these forces: At one point I purged and while washing my hands Yage said, “Now you’ve paid for what you’ve done to your friend.” (i.e., the long argument with one of the apprentices.) This was a total surprise since the two or three purges were so intertwined, I could not distinguish a linear direction via their happening, i.e., a clear beginning and end, etc.

Being with my cat in the room (the kitten I found in Herrera) and seeing it as a positive, symbiotic relationship of conscious love and conscious need; I am no longer a dark-affirmation creator.

While speaking (after the ceremony) about one person’s journey to the heart of the Earth, my saying that the Dwarves are probably celebrating having seen her travel by on the way to the heart… Also, mentioning (half-jokingly) that the Dwarves may have played a role in creating our bodies, i.e., specifically the forging of the skeletal-structure.

My envisioning of the holy white skeleton in a sort of squatting or sitting pose, though nothing beneath it, hunched over a little, feeling its divine craftsmanship and in awe of who/what could have crafted its genius.

Many Shipibo designs; the first time of their resurgence, where they disappeared for nearly an hour and then came on strong later at the dining table amongst the others while we were talking.

After going to bed, when energetically/psychically sharing in another‘s purge that was occurring in the house: I had the vision of the vagina as a god-flower and the sense that the two sexes together, the ‘stem’ and ‘flower’ produce (or can produce) love-innocence/a certain ‘kind of child.’

Note: That we do not know what one another ‘Is’ no matter the external interests-expressions they manifest.

While going out at night to the river, seeing the circle galaxy or wheel of stars with Paul; feeling like it was getting me a little ‘detached’ from gravity/Earth, woozy, moving on to the river.

The walk to the river, seeming to take an eternity, while we were in The Eternal, sensing the nature/essence of it.

The talk with an apprentice about my visit to my fathers’ home. Note/quote: An example of the expectation-thoughts/inner-dialog, that ‘I will not appreciate your train set until it becomes mine, etc.’ (Qualifying others subconsciously to be a twin…)

Owning up to having hurt my father’s feelings; to have related to this through conversation with the apprentice… His revelations about his relation to his father, etc.

The apprentice’s comment about getting metaphorical ‘cookies’ from Yage.

The next morning at the breakfast table; Jeff’s thought concerning our being involved in a Co-creation: The delicate joy of sharing what actually belongs to everyone.

The awesome sense of being behind all talents, as a sort of expressionless master: to now choose with heart and not self-mind-intent.

Ceremony 18

October 16, 2009

Stop playing with the universe, put it down.



Tonight I went into this ceremony with several issues to try and connect with: The primary one was whether this path towards apprenticing in shamanism is what Yage wishes for me and to help heal my friend Lori… To begin, I drank a third of a cup, close to twice my usual dose, this took me far into the medicine’s landscape, my own and others, including the fingerprints of those long past… (This ceremony took place during a new moon phase.)

This session was a deep introspective journey; a long first two hours of sporadic dry heave-purges and energetic/emotional work with dark psychic environments… Most of this night’s purge-route would be traveled via yawning; many deep and double-yawns and an early trip to the bathroom (again).

Again, I am recording this late in the day, my energy has been up and down, though mainly at ground zero, taking several naps and busy with having found a stray kitten…

This journeying began with an incredible unfolding that took its course through dancing/gesturing to one of the early icaros. For one of the first instances I felt that ayahuasca was resting ‘softly’ in my stomach, although its work there was deep, underwater deconstruction and construction… I felt that it was working ‘in the dark’ (my dark), somewhat behind my consciousness, that anything could surface on a night like this, and would…

As I began to dance, mainly with my arms, hands and torso, since I was sitting in one of the ceremony rockers, I began to feel that distinct parts of my body were taking on specific symbolic powers/totems or ‘natural forms’.


Body of bodies


My feet were at first semi-sensed as claws/paws, since my hands ‘went’ intuitively to take on claw-like gestures above each foot, though they (my feet) quickly clarified themselves as being two great sized snake heads, possibly with their mouths open… The ankles and calves took on the nature/being of yellow corn, the thighs were alligators, my torso a great sized tortoise with its head facing down; my arms eventually identified themselves as wings (possibly of the dove-totem), while my head was a quiet, gathered together swarm of honeybees. (A later note: Maybe there were clawed hands at the end of the wings? Though these were soaring wings, great distanced flapping, i.e., more bird-like, than a bat. The wings seemed larger than a dove’s.)

For 10-15 minutes I danced while sitting down and briefly stood up as this composite creation, sending different aspects of these ‘parts/aspects’ to people on my healing list (At this time I also stretched as Luco had suggested.)

To my mother I sent wings, to my father I sent honey and to my friend I sent either the tortoise or alligators to swim throughout any confusing depths and to assist in breaking up/diffusing dark energies…

It’s vague here as to what occurred to transition to the next part: I felt that I was being worked on and working simultaneously… So, distinct (personal) action at this point was blurred a little. I recall going towards areas of collective ’bunched energies.’ Note: I remember that the totems showed/demonstrated their power stance(s) briefly; I felt hints of their natures, though could not interact deeply.

My consciousness was ‘operating’ this body of bodies with intent, love, direction, a homestead-feeling, yet the body (the collection of totems) had exchanges of its own, allowing me to discover myself in context of a no-self… The wording here is difficult to construct; there is so much ‘in’ the actual physical and spirit perception that cannot be transcribed into the conceptual or descriptive.)


Father thunder


One of the first purges of the night was a surprise, since I had been told that all of it had ‘left’ many ceremonies ago… It was a kind of residue-ball: Yage told me that I would soon purge my father’s anger and added that it would be easier if I were to lay down.

After the initial dry heaving, I apologized once again to my father for the anger I had caused him: I also felt that some of this collected-mass was given back to him, anger that had targeted me as an object of distraction or falsely blamed cause, though the energy had escaped or left him… Prematurely?

Avoiding conscience through blame and setting up comparative reasoning with the external world as the object or cause… We are often prisoners of being possessed by effects that we ‘think’ are causes.

Notes: Using getting angry at a child to self-medicate; creating a duplicate external-drama to match the unresolved shadow-echo within? Is the ultra-sensitive external anger/frustration an expression of the unconscious suffering within? When are we objects of others shortcomings? Mirrors? This was a short purge, quickly dispersed…

To know (heart-expansion) of/original intent. Healing without wanting to be seen healing.


The daylight prior


At the beginning of the day I spoke to Luco about my lower back problem, i.e., specifically the sacrum area; he suggested that I stretch during ceremony (after drinking the tea). I did this at two points in the ceremony. These stretches were my usual toe touches and standing back bends, with added serpentine arm/hand gestures and large-winged flight-gestures… Intuitively I was called to direct several of these ‘gestures’ as healing conduits towards the young woman who was joining us from the household staff this night for her first drink of Yage. I recall holding a pose towards her, with both hands side by side, fingers spread apart, subtly ‘humming’ from their interiors… (I may have sent her jewels.)


Gown of bats


Near mid-ceremony, while laying on my back, a large, dark mass appeared above me; intuitively (or my picking up a message that was embedded in it, telling of its owner/from where it came) I sensed this was some part of the energies delivered to me for ‘clearing’, i.e., the ‘effect’ of my wishing to help heal my friend…

I prayed to God, Ayahuasca, Sanango and all the other plants I knew by name, and those anonymous ones I could not know immediately this night that were in the brew, to give me the strength to open my heart wider/broader so to participate in the clearing/transformation of this ‘cloud’ (I did not wish to be ‘only’ an object effected by a subject.) I believe that at this point I briefly reached up into the air and with my hands spread apart, drew pure energies down from above to invest into me for this process…

My heart opened and out of it came collections of cigarette butts, old nails, toothpicks, misc. spines or sharp needles… I sensed that these were ‘actions,’ gestures, much of which I felt had taken place in my early childhood years/actions (though not exclusive to; also teenage and early twenties, etc.), mostly subconscious-effects, i.e., by my way of ‘giving to myself’ by interpreting others actions personally ‘to me’ without having empathy-aware, checking in with my own hypocrisies, the part that makes others the problem in the mirror. (Does ‘personally relating’ to others at an early stage (childhood and teenage years) come from the ‘habit’ of that auto-symbiotic relationship to Womb-mother?)

I began to make a flying gesture with my arms while laying down; a voice came to me and said, “These are her bats.” I began to take my heart energies, joy and healing intent through this mass of darkness, dispersing it/them, clearing the space of their congestion…


The drink of human


A thought/meditation occurred in me, concerning people who are superstitious, fearful or generally do not believe in taking natural substances for psychological/spiritual work: This stigma sat with me awhile, then the epiphany came that ‘The soul has drunk ‘human’’, i.e., with its incarnation into the flesh, that it has swallowed dividing cells that would/will eventually ‘encase it’ in an effect, a human sort of sober inebriation with the left and right hemispheres, with mind-opposites, ego, ephemeral issues, selfishness, blame, competition, etc.


Travel song

Original sin is not original.


During an incredible icaros by Luco, I had an amazing visual (an inner ‘movie’) of returning to the land of the souls and the realization, while going there, that I am all things, fairies, mermaids, animals, types of people, etc.

I felt, as I was traveling through this sort of time-space avenue, the destination pulling on me like a magnet, that this ‘being’ born as a human was some part of a timeless, supra-ancient duty/ritual/obligation… I had the quick vision of a friend of my mother’s returning to this land of souls too.

The later vision lent itself to a consideration of all those people in my life who are and had been diabetics; my father, my grandmother, my mother’s husband, a long ago roomate, etc. Another realization came to me, that the ‘sugar issue’ was due to an unresolved dilemma concerning the soul and the human form/expression/condition and the sweetness of the love available from us, the human race, to offer up to God and all sentient beings; that ‘refined sugar’ and ‘artificial sweeteners’ were icons of the human inner conflict condition, i.e., metaphors…


Kaleidoscope pause


I also received a vision/travel occurrence, finding myself hovering in the mid-point of a spacious place surrounded by a cylindrical display… Shown were all the various career types (talents, bodies, etc.) of human roles and possibly other forms on Earth as well: This place had no top or bottom, the focus was on the section of the ’tube’ that showcased human characteristics…


Soul estate


At another point I experienced myself as a sort of formless light-being with gold mansions, houses and estates of all shapes and sizes being born from my torso: another thought came to me that worldly riches are a kind of subconscious quest for the soul-house within, external affirmations/images as an inner-wishing mirror-looker seeking in the image it sees and not within what’s seeing.


Backwards


Midway through the ceremony Yage told me that the pain at my lower back was put there (sent there) by the man who was the last partner of my new friend I am trying to help heal; that it was sent to me out of envy/anger that she has found a sincere friend to confide and express her heart through… Ayahuasca told me that it would work on ‘removing him from me’ or ‘this from me.’ I experienced several deep dry heaves that stressed my lower spinal area via this particular discovery-purge…


Two snakes


Soon afterward, Yage would say, “There are two snakes in you that need to come out.” The light-present-clear energy dropped, I could feel the dark energies way down deep in me and even envisioned at least one of the purges as a snake being ‘rounded up’ and driven out…

She told me their names, ‘Mark’ and ‘Brian.’ At first I associated one to an acquaintance in California and the other, a now departed man who I briefly knew many years ago… (I thought I might have attracted his spirit since I had (several years past) lashed out at someone on a blog-site who I felt dishonored the circumstances surrounding his death (injustice, etc.), defending him, investing allot of severe/condensed emotional energy his way, i.e., on his behalf, though without ‘permission.’

For a moment I wondered whether we are darkly ‘invested in’ as we ‘invest outwards’ towards those we do not know and have not had their light-conscious permission to make their business ours (?) Is it that we somehow use that anonymous position to our ego’s advantage and theirs, subconsciously?

Then the purge dropped lower and I suddenly recalled two ‘friends’ I hung out with in high school: Although they teased me and even stole money one night when I hosted them at my father’s home because they were too drunk to drive, I stuck with them, compromising myself, my esteem, and inner joy for the sense of being wanted around (a very abstract sense/definition of want) or ‘in a click.’

Ayahuasca took me deep into this feeling of ‘compromise of self,’ even a sort of spirit-mutilation at the ‘hands’ of others’ ‘just kidding-sarcasm.’ [It was a difficult area to own up to and retrieve: Mark purged out quickly, Brian took nearly 30-40 minutes.]


Inside onion skins


As I was laying down, I felt as though Yage was taking my hands as her own, reaching towards me with incredible mercy and gentleness, beginning to strip/peel away thin ‘coverings’, ‘layers’ from my face/overall being-body… There were 2-4 of these very sensitive ‘skins’, like a series of nitroglycerin-coatings… Intuitively I felt that this could have been more difficult and thanked her at the end for the love and mercy clearly demonstrated/shown through these actions…

How can we all be wrong and live that rightly?


Second Chakra


Towards the middle of the ceremony I experienced a mental/intent connection to my solar-plexus; I consciously began making electrical pulses from there (a very old ability that came to me when I was in my early twenties) while pulling up energy from the sex-chakra (a Taoist perineum exercise that I learned a year or so ago.) I felt that something dramatic may occur, though this 2-3 minute event was very subtle, quiet, a sort of reminder of the ongoing transformation’s process’s nature of degrees. I experienced briefly a sensation of being a consciousness semi-surrounding or nearer the physical location of my third eye…


God message


At another stage, towards the ceremony’s end, I received a message, though strangely enough, it was as if another was speaking through me so to give the message to God (?) The message was, “Stop playing with the universe, put it down.”

After this, I remember that my consciousness stepped upwards, towards some different sort of celestial-presence/act of being: At this stage I experienced letting it all go, simply beholding beheld as I am; a vast unknown seemed accessible (If accessing the unknown even makes sense here? Nonetheless, the sensation was this.)


Love molting


A sudden, even higher seeming, more grounded shift occurred, where I found myself as pure love, the conscious embodiment in/of Love: I experienced myself as Love Sitting, I felt larger than human, though somewhat indistinct as a ‘mass’ or crafted-shape: It was as if I were a sort of ‘boulder-spirit’, smooth, stationed in Void/dark Space.

As I appeared as Love something incredible began to occur simultaneous to this love-being-manifestation, I began to shed ‘Human’, the world epidermis, incarnation-material, human qualities, attributes, etc. These began falling off of me like rust flakes, peeling and falling bark, layers of indistinct objects, etc. This went on for what felt like a timeless period (?) I have no estimation…


Water


At some point I settled back into ‘my name’ and felt that the distant music from the Friday night town celebrations were seeping into my experience of the medicine’s teachings and unnecessarily stressing something. This brought a distinct phrase from Yage for me to go and take a shower and stay in the Main House…

While washing, the same relation to my ‘new/regenerating body’ occurred, i.e., seeing it as a child a new creation, undefiled, wondering, as a conscious entity, ‘How? This story? This magic-carpet-skin? Soiled, once stained?’

Notes: Very few Shipibo designs were experienced tonight: Because of the new moon phase darkness (?) Hot and cold body temperatures throughout the ceremony: Feeling Sanango’s distinct, mid-ground presence; bodily shaking and a subtle taste of it from time to time. Being able to now go to bed and rest after ceremony (For the last two or three ceremonies.)


Skeleton needs


Towards the end of the ceremony a vision of many skeletons sitting in chairs came to me: I prayed again to God, thanked the plant spirits and looked inside for what was being called for (A slight ominous energy arrived here.) The skeletons seemed somewhat urgent, though quiet, with no specific ‘issues’ of personal message via Yage to teach… Soon I found myself adding to them organs, muscles, nervous systems, flesh, etc. They dissolved once I did this.

Note: My heart area physically hurt from time to time in ceremony. I traveled to the river alone this morning for the traditional submerging cleanse, beautiful solitary!


Red seeds and vertebrae on a string


Notes: (At the end of the ceremony.) Coming back into the Ceremony House to be with the girl experiencing Yage for the first time. After sitting near her for 5-10 minutes, a voice telling me to get the necklaces from the Mesa, that it was time for me to go. I was told by Luco that I could put these necklaces (I had originally bought for gifts; they consist of vertebrae of alligators or small anaconda and red, black spotted seeds) in the ceremony Mesa (his collection of crystals, stones, talismans, etc. that are stationed at his feet during each ceremony) and that afterward could use them for protection.

Once putting them on I did sense a presence, though feel not entirely ‘genuine’ right now to describe the visuals as objective, etc., since it could have been my mind fulfilling expectations outside the Yage zone’s functioning… I will wear them during ceremonies and see if they ‘Speak for themselves.’

Physical, pressure point massaging of my chest, eyes, neck/throat and head. (Not entirely my knowing-consciousness doing this.) Especially a delicate pressing and adjustments around the eyes; sensed as another Yage-medium through my hands…

My hand going over chakra areas and checking their ‘emotions’ and ‘health’. Vaguely I recall experiencing the white radiance of Yage’s inner temple and a further ratcheting down of the message, ‘Keep my temple holy and pure.’ A sense of a celibacy path arriving; further plans to return to continue this work here in Peru… The faint message concerning my question about the shaman apprenticeship, i.e., a voice answering/saying, “You’ve always been one.”

A deepening of the dance and healing hand/body gestures… More intent and being with the medicine/deeper integration… Experiencing from time to time the dimming of joy, like a lighthouse in forest fire smoke.

Going back into the Ceremony House and experiencing at the doorway entrance, the diamond-hands aspect (visually and information-ally). Being more careful (after my Yage lessons this night) of my space with her (the first-time drinker of Yage) in the C.H. From the ‘two snake lessons’ (how psychic/spirit ‘substances’ get transferred.) Making a lotus shape in the air (small and large). Stretching prior to the ceremony. An eternal prayer-thanks goes out to God, my parents, Yage, Luco and my friends…