Ceremony 10

September 26, 2009


I am not Can‘t.




Tonight I made a significant breakthrough. At first I felt as if this ceremony was going to be like the previous one (not a bad thing), i.e., more in the third dimension analysis-realm. Starting off, upon drinking the Yage tea this time, it was very different because it was incredibly methodical in how it slowly oozed down my throat and what felt as if it were patiently coating the top halves of my lungs… The sensation of an overwhelming reaching of my visceral limits took place. Moving through it… The Ayahuasca took its time; at one point I just lay there like a mummy of quicksilver, while it worked deeply along with a potent admixture of Sanango.

I made notes in my journal about the ultra, zero-gravity quietness of the Ayahuasca zone.

Towards the beginning of this journey, it felt as though an energy moved to my pelvis and stayed there… Laying on my mat I sensed that ’it’ was telling me that there was healing occurring in this area: I felt that there was gray, cloudy energy that had been recorded in my pelvis-skeleton/bone; there was sexual-energy-healing taking place as well.


Quiet Sanango


I could feel the familiar cellular densities caused by the absorption of the Sanango spirit set in and as they dove and dug in further, my mind froze, disappeared, I simply ’lay’ and ’was’, like a conscious sedated patient on an operating table…

This cleansing lasted about 4-5 hours, though surprisingly the medicine was still clearing energies out by my having long yawns up to 4AM. I lay there and began getting communication from Mother Ayahuasca, she focused on how I interact with people, she said, “Do not think/analyze what people do, just watch, accept.” I also experienced my personal joy as being a light in front of my forehead and behind, a constant beacon behind the storm clouds.

I began to internally and out loud, name out all those in my life that I forgave for hurting me, asking forgiveness from those who I have injured.

My body did not shake as much on this night though Sanango was working deep, not on the surface like the many ceremony nights prior, where it seemed that it was starting off within the ‘world’ of the epidermis. It (Sanango) touched the center of my back where an energetic hole has been for a long time and convulsions started at my solar plexus, about twenty of them… Electrical surges from time to time up my neck and into the head…

I began to feel a dark tension in my head, my joy remained immovable as this storm cloud moved in; I intuitively said, “Leave me, you do not belong to me.” To my right I saw with my inner eye a large dark biomorphic shape/cloud, like contained black smoke. My immediate sense was that ‘this’ was my Great Grandmother Eakin who had attached herself to me. I gathered up all the love, understanding and compassion I could muster and began willing her to be on her own and told her that she’d be fine; I gestured my hands and arms in ways as to move her away and patched my side with some sort of grid or energetic pattern/symbols (?) I felt that she had left, without a word or emotion that I could perceive, also that I had done some sort of spirit-tumor surgery…

The dark energy around my head/eyes seemed to be separate from what was happening at my right side, it was closer to being connected to what was occurring in my stomach.

Still laying down on my mat, I began clearing residues (purged, ’evaporating’ energies on the surface) with grabbing and lifting away gestures, spiral motions with my hands and flitting away with my fingertips…


The Closet


A picture/scene of a closet showed up in my consciousness and a voice distinctly said, “You have something dead in your closet that you need to move out.” This is when things got a little spooky, the notorious Yage-sensation of pending doom and annihilation rising, pulsating, spreading its wings, though this time it was different in that my light of joy stayed in the mix, like a lighthouse.

I, with Ayahuasca’s kitchen-permission, was participating in my healing (It seems that she only allows you to do what she knows you’ll succeed at and then takes care of the rest.)

Suddenly several pictures of a writhing, screaming deformed fetus/infant arrived to my inner vision; very horrible, disfigured with insufferable pain.

My stomach and bowels began to react; I knew that I had broken through the quicksilver repair stage and entered the electronic realm of objective intuition and instruction; no mistakes, all revelation, no doubting, surrender, humility, mercy and the big stick of Yage.

I began to dry heave allot after several attempts to do so; afterward I settled down on my mat and envisioned, at the very foundation of my soul-body, a little boy sitting down, he was very unhappy. I gave him a big bouquet of yellow flowers and then began surrounding him with vases/pots of the same flower.

He smiled and at that moment my joy seemed complete. I sensed later that to ’Keep my little boy smiling is the only thing I should be involved with for the rest of my life. The immensity of the revelation and calm lagoon in my stomach were unmistakable signs that I had purged a trauma, most likely a birth-trauma, and further into the morning I thought that it could have been the transformation of my first love’s abortion that she got, though I did not wish it… Could it be that aborted souls hang out in whichever ’half’ wished them the most?


Heartspace


Sometime in between this transformative process with the little boy, multiple scenes of a baby being violently sexually abused suddenly came up on my left side (innerly). The energy presented itself as possibly unmanageable, though something new happened; I took my feelings and dove deep within and called on God and Yage to give my heart the ability to be an instrument to transform these dark energies into joy, acceptance, forgiveness and love with each beat.

I grasped at my chest with a claw-like hand gesture and seemed to lift from it a hull or lid, the images and energy quickly resided; I journeyed deep into a silent beholding of the heritage of human pain…

In mid-ceremony I experienced my consciousness as formless, floating in my body like a jellyfish the ocean.

Then another incredible event happened: At the beginning of the ceremony I had wished to help heal Chet, my mother’s partner/husband. I had already sent out positive and desiring-to-heal energies to him and then now found myself somewhat submerged in his energy body (At his house in Oregon.) I began to part and push out layers/curtains/partitions of blue-gray, dark brown energies. This scene turned off at the final clearing out stage.

Later in the morning, for the first time since Holland, I had a visit by the tiger totem; I was surprised that it was a vision so late into the ceremony, around 4 or 5AM while laying in the hammock and talking to Taylor, Paul and Jeff. At this time I was also still seeing Shipibo patterns, though a little earlier (3-4AM). The vision of the tiger included several versions of it; vicious, stern, neutral, etc.

On this night I sensed that Ayahuasca was very merciful and I thanked god and her for this: I believe, with the help of others conversation, that the Sanango cleared (bulldozed) a clearer path for her to ’evict’.

A picture of Laura (my second wife) came to me and I recalled holding her in my arms during an all-nighter where she was experiencing a soul-rift due to the beginning of our separation…

A deep wish to clear up these ’pasts’ with real change, that was actually taking place in the moment as well, took hold of me; I experienced a brief walk with my long tread grief and Remorse of Conscience over this separation/divorce-time and then felt that this ’coat’ was being slowly taken off of me that morning…

I also experienced insights on spiritual ’standards’, i.e., how I am to interact and keep parts of myself from being ’taken’ or ’imprinted’ on by others dark energies.

I had the sense that we are in bodies that cumulatively experience themselves as Collectors of the Past… The phrase, ’We’re throwing up the past to be more present.’ came to me.

Many visions came to me late in the morning: One interesting one was of being lead through/underneath the ocean by what vaguely felt to be mermaids, though this was only an emotional, part-visual since they seemed to be cloaking themselves, where just vague sections or just lines of their bodies could be seen.

Taylor, Jeff, Paul and I went to the river at 4AM and lay under the water on huge flat boulders that have holes in them where you can have a handhold to keep yourself steady as the rushing water flows over you. Feeling the water washing over us was incredible!

Later in the morning I would go to the river again to wash off the residue I felt I had gotten from a very tense dream I had concerning my father and I. This dream is recorded in my ‘Addendum to the Ayahuasca ceremonies.’

I vaguely recall that during my ceremony journey there was a reference to crystals, though do not recall what kind.

There were moments during our morning conversations where I experienced the joy-decision to stay in the realm of joy and surrender instead of that of suspicion and owning fear.

A quote from Luco, “The medicine is love.” He also had a vision of being with all of us at a lake playing in the water, tossing crystals to one another.


Sanango Dieta


Being secluded in the Main House-area for nearly a week now via the diet restrictions/rules has taken its toll on everyone; last night’s ceremony seems to have opened us up more and placed some distance between our bodies’ yearnings and our spirits’ ability to endure this mysterious process that the mind cannot own or dethrone.

There was a point in the night where I was breathing from two places at the same time, my lungs and stomach. The thought of breathing like a reptile came to my mind (This was prior to my dry-heaving purge release.)

Memories of my times in conversation with Howie came to me this morning: I want to write about this and the eight day Sanango dieta, plus the one prior that Jeff humorously calls ’Sanango Light’, which was also for eight days. S.L. consists of Sanango, Cap e Rona, Wida Caspi, Ia Umaa (The Headless Giant), Punga Negra, Punga Ammareya, Waka pu Ranna, Waka Pu, Bobeen Zanna, Low Puna. The Sanango tea we’ve most recently taken consists of the shaven bark of the root exclusively, then soaked in water for about 6-7 hours, filtered and drank every morning at 3AM for three days, the other five days consists of the Sanango still working and Ayahuasca ceremonies.


Always try to love the empty bowl.