October 10, 2009
For you my friend.
We are made of star dust.
Tonight’s ceremony is/was dedicated to the healing of a new friend and looking deeper into our meeting…
This was a most incredible setting! Lots of exclamation points… Starting out in the boat near 7PM, on the way we found a tall stick plunged into the deep mud at the bottom of the Rio Ucayaci river; this was initially set in as an anchor point for boats similar to ours (smaller fishing boats carved from single trees; ours is a large panel boat.)
Taking this pole, we set it horizontally across the front of the boat, brought it to our new anchor point and replanted it so to tie off a chain to it… Curiously enough the stick ended up being a sort of staff to me, since at its top it had a 3-4 prong outcrop of ‘fingers’ where an orb could have been mounted (if you‘re a romantic); an incredible coincidence on such an endeavor as this one, to have an ayahuasca ceremony on the water while anchored amongst the stars, jungle nocturne life and in the middle of the river, no where near shore…
It may have been the setting and my desire to see the famed pink dolphins, still, there was a hint of Mermaid-medicine in the air, something that came to my mind moments after we had tied the chain off…
The sky was perfect, the stars were crystal clear, giving way to a deep seeing into the depths of our solar system; on this night I witnessed what Jeff described as the “galactic center” and long masses of cloud-like collections of stars: the brightest one being Jupiter.
Alberto’s (the teacher-shaman to Luco) son went with us on this night and drank the medicine with us.
The new brew
I began the ceremony by stating again my intent to dedicate it to healing my new friend in the states… Also some of my father’s material surfaced briefly and my mother’s as well, though this was very vague, unspecific…
At the beginning of the ceremony a voice said that tonight we would be purging all of my first sexual encounters: visions and emotional states would soon surface connected to these ‘time frames’. I also felt a second message imbedded in this one, that this ‘clearing’ was occurring so to ‘start over’ with a clean slate, to begin at zero, with another body of law and being.
Something very similar to what occurred with the ceremony for my mother’s healing occurred here, in that I felt a ‘general mass’ of energies coming together and waiting to be processed in/through me. Allot of long yawns and deep ‘being with’ the heavy waves of anonymous ‘stuffs’ (buckets of anger) occurred. I also found myself sighing allot, feeling the thickness and slow moving nature of this densely accumulating energy.
At the very beginning of this process, it seemed as though I heard a voice saying/calling my friend “stupid” (a strong masculine belittling of her, etc.: Like a recording of/from the past.) Note in my journal: ‘The typical masculine instincts’ fear of being disarmed by the feminine heart-conscience?’
The sensation of being pregnant with purge-material (?) The thought that I was pregnant at one time with my new friend (a mother), though I dismissed this in the moment as a fleeting sci-fi experience/imagining, yet it occurred, at least on the symbolic level (We are all pregnant with our friends and ‘enemies’.)
Luco sung icaros from time to time, though so much of this journey was one of beholding, quiet looking.
My joking that people were smoking the ‘eye of the tiger,’ since the end of the cigarette looked like one in the dark. The laughter over the new sound we heard from the jungle nearby, that it was a ‘Rat Shaman’ and how he’d perform ventiatas with a series of whip-sounds via its tail, etc. (A few comments about a possible Cat Shaman as well; purring ventiatas, etc.) A beautiful exchange between people; soft, meditative and accepting: Luco‘s laughter!
Hearing the sounds of large fish jumping out of the water, birds and faint music from a distant town…
Light houses and Dark houses
At the beginning of the ceremony, while still sitting at the mid-point of the boat, I received a message; a voice told me that every time a person experiences solo-sex with themselves (masturbation), that they call into themselves spirits and souls. These souls (disincarnate) collect and gather, creating more and more as the drama of separation deepens. Self medicating by staying sick and dependant (?) on relief (?) [In my journal I underlined the word ‘physical’ twice. Possibly a reference to the human body as a temple of memory and actions/circumstances of a person’s being partly based on these collections, etc. (?)]
Called to the front
For a time I sat at the middle of the boat and purged by dry heaving a little, while the onset of the ‘collected disharmonies’ was subtle, slow going… Soon Luco would ask me to come up front and sit, to be in the company of the others and see the view; the stars reflecting in the surface of the water was incredible! It was as if the boat was suspended in outer Space.
In the front… Standing up and beholding the vast starry
clusters, sensing deeply that we are made of star dust and are all from ‘up there’, formed and settling down here for an undisclosed amount of time…
While holding onto the anchor-pole, I experimented by sending out energy into the river via a sense that I had that it could be similar to a tuning-fork at this time; calling/trying to connect with the dolphins and towards any other benevolent spirits (mermaids/fairies). Intentional activation of my solar plexus area; sending these pulses through the pole and into the clay/river’s basin…
Once again, water called to me strongly during this ceremony; at times I would play with it in my hands, put it on my face, head and chest… I also found myself drawing diagrams in it and sending these sketches out into the ripples: it was amazing how such an all moving liquid seemed to stay still for these drawings to occur in.
Hanging my head over the edge of the boat and looking into the water while laughing a little…
Allot of my time throughout this ceremony was spent beholding the stars… (Star material looking at star material.)
A voice told me that man was God’s sperm and woman God’s egg: I received distant feelings concerning the primordial sense of separation that is somehow recorded in the opposite sexes, a sense that creates the drama of trying to get together and ‘be’ ‘Till death do we part.’
Ironically, I felt on this night that it was at the beginning of human form that the separation was commenced, that parting was a sort of marriage to Divorce and some cosmic dance’ beginning…
A Medium and nothing too.
A memory, of standing on the boat, looking at the stars with a strong present sense of my feet being ‘on’ the boat, planted, between solid earth and airy sky, while holding the anchor-stick that connected/fastened me energetically to the Earth by way of its being stuck in the river base-mud/clays… An incredible sensation of paradoxical existence!
The sensation of redemption: Seeing Shipibo designs and Jeff’s head as a mass of little eyes looking up at the stars.
My hands being covered in diamonds; the ‘dance’ that occurred between my two hands, spontaneous, as if they had souls and a beingness all their own, i.e., a deep and profound beholding of their objective relationships to one another through the emotions of gesture-language (The right and left hemispheres dancing?) With this, I sense that Yage is/was teaching me more about healing with my hands, though through a very abstract-modality/mood-way of intimate language.
No opposite thinking: Sensing that we are each from different soul-clans, that there are playful spirits, getting into everything and inquisitive, while another is a star-gazer, etc. My sensing of a different shape of body and appearance beneath the shadowed human(s) I was witnessing this night on the boat.
Sensing the utter humiliation and awe that we souls, who can encompass the beingness of our galaxy’s center, can be so caught up in the small affairs of daily life, fleeting, ever changing and no where near as eternal-sensed and vital as a beginning point of departure/return as the heavens and the experienced wonder-place (?)
An ever deepening sense of being the beholder, experiencing and furthering my roots into the body of Life…
I recall a brief sense of the ‘Reciprocal Maintenance’ that Gurdjieff speaks of and how the forms of life and life transcribed as Death, go around and around…
Seeing 3-4 shooting stars… (Jeff mentioned later that all stars are suns and that falling stars are dying suns.)
Night travel on the Rio Ucayaci
Birds passing (sometimes whitish bats flying in pairs) over the river in the dark as we boated home. The scent of the jungle at night, so subtle and distinctly layered with floral, peat, leaves and boggy scents, incredible!
On the way back I filmed us traveling by the river banks lit up by a single halogen light mounted at the front of the boat. Once again, I saw the white/light gray bats in pairs and singular, following the boat, crisscrossing over to the other side…
Walkers of the upside down
The idea came to me that God is both ‘the shape’ and its ‘reflection’ and that the water held all forms, yet possessed none of its own.
The reflection in the water of the shoreline’s plant life, trees, etc. was astounding, it was as if there was an entire upside down world beneath its twin-surface one; an intuition came to me that wandering, darker energies and spirits dwelled down there, walking upside down, caught momentarily in their ‘walks of life.’ (?)
The thought came to me that participation with Ayahuasca is a way to purge the ‘Painbody’ and slowly return to the state of original perceptions: from here so much can be learned, experienced…
Nearing the moving shore
Getting off the boat, we’re all still in the ayahuasca zone, particularly once setting foot on the Earth/standing up so to walk a distance to get home...
Notes: Jeff and I hilariously laughing and walking back/staggering (the earth was moving as I first stepped off the boat) along the roadway to the Main House from the docks; smiling and joking… My creation of a Mr.T impersonation in relation to ‘pitying the fool that drinks a full cup on his first ceremony’ and ‘pitying the fool who crimps the shaman’s style by asking for another cup when he (the shaman) wants to go to bed.’
Sensing that I ought to take more than my usual dose during the next ceremony (with this particular new brew in mind/spirit.)
Experiencing (possibly due to Sanango and the purging/healing session) unusual aches in my neck and a slight headache.
The sense of an internal creation occurring by way of abstaining from sexual activity; that Yage effects the libido and is using the energy to assist in creating something new within (?) It is also leading this ‘shift of attention’.
Feeling/visualizing a large burning third eye within my head; perceiving in coexistence with this image-being; not tactile, more silent, wordless-slow…
Later this day we’d take a different boat into Iquitos (the aluminum speed boat)… Luco’s children rode with us, along with Mausha, Kenney and Luco. A deep appreciation of Luco resonates this morning (4AM) as I am finishing these notes at the hotel in Iquitos; how love is done, that talk is cheap and that he’s truly an inspiration for us all, to do the deeds of love and remain patiently silent about the plans…
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Ceremony 16
October 9, 2009
Stirring the oceans of me.
I am recording this late, hoping that the delay has not taken too much from my memory of an extraordinary deepening in the spiritual path of ayahuasca that’s merging with this human and cosmic consciousness within me.
I dedicated this night’s ceremony towards ‘being for’ my mother’s birthday present; I wished to be a receptacle of her ‘dark material’, i.e., to be the transformer of its stagnations, to heal her of past traumas, hurt, confusion, etc.
I wished to have whatever amount could be given to me, to transform it away and relieve her of any amount of hurt I could. Yage would later tell me that I had received “Buckets of filth.” (I also sensed that this ‘material’ was part and parcel belonging to each soul who is participating in a human incarnation, no matter what the external appears to be; even diamonds cast shadows...)
The night started with a little humor, in that I had the earliest bathroom visit to date; it seems that my body responded to the medicine right away, before I even drank, i.e., simply watching it being poured and drank… This was the last ceremony before the new batch was to be brewed on Saturday; we plan to have Ceremony 17 (my 17th) on the Rio Ucayali river, in the boat…
When drinking my dose, I had the clear intent to go into this with my mother exclusively in heart, soul and mind.
Tonight was incredible in so many ways: One was that Luco did ventiatas (holy healing chants, accompanied by the leaf-fan) for everyone, including Bill and Mausha (the two visitors). Mausha did not drink, though this could not impede Luco’s availability… The icaros were beautiful, particularly a new one that included allot of whistling.
Yage reminded me of how I’ve changed via my personal joy; how I am available and that the consequences of my day to day actions are more pure since I have been trying to follow her precepts, suggestions, etc.
Later Ayahuasca would (very soberly) compliment me about my retrieval of the ego-material concerning the time I had stated to a friend my ‘experience-qualifications’ for understanding life (my trying to reinforce a stance in a discussion); she also reminded me about the ‘borrowed nails and a couple tools’ (Of which I replaced today and handed to a builder.)
Yage said that there would be more work on this night, continuing the chakra adjustments from the previous ceremonies…
Green dancer
While sitting on my mat; the incredible dancing taking place with her (Ayahuasca) in me: Feeling her body (manifesting as a naked, female human). I recall hearing her say, “I am no whore, I am the bringer of life to this Earth.” (My body as ‘Earth’?)
I was told that ‘the material’ of my mother’s was being gathered and that I would process it in degrees throughout the night.
When dancing, something in me (a bit lioness-like) was noticing the rising moon; its light shinning directly on me and the feeling that this light somehow was helping to open up my chest chakra or heart (?)
My dancing with her bare body somewhat superimposed on me or molecularly/electronically ‘grafted/woven’ to me…
Again, feeling the moonlight entering my chest, breathing deep and sensing a process had begun between myself and the moon’s light, its ‘personal power’…
Looking into the moon, like an animal of some kind; pure primal-ish presence, pure awe and quiet excitement about what the moment may bring… (Neutral, no thoughts, pure frisky energy and a calm thrill.)
Looking at my hands and arms, seeing their bejeweled surfaces.
Several moments occurred with dry-heave purging; allot of gastro-purging, yawning and waiting… Seeing the usual Shipibo designs, though they did not last as long into this night.
Waving to oceans
Prior to this ventiata, Luco performed one for Paul, who was also experiencing his purge during about the same time-frame as myself: Being so close in proximity to him, I shared in his ventiata and felt Yage’s joy within me at the operating going on between the shaman and Paul…
When Luco got to me and did a ventiata over/in front of me, I felt that the shaking of the leaf fan and his dynamic was stirring ancient (even prehistoric) oceans up inside me, churning and merging them into one another; I also sensed afterwards that the ventiata had cleared out the remaining ‘received-material’ of my mother’s.
It was during this ventiata that I experienced, with a different sort of sacred clarity and reign on my inner emotions, a deep humbleness, surrender and innocence…
The aura of sacredness was immense! Luco’s quiet, deeply rooted love was inseparable from all the other qualities merging together to bring about a total surrender to the medicine’s will, its ruling kingdom of knowing me, showing, and offering. Luco’s commitment and consistency in ceremony, while under all sorts of changing daytime circumstances, is truly inspiring!
To let go: With my head bowed down as far as my neck would allow, within this ventiata, I felt that I had finally arrived at total surrender to Yage.
The sounds from the leaf fan are incredible ‘deliverers’; I cannot rightly explain this feeling today, though I can say that it carries to the person some sort of real ‘vibrational operation’, i.e., a change in inner patterns, possibly the central nervous system, brain routes and general psychic make-up, if there is such an outline/pattern to the psyche (?)
A curious icon
There was a moment when an unusual theme came into my consciousness, introducing itself as a voice having a personal connection to me, stating that, “I am a solid gold toilet who is always pure and clean because I can flush and hold nothing in: I am not broken.”
A subtle experience: This becoming a solid gold vessel for containing ‘buckets of filth’ and ‘holding it’, flushing it, etc. All that this ‘holding’ implies… Incredible! Within the yage-dimension, I find it amazing that such icons form, images that in ordinary reality we’d dismiss as silly or too bizarre to relate to, yet, tonight, this image was as much of a holy supreme icon as the Ark of the Covenant or Holy Grail.
Being a mother to my mother
Much of this ceremony-time was spent laying down and being with my mother’s material: it seems that Yage kept it ‘impersonal’, so far as the literal translation of the material I was receiving a general mood from, translating it to me as energy, emotional mass, volume and mood; not many visuals…
There was one moment when I looked down and found myself involuntarily holding out my two hands, with palms up, as if to support a child in my lap… A slight visual materialized depicting a long, decayed vertebrae, though no head (?) The totality of the image may have been faded at its terminations (?) The main image that I now feel was being communicated was the ‘backbone of a situation.’
To this image, I applied love, patience, openness of heart, healing intent, etc. My right hand started making serpentine gestures, traveling up and down (through) the image, as if to disperse its solid-ness, to achieve transparency; eventually it dissolved, transforming into a long piece of thread-like material that I took in my two forefingers and thumbs, lifted it up, making a smiling-face-gesture of it, and then softly let it go into the air, like blowing on a dandelion… A very mystical and subtle ‘operation’, a sort that I do not recall ever participating this deeply with, i.e., using so many parts of myself to be with and to bring change to…
Later Yage would add that some of this ‘material’ was being accumulated inside me and that I’d purge further on into the ceremony while going to the bathroom… I recall feeling the sensation of earthy-saturation, like having ‘grounds’ inside me (my belly) where ‘things’ were seeping into me there, collecting, waiting, like a septic tank (without the drama of what we’d usually associate with this underground ‘place’, since it wasn’t gross, dark or spooky.)
Beholding my maintained state of deep joy-consciousness as I moved through this song/dance-intent to process my mother’s material; telling her and my father (plus my step-mother Penny and my step-brother Chris, including all those who have ever hurt me, that I loved them, forgave them, etc.)
The moment of wishing my mother Happy Birthday.
Note: I feel that the ‘decaying vertebrae’ may have belonged to Michael Anthony Cornett (my half-brother and my mother‘s first born son, who lived to be fifteen minutes old.
Blue rayed eyesight
I experienced an awakening within myself to a higher ‘opening vision’, a sort of inner vista as myself, a being of myself (literally illuminated from within.) While being inside/with this light, a phosphorescent aspect of my being, I was reminded and taken back to the time of my earliest out of body experiences, specifically when I found myself completely outside looking around my room (at my father’s home in Winchester, VA, at the age of about 11 or 12) with blue radiant eyesight, as if I had two mini flashlights imbedded in my eyes…
A sort of ‘coming complete circle’ seemed vaguely the case here, though I am not sure… I also sensed that I had a different shape of physical body while with this vision/seeing/being, though cannot say exactly what it was, more aquatic though, similar to an upright hammerhead shark or manta ray-ish (?)
Jacob is not alone.
The sense that Ayahuasca is a/the sort of angel that Jacob wrestled with.
When thinking about Rumi’s story of Mohammad changing the King’s soiled bed sheets, (He (the King) had a dream of soiling himself and awoke to having actually done this: It is curious that this also happens within Yage ceremonies too.) Yage would later tell me that, “I was him too.” (Meaning the Mohammed of Rumi‘s fable.)
I felt the sacredness of processing the buckets of filth and that we each have this faculty within us to offer one another… (Possibly even the holy love-duty to achieve the mastering of this craft in one of our life-times, i.e., in our own By-deed-way.)
Ceremony; when a rising sun is
our setting sun, the ceasing of a night’s ‘day’.
Notes: The beautiful journey into town prior to ceremony. An anonymous little girl running to me, open arms, wishing a hug and embracing, smiling. (Later, in ceremony, this would bring a profound inner illumination to me, i.e., concerning the attraction of the feminine, a living sign of a subtle shift and an inner-feminine healing process occurring/ongoing alive.)
The ceremony ended at about 1:30 AM/3.5 hours. Bill, a visitor, commented that it was the best ceremony he’d attended so far on his journeys here in Peru.
A ‘picture’ came to me about a design change for the cottage I am building here (the roof).
As the ceremony was winding down, Paul and I went back into the Ceremony House to be with David, since he was still going through his journey-process; we try not to leave anyone alone in the CH while they‘re still deeply ‘in the teaching-zone.’ Further into the morning I would lay down on my mat and massage my lower back/coccyx with the obsidian stone; I also placed it over my throat, heart, mid-chest, sternum, sex and head chakras: I experienced falling asleep in the CH by myself for the first time…
Early morning: Taking a cold shower (Actually that’s all there is here.) and soaping up/rinsing, feeling that I am being prepared by small degrees to be the keeper of Ayahuasca’s residence in me: sensing that my body is now being shared, that I am hosting a room where one of God’s angels resides from time to time. (How to describe this ’No Vacancy’ sign? Yet, there is ‘room’ within the room, i.e., while following the lessons.)
While on the way to Ceremony 17
I wrote these additional notes to Ceremony 16, sitting in the boat, traveling up the Rio Ucayaci river ~
Seeing a Shipibo-like matrix of daisy designs (From the inner Little Boy within me, i.e., that realm of action/being?) It was while I was briefly standing up in ceremony (quietly collecting my inner-stance) that I noticed this.
Careful-love-space.
Envisioning my mother as a little girl.
The smiling, blossoming baby.
Feeling protected by Sanango.
A sense that finding (rediscovering) my personal joy was actually the biggest event so far (and not the ‘Prostitute of Poetry’ revelations.) This joy-state remains as my lighthouse and love-transformer throughout ceremonies.
Reconfirming Yage-agreements about standards of living/being.
Again, making the antennae hand-signs towards the sky and lotus shapes near my belly and sex, while feeling a sort of energetic investment occurring from above.
Going over to David after the main part of the ceremony purge was over; intuitions to move back to a place of simple company, being, sensing that Yage was between us, in him and that there was something still occurring in the zone between malevolent energies (I could smell) and the medicine’s will.
Feeling the deep gratefulness to have Yage in me, integrated, dancing and helping me change my life.
Sensing wholly for the first time that Ayahuasca is a true spiritual discipline (comparable to Tibetan Buddhism). This ‘sense’ was more profound and stated in my heart than ever before as a reality being lived.
The vast feeling that I am a sentient soul, i.e., a light-being, not of this world-origin, in it, though waking to what I was prior to this incarnation, pre-human characteristics of my being…
Investing yellow flowers and surrounding my mother (her as a child) with jewels/flowers: saying to her and my father that, “I give you all the flowers I have. I do not want her to have this material, this pain.” Sending duplicate wishes towards my father: Quietly lounging in the mist of suffering-residue.
Sensing that I was purging her material into starry space, via my looking into the dark purge-bowl (and how the container’s void changed at this moment to my perceiving.)
Helping Dolly (one of the house/ceremony assistants, who does not drink the tea with us) with Paul’s purge-bowl; the sense of love and togetherness, soft and quiet work.
Ayahuasca telling me to heal with my hands and that it would teach me. (I briefly envisioned the later role that I may be heading towards, i.e., that of helping others by this yet to be taught craft.)
Sending healing energies to Paul during his ventiata with Luco…
Drinking the triple chamomile tea after ceremony-time: sensing that Yage was happy with this flower in my belly and that it was what she had wished for my body.
Using the shower water to wash… (A kind of purge?) The rinsing water has become an integral ‘tool’ for/during many of my ceremonies (Especially going to completely submerge in the nearby river.) Also the shedding of my clothes afterwards into the laundry basket, even if they are ‘perfectly’ clean, i.e., not wearing them twice.
My joy is my found, my residence, my home and my secure.
Feeling that there has been a definite shift so far as honoring people’s boundaries.
The epiphany that the world approaches me as I approach it; that I have much more positive power within than caution. Refinement. Love is progressive, while control is circular.
Stirring the oceans of me.
I am recording this late, hoping that the delay has not taken too much from my memory of an extraordinary deepening in the spiritual path of ayahuasca that’s merging with this human and cosmic consciousness within me.
I dedicated this night’s ceremony towards ‘being for’ my mother’s birthday present; I wished to be a receptacle of her ‘dark material’, i.e., to be the transformer of its stagnations, to heal her of past traumas, hurt, confusion, etc.
I wished to have whatever amount could be given to me, to transform it away and relieve her of any amount of hurt I could. Yage would later tell me that I had received “Buckets of filth.” (I also sensed that this ‘material’ was part and parcel belonging to each soul who is participating in a human incarnation, no matter what the external appears to be; even diamonds cast shadows...)
The night started with a little humor, in that I had the earliest bathroom visit to date; it seems that my body responded to the medicine right away, before I even drank, i.e., simply watching it being poured and drank… This was the last ceremony before the new batch was to be brewed on Saturday; we plan to have Ceremony 17 (my 17th) on the Rio Ucayali river, in the boat…
When drinking my dose, I had the clear intent to go into this with my mother exclusively in heart, soul and mind.
Tonight was incredible in so many ways: One was that Luco did ventiatas (holy healing chants, accompanied by the leaf-fan) for everyone, including Bill and Mausha (the two visitors). Mausha did not drink, though this could not impede Luco’s availability… The icaros were beautiful, particularly a new one that included allot of whistling.
Yage reminded me of how I’ve changed via my personal joy; how I am available and that the consequences of my day to day actions are more pure since I have been trying to follow her precepts, suggestions, etc.
Later Ayahuasca would (very soberly) compliment me about my retrieval of the ego-material concerning the time I had stated to a friend my ‘experience-qualifications’ for understanding life (my trying to reinforce a stance in a discussion); she also reminded me about the ‘borrowed nails and a couple tools’ (Of which I replaced today and handed to a builder.)
Yage said that there would be more work on this night, continuing the chakra adjustments from the previous ceremonies…
Green dancer
While sitting on my mat; the incredible dancing taking place with her (Ayahuasca) in me: Feeling her body (manifesting as a naked, female human). I recall hearing her say, “I am no whore, I am the bringer of life to this Earth.” (My body as ‘Earth’?)
I was told that ‘the material’ of my mother’s was being gathered and that I would process it in degrees throughout the night.
When dancing, something in me (a bit lioness-like) was noticing the rising moon; its light shinning directly on me and the feeling that this light somehow was helping to open up my chest chakra or heart (?)
My dancing with her bare body somewhat superimposed on me or molecularly/electronically ‘grafted/woven’ to me…
Again, feeling the moonlight entering my chest, breathing deep and sensing a process had begun between myself and the moon’s light, its ‘personal power’…
Looking into the moon, like an animal of some kind; pure primal-ish presence, pure awe and quiet excitement about what the moment may bring… (Neutral, no thoughts, pure frisky energy and a calm thrill.)
Looking at my hands and arms, seeing their bejeweled surfaces.
Several moments occurred with dry-heave purging; allot of gastro-purging, yawning and waiting… Seeing the usual Shipibo designs, though they did not last as long into this night.
Waving to oceans
Prior to this ventiata, Luco performed one for Paul, who was also experiencing his purge during about the same time-frame as myself: Being so close in proximity to him, I shared in his ventiata and felt Yage’s joy within me at the operating going on between the shaman and Paul…
When Luco got to me and did a ventiata over/in front of me, I felt that the shaking of the leaf fan and his dynamic was stirring ancient (even prehistoric) oceans up inside me, churning and merging them into one another; I also sensed afterwards that the ventiata had cleared out the remaining ‘received-material’ of my mother’s.
It was during this ventiata that I experienced, with a different sort of sacred clarity and reign on my inner emotions, a deep humbleness, surrender and innocence…
The aura of sacredness was immense! Luco’s quiet, deeply rooted love was inseparable from all the other qualities merging together to bring about a total surrender to the medicine’s will, its ruling kingdom of knowing me, showing, and offering. Luco’s commitment and consistency in ceremony, while under all sorts of changing daytime circumstances, is truly inspiring!
To let go: With my head bowed down as far as my neck would allow, within this ventiata, I felt that I had finally arrived at total surrender to Yage.
The sounds from the leaf fan are incredible ‘deliverers’; I cannot rightly explain this feeling today, though I can say that it carries to the person some sort of real ‘vibrational operation’, i.e., a change in inner patterns, possibly the central nervous system, brain routes and general psychic make-up, if there is such an outline/pattern to the psyche (?)
A curious icon
There was a moment when an unusual theme came into my consciousness, introducing itself as a voice having a personal connection to me, stating that, “I am a solid gold toilet who is always pure and clean because I can flush and hold nothing in: I am not broken.”
A subtle experience: This becoming a solid gold vessel for containing ‘buckets of filth’ and ‘holding it’, flushing it, etc. All that this ‘holding’ implies… Incredible! Within the yage-dimension, I find it amazing that such icons form, images that in ordinary reality we’d dismiss as silly or too bizarre to relate to, yet, tonight, this image was as much of a holy supreme icon as the Ark of the Covenant or Holy Grail.
Being a mother to my mother
Much of this ceremony-time was spent laying down and being with my mother’s material: it seems that Yage kept it ‘impersonal’, so far as the literal translation of the material I was receiving a general mood from, translating it to me as energy, emotional mass, volume and mood; not many visuals…
There was one moment when I looked down and found myself involuntarily holding out my two hands, with palms up, as if to support a child in my lap… A slight visual materialized depicting a long, decayed vertebrae, though no head (?) The totality of the image may have been faded at its terminations (?) The main image that I now feel was being communicated was the ‘backbone of a situation.’
To this image, I applied love, patience, openness of heart, healing intent, etc. My right hand started making serpentine gestures, traveling up and down (through) the image, as if to disperse its solid-ness, to achieve transparency; eventually it dissolved, transforming into a long piece of thread-like material that I took in my two forefingers and thumbs, lifted it up, making a smiling-face-gesture of it, and then softly let it go into the air, like blowing on a dandelion… A very mystical and subtle ‘operation’, a sort that I do not recall ever participating this deeply with, i.e., using so many parts of myself to be with and to bring change to…
Later Yage would add that some of this ‘material’ was being accumulated inside me and that I’d purge further on into the ceremony while going to the bathroom… I recall feeling the sensation of earthy-saturation, like having ‘grounds’ inside me (my belly) where ‘things’ were seeping into me there, collecting, waiting, like a septic tank (without the drama of what we’d usually associate with this underground ‘place’, since it wasn’t gross, dark or spooky.)
Beholding my maintained state of deep joy-consciousness as I moved through this song/dance-intent to process my mother’s material; telling her and my father (plus my step-mother Penny and my step-brother Chris, including all those who have ever hurt me, that I loved them, forgave them, etc.)
The moment of wishing my mother Happy Birthday.
Note: I feel that the ‘decaying vertebrae’ may have belonged to Michael Anthony Cornett (my half-brother and my mother‘s first born son, who lived to be fifteen minutes old.
Blue rayed eyesight
I experienced an awakening within myself to a higher ‘opening vision’, a sort of inner vista as myself, a being of myself (literally illuminated from within.) While being inside/with this light, a phosphorescent aspect of my being, I was reminded and taken back to the time of my earliest out of body experiences, specifically when I found myself completely outside looking around my room (at my father’s home in Winchester, VA, at the age of about 11 or 12) with blue radiant eyesight, as if I had two mini flashlights imbedded in my eyes…
A sort of ‘coming complete circle’ seemed vaguely the case here, though I am not sure… I also sensed that I had a different shape of physical body while with this vision/seeing/being, though cannot say exactly what it was, more aquatic though, similar to an upright hammerhead shark or manta ray-ish (?)
Jacob is not alone.
The sense that Ayahuasca is a/the sort of angel that Jacob wrestled with.
When thinking about Rumi’s story of Mohammad changing the King’s soiled bed sheets, (He (the King) had a dream of soiling himself and awoke to having actually done this: It is curious that this also happens within Yage ceremonies too.) Yage would later tell me that, “I was him too.” (Meaning the Mohammed of Rumi‘s fable.)
I felt the sacredness of processing the buckets of filth and that we each have this faculty within us to offer one another… (Possibly even the holy love-duty to achieve the mastering of this craft in one of our life-times, i.e., in our own By-deed-way.)
Ceremony; when a rising sun is
our setting sun, the ceasing of a night’s ‘day’.
Notes: The beautiful journey into town prior to ceremony. An anonymous little girl running to me, open arms, wishing a hug and embracing, smiling. (Later, in ceremony, this would bring a profound inner illumination to me, i.e., concerning the attraction of the feminine, a living sign of a subtle shift and an inner-feminine healing process occurring/ongoing alive.)
The ceremony ended at about 1:30 AM/3.5 hours. Bill, a visitor, commented that it was the best ceremony he’d attended so far on his journeys here in Peru.
A ‘picture’ came to me about a design change for the cottage I am building here (the roof).
As the ceremony was winding down, Paul and I went back into the Ceremony House to be with David, since he was still going through his journey-process; we try not to leave anyone alone in the CH while they‘re still deeply ‘in the teaching-zone.’ Further into the morning I would lay down on my mat and massage my lower back/coccyx with the obsidian stone; I also placed it over my throat, heart, mid-chest, sternum, sex and head chakras: I experienced falling asleep in the CH by myself for the first time…
Early morning: Taking a cold shower (Actually that’s all there is here.) and soaping up/rinsing, feeling that I am being prepared by small degrees to be the keeper of Ayahuasca’s residence in me: sensing that my body is now being shared, that I am hosting a room where one of God’s angels resides from time to time. (How to describe this ’No Vacancy’ sign? Yet, there is ‘room’ within the room, i.e., while following the lessons.)
While on the way to Ceremony 17
I wrote these additional notes to Ceremony 16, sitting in the boat, traveling up the Rio Ucayaci river ~
Seeing a Shipibo-like matrix of daisy designs (From the inner Little Boy within me, i.e., that realm of action/being?) It was while I was briefly standing up in ceremony (quietly collecting my inner-stance) that I noticed this.
Careful-love-space.
Envisioning my mother as a little girl.
The smiling, blossoming baby.
Feeling protected by Sanango.
A sense that finding (rediscovering) my personal joy was actually the biggest event so far (and not the ‘Prostitute of Poetry’ revelations.) This joy-state remains as my lighthouse and love-transformer throughout ceremonies.
Reconfirming Yage-agreements about standards of living/being.
Again, making the antennae hand-signs towards the sky and lotus shapes near my belly and sex, while feeling a sort of energetic investment occurring from above.
Going over to David after the main part of the ceremony purge was over; intuitions to move back to a place of simple company, being, sensing that Yage was between us, in him and that there was something still occurring in the zone between malevolent energies (I could smell) and the medicine’s will.
Feeling the deep gratefulness to have Yage in me, integrated, dancing and helping me change my life.
Sensing wholly for the first time that Ayahuasca is a true spiritual discipline (comparable to Tibetan Buddhism). This ‘sense’ was more profound and stated in my heart than ever before as a reality being lived.
The vast feeling that I am a sentient soul, i.e., a light-being, not of this world-origin, in it, though waking to what I was prior to this incarnation, pre-human characteristics of my being…
Investing yellow flowers and surrounding my mother (her as a child) with jewels/flowers: saying to her and my father that, “I give you all the flowers I have. I do not want her to have this material, this pain.” Sending duplicate wishes towards my father: Quietly lounging in the mist of suffering-residue.
Sensing that I was purging her material into starry space, via my looking into the dark purge-bowl (and how the container’s void changed at this moment to my perceiving.)
Helping Dolly (one of the house/ceremony assistants, who does not drink the tea with us) with Paul’s purge-bowl; the sense of love and togetherness, soft and quiet work.
Ayahuasca telling me to heal with my hands and that it would teach me. (I briefly envisioned the later role that I may be heading towards, i.e., that of helping others by this yet to be taught craft.)
Sending healing energies to Paul during his ventiata with Luco…
Drinking the triple chamomile tea after ceremony-time: sensing that Yage was happy with this flower in my belly and that it was what she had wished for my body.
Using the shower water to wash… (A kind of purge?) The rinsing water has become an integral ‘tool’ for/during many of my ceremonies (Especially going to completely submerge in the nearby river.) Also the shedding of my clothes afterwards into the laundry basket, even if they are ‘perfectly’ clean, i.e., not wearing them twice.
My joy is my found, my residence, my home and my secure.
Feeling that there has been a definite shift so far as honoring people’s boundaries.
The epiphany that the world approaches me as I approach it; that I have much more positive power within than caution. Refinement. Love is progressive, while control is circular.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Ceremony 15
October 7, 2009
Trust in God’s medicine.
I went into this ceremony with the specific intent to heal my mother, father and a new friend. The way into this, I would never have guessed it, i.e., by entering my father’s material, his inheritances as an incarnated soul (in) the masculine-human condition, his family dynamics (mother, father, grandmother and brother), his collective shame, his suffering and yearning for maternal/feminine affection, his not being able to get enough or of a certain innate quality of feminine love/appreciation, etc. (Perhaps when quality isn’t there, then quantity becomes a self-medicating device/lifestyle?)
I stretched (toe touches) before and during the immersion into the Yage-fields…
I experienced my inherited shame as well; a masculine ‘half’ of an ancient-whole-story. It seemed that my part of this ancestral-puzzle was dropped in from time to time as a reminder that I am ‘in it’ too, though having an opportunity to work it out, to unravel and slowly fuse the puzzle together into a cohesive emotional sensitivity for unconditional love’s application.
The game of putting the pieces together and having them scattered to the wind can cease through this medicine’s application/modalities…
Yage told me at the beginning of the ceremony that my chakras were going to be opened (cleared).
This process began with allot of dry heaving/purging of my father’s material, ancestral shame…
I received a message from Ayahuasca that something was stuck in my throat-chakra.
Luco came over during the last stages of this purge to assist; I experienced convulsions in my back, neck and head… He briefly massaged the back of my neck with one hand while shaking the leaf fan with the other and chanting.
Sensing a round rainbow in my throat-chakra area after Luco helped me with the purge: Also sensing it in other chakra areas…
Later in the night he’d sing icaros while including our names in them… I heard icaros on this night that I had not heard before; Luco’s son (Hulcker) drank with us on this night: Brotherly love. Recalling Samuel (the night guard) chasing the rat outside with a stick early on in the ceremony beginning.
Luco also addressed each ceremony attendee, telling us what tonight’s ceremony healing was about/for, i.e., what theme the medicine was concentrating on. He mentioned to me that it was ‘for my family’, he was absolutely right!
The dance of tough love.
Elimination through the usual ‘ports.’ Feeling that some-thing yellow was moving through me (finding and clearing the gray areas within.) Not sure what is was (?) Caterpillar, boa, etc.?
Heightened smell during and after ceremony.
There was allot of psychic material to purge (not so much literal subjects, events, etc.): Being purged through applying the presence of my rediscovered joy, I am (an ‘I Am-here with this as mine to heal, to own up to’) and placing present-conscience to the dark mists of shame and deep inheritance of this ’world as body.’
Also applying it to the syrup feeling of slow time, woven and unweaving, that had set in on me as I lay there with my face over the purge-bucket, off and on for several hours…
A voice came to me and said that going through this would heal the feminine. (By healing the masculine.)
Further into Father-realms
The immense subject of ’Closets of Pain’. How we create them; inner tombs of shame, etc. The holy application of conscious contemplation of Collective Forms/colors/moods/modalities of suffering. Praying that the revelations I had received would in some way be channeled to my father, mother, step-mother, friends, etc.
The shame felt by the realization that much of what I have done in my life, particularly for others, was not always asked for; that some ‘giving’ is a form of trespassing…
While in this dark ‘mist of shame,’ I experienced accessing the Inner-child and going into the White Cathedral of Yage… (To collect some reprieve?)
A key
I found on ‘key’ to the resentment that I sensed was keeping me from being grateful for my parents (or family unit as it was then: I am referencing Ceremony 14). This was the vision and partial re-living of a moment in my early childhood (fifth grade) when my father sat down with me and said that he was going to marry who would be my future step-mother… He also asked me if this was ok, though I recall sensing that he was going to do it either way, regardless of my say-so… I could sense that it was a symbolic formality. I also sensed his shame in relation to my real mother. (My re-experiencing of that emotional state.) A guilty conscience about what could have been if his actions were different?
I am experiencing an incredible growth in managing the medicine.
I am not ultimately a being of the desert.
While sitting in the rocking chair (in ceremony) I experienced the sense (visual and emotionally) of thorns appearing all over my body (like a cactus). I cleared away these with patience and a kind of knowing-trust in myself that does not involve mind activity.
I also experienced a phenomenon within me that communicated that I was developing a solid gold spinal cord in that moment.
Experiencing (this may have occurred in the hammock) the sensation of traveling, moving away from the Earth, through the atmosphere, out into Space; a neutral sensation, no specific information, plot, place, etc.
Postscripts from Grandmother Yage
Notes: Yage telling me to keep the temple clean/pure. Asking God fro guidance, protection, to assist with the aspects of applying love, wisdom, gratefulness and tolerance.
My seeing/perceiving as a cosmic-being-creation; ancient, realized as an incarnation here in this set of circumstances…
Thoughts/feelings concerning the esoteric school I belonged to; its teaching of the ‘effects’ of consciousness and my eventual need for Cause, i.e., to have cause and become it (or as we’d say in the school, to become ‘first force’) to align my lifestyle where I am a constant first force, no affirmation-dependency.
Envisioning inside me a gold-bullion spiral staircase.
Yage told me that ‘Sex is joyous.’ I intuited after this that it was not to be used for attachment, dependence, expression of expectations, control, anger/stress management, relief from expectations of the future and past, or the creation of Temples of Shame, energetic/psychic slavery, the drama celebration of The Irritation of Opposites, etc.
Suspended Pearls
In the hammock after ceremony.
Sensing that I was peeling off the ‘Skin of the Whore.’ The Prostitute of Art; seeing self-expression as a possible form of soul-virus, disenchantment from the self who is formless, not dependant on this physical incarnation for its peace, being, contentment, power, etc. (I would say that this ‘feeling’ about self-expression is not the only way life is lived/expressed as an artist, though it is prevalent…)
There was a point in the early morning hours where the ‘Red hot anger’ came back; this may have been the point where I began to pray and go into the White Cathedral of Yage. (?)
At home in my body. Waves of deep contemplation. Listening to it raining outside (also during the ceremony). Going outside and looking up at the storm-cloud-canopy, saying, “What are you waiting for?” Drawing the eye symbol on the ground and putting my hand over the four-way-split retina portion, sensing the Earth’s skin, giving to Gaia my healing intent/actuality, companionship-intent…
Feeling my chest-chakra-area, sensing the ‘Line of Chakras’, seeing (internally) white-like large pearls suspended in biomorphic masses within me (inner jewels).
The furthering of the feeling that deep work was occurring at the base of my spine… (root-chakra?)
Experiencing (This is common to all of my Yage ceremonies) the reconciliation of the left and right hemispheres, i.e., the third eye state of beholding, sensing,
contemplation, etc.
40/40
Still in the hammock…
An awesome sense of enthroned god-head.
The meditation on my total incarnation of forty years; sensing its shedding away and something completed. Suddenly having it related to the biblical ‘40 days and 40 nights in the desert (and the ‘resurrection.’) Having the epiphany that the ‘desert’ has/is the forty years in a human bound mind/cellular body-incarnation and all that this implies for the soul to have endured and is becoming realized out of it. (My 41st birthday is this October 15th.)
I originally wrote in my journal, that ‘…this (biblical passage) could refer to the soul’s incarnation into a body, a place where talent can distract from ‘being responsible for what little one has.’ ’ Ayahuasca told me to do this*, i.e., to ask for permission, to stop ‘borrowing’ things without asking; references to tools, etc. (*Referring to being responsible for what little I really have.)
The clear space of zero-affirmations: my body is the planet I am ‘on’. Massaging my
Having the observation/information come to me concerning the Egyptians treatment of funeral-items; being the incarnation and symbols of the mesh (the in between that merges Life and Death as one-being-here.) The Egyptians’ holy embellishment of Death, living endings…
Sensing/experiencing the time in the night/morning when the roosters begin to crow, an acknowledgement of some planetary shift (?) There was a brief glimpse of something happening on Jupiter (this planet and roosters?)
The sensation of being reconciled.
The feeling (and vague visual) that the lion-armed-boa was to my left and the dove on my right.
Sensing my ancient trail, the walking of this path (?) Yet, there is no information accompanying this ’reason’ or theme of being the traveler.
The vision of a world transition, the ultimate ceasing of the Wheel of Life (procreation); the inner transformation of the creative impulse for transcending the world of opposites, of Maya (chaos, desire & pain, war, fear and desire, etc.)
Being clear with my new friend about the companionship; keeping it out of romance and self expression without anchorage and responsibility of self, heart-conscience, resolved inner self-needs, etc.
Purging the memory/event-remnants of the night Laura (my second wife) and I were together for the last time. Deep remorse of conscience; applying joy, humility, trust, being and the sense that my inner state was one of payment for these hurtful times (redemption).
While spending some time at the dining table with one of the apprentices, who was very nauseous since he couldn’t throw up yet; I sent a brief healing intent to them through the same dual-hand gestures experienced with the young woman, though this time I sensed that it was not meant to be…
Prior to this ‘sense’, I had intuitively ‘scanned’ him internally and saw that his stomach was churning afire and that images of some dark sexual ‘material’ (sexual healing subjects-images) was being prepared for purge (though I have not verified that this was the case with him at that moment.)
I ‘disconnected’ and had the realization again that each is their own ‘galaxy of I am’, silhouetted black holes of the All Possible.
I experienced a further purge in the bathroom after ceremony: Observing my stomach muscles moving involuntarily to the intelligences of the medicine’s will of purge.
The realization that writing poetry was also a sort of ‘effect’ from a sexual energy ‘cause’, an attempt to heal, though kept a circular chain intact, hope, planning, etc. No fundamental change of results (in this circle). A sense that ‘free will’ is a kind of slavery, where masters are paradoxically dependant on slaves for their ’expressions.’
How we cannot know what was ‘in between the lines’ of/for the ancients.
A deep re-emersion into ‘Taking care of the little bit I have.’
The revelation that gemstones are innately related to the composition of the soul, the astral body.
Going to bed
While laying in bed listening to my Ipod. Envisioning Aya-sculptures, illustrations, etc. The chrome-plated infant statue that would reflect the viewer and possibly have some sort of geometric design on it; a jewel too… More inspirations to paint and drawings of skeleton material and flowers.
Experiencing an incredibly deep resonance with the icaros of Don Evangelino Murayay; the dancing and inner movements to this music. The Ayahuasca plant-spirit was definitely expressing itself through/with me; ‘her’ happiness was my happiness.
On my way to the river the next morning.
There was a group of men by the first bridge trying to get a water buffalo out of the stream bed, while having tethered it to a long strap… I saw that one of the men was wearing a shirt that had an illustration of a comic-cat face; below this caricature was a sentence that read, “We would like to personally thank your mother.” (It is her birthday this week.)
Alberto (Luco’s previous mentor/teacher-shaman) was there watching/hanging out… As I stood on the bridge next to the buffalo, looking at it, it finally stepped uphill and out…
While in the river, about to rinse off after the ceremony process, I heard something coming through the water just around the corner and thought it would be a person; instead, it was a huge, horned female cow. It walked towards me, then across the river and up a hillside: Once on top it let out a big moo and I took this as my cue to submerge underwater…
Trust in God’s medicine.
I went into this ceremony with the specific intent to heal my mother, father and a new friend. The way into this, I would never have guessed it, i.e., by entering my father’s material, his inheritances as an incarnated soul (in) the masculine-human condition, his family dynamics (mother, father, grandmother and brother), his collective shame, his suffering and yearning for maternal/feminine affection, his not being able to get enough or of a certain innate quality of feminine love/appreciation, etc. (Perhaps when quality isn’t there, then quantity becomes a self-medicating device/lifestyle?)
I stretched (toe touches) before and during the immersion into the Yage-fields…
I experienced my inherited shame as well; a masculine ‘half’ of an ancient-whole-story. It seemed that my part of this ancestral-puzzle was dropped in from time to time as a reminder that I am ‘in it’ too, though having an opportunity to work it out, to unravel and slowly fuse the puzzle together into a cohesive emotional sensitivity for unconditional love’s application.
The game of putting the pieces together and having them scattered to the wind can cease through this medicine’s application/modalities…
Yage told me at the beginning of the ceremony that my chakras were going to be opened (cleared).
This process began with allot of dry heaving/purging of my father’s material, ancestral shame…
I received a message from Ayahuasca that something was stuck in my throat-chakra.
Luco came over during the last stages of this purge to assist; I experienced convulsions in my back, neck and head… He briefly massaged the back of my neck with one hand while shaking the leaf fan with the other and chanting.
Sensing a round rainbow in my throat-chakra area after Luco helped me with the purge: Also sensing it in other chakra areas…
Later in the night he’d sing icaros while including our names in them… I heard icaros on this night that I had not heard before; Luco’s son (Hulcker) drank with us on this night: Brotherly love. Recalling Samuel (the night guard) chasing the rat outside with a stick early on in the ceremony beginning.
Luco also addressed each ceremony attendee, telling us what tonight’s ceremony healing was about/for, i.e., what theme the medicine was concentrating on. He mentioned to me that it was ‘for my family’, he was absolutely right!
The dance of tough love.
Elimination through the usual ‘ports.’ Feeling that some-thing yellow was moving through me (finding and clearing the gray areas within.) Not sure what is was (?) Caterpillar, boa, etc.?
Heightened smell during and after ceremony.
There was allot of psychic material to purge (not so much literal subjects, events, etc.): Being purged through applying the presence of my rediscovered joy, I am (an ‘I Am-here with this as mine to heal, to own up to’) and placing present-conscience to the dark mists of shame and deep inheritance of this ’world as body.’
Also applying it to the syrup feeling of slow time, woven and unweaving, that had set in on me as I lay there with my face over the purge-bucket, off and on for several hours…
A voice came to me and said that going through this would heal the feminine. (By healing the masculine.)
Further into Father-realms
The immense subject of ’Closets of Pain’. How we create them; inner tombs of shame, etc. The holy application of conscious contemplation of Collective Forms/colors/moods/modalities of suffering. Praying that the revelations I had received would in some way be channeled to my father, mother, step-mother, friends, etc.
The shame felt by the realization that much of what I have done in my life, particularly for others, was not always asked for; that some ‘giving’ is a form of trespassing…
While in this dark ‘mist of shame,’ I experienced accessing the Inner-child and going into the White Cathedral of Yage… (To collect some reprieve?)
A key
I found on ‘key’ to the resentment that I sensed was keeping me from being grateful for my parents (or family unit as it was then: I am referencing Ceremony 14). This was the vision and partial re-living of a moment in my early childhood (fifth grade) when my father sat down with me and said that he was going to marry who would be my future step-mother… He also asked me if this was ok, though I recall sensing that he was going to do it either way, regardless of my say-so… I could sense that it was a symbolic formality. I also sensed his shame in relation to my real mother. (My re-experiencing of that emotional state.) A guilty conscience about what could have been if his actions were different?
I am experiencing an incredible growth in managing the medicine.
I am not ultimately a being of the desert.
While sitting in the rocking chair (in ceremony) I experienced the sense (visual and emotionally) of thorns appearing all over my body (like a cactus). I cleared away these with patience and a kind of knowing-trust in myself that does not involve mind activity.
I also experienced a phenomenon within me that communicated that I was developing a solid gold spinal cord in that moment.
Experiencing (this may have occurred in the hammock) the sensation of traveling, moving away from the Earth, through the atmosphere, out into Space; a neutral sensation, no specific information, plot, place, etc.
Postscripts from Grandmother Yage
Notes: Yage telling me to keep the temple clean/pure. Asking God fro guidance, protection, to assist with the aspects of applying love, wisdom, gratefulness and tolerance.
My seeing/perceiving as a cosmic-being-creation; ancient, realized as an incarnation here in this set of circumstances…
Thoughts/feelings concerning the esoteric school I belonged to; its teaching of the ‘effects’ of consciousness and my eventual need for Cause, i.e., to have cause and become it (or as we’d say in the school, to become ‘first force’) to align my lifestyle where I am a constant first force, no affirmation-dependency.
Envisioning inside me a gold-bullion spiral staircase.
Yage told me that ‘Sex is joyous.’ I intuited after this that it was not to be used for attachment, dependence, expression of expectations, control, anger/stress management, relief from expectations of the future and past, or the creation of Temples of Shame, energetic/psychic slavery, the drama celebration of The Irritation of Opposites, etc.
Suspended Pearls
In the hammock after ceremony.
Sensing that I was peeling off the ‘Skin of the Whore.’ The Prostitute of Art; seeing self-expression as a possible form of soul-virus, disenchantment from the self who is formless, not dependant on this physical incarnation for its peace, being, contentment, power, etc. (I would say that this ‘feeling’ about self-expression is not the only way life is lived/expressed as an artist, though it is prevalent…)
There was a point in the early morning hours where the ‘Red hot anger’ came back; this may have been the point where I began to pray and go into the White Cathedral of Yage. (?)
At home in my body. Waves of deep contemplation. Listening to it raining outside (also during the ceremony). Going outside and looking up at the storm-cloud-canopy, saying, “What are you waiting for?” Drawing the eye symbol on the ground and putting my hand over the four-way-split retina portion, sensing the Earth’s skin, giving to Gaia my healing intent/actuality, companionship-intent…
Feeling my chest-chakra-area, sensing the ‘Line of Chakras’, seeing (internally) white-like large pearls suspended in biomorphic masses within me (inner jewels).
The furthering of the feeling that deep work was occurring at the base of my spine… (root-chakra?)
Experiencing (This is common to all of my Yage ceremonies) the reconciliation of the left and right hemispheres, i.e., the third eye state of beholding, sensing,
contemplation, etc.
40/40
Still in the hammock…
An awesome sense of enthroned god-head.
The meditation on my total incarnation of forty years; sensing its shedding away and something completed. Suddenly having it related to the biblical ‘40 days and 40 nights in the desert (and the ‘resurrection.’) Having the epiphany that the ‘desert’ has/is the forty years in a human bound mind/cellular body-incarnation and all that this implies for the soul to have endured and is becoming realized out of it. (My 41st birthday is this October 15th.)
I originally wrote in my journal, that ‘…this (biblical passage) could refer to the soul’s incarnation into a body, a place where talent can distract from ‘being responsible for what little one has.’ ’ Ayahuasca told me to do this*, i.e., to ask for permission, to stop ‘borrowing’ things without asking; references to tools, etc. (*Referring to being responsible for what little I really have.)
The clear space of zero-affirmations: my body is the planet I am ‘on’. Massaging my
Having the observation/information come to me concerning the Egyptians treatment of funeral-items; being the incarnation and symbols of the mesh (the in between that merges Life and Death as one-being-here.) The Egyptians’ holy embellishment of Death, living endings…
Sensing/experiencing the time in the night/morning when the roosters begin to crow, an acknowledgement of some planetary shift (?) There was a brief glimpse of something happening on Jupiter (this planet and roosters?)
The sensation of being reconciled.
The feeling (and vague visual) that the lion-armed-boa was to my left and the dove on my right.
Sensing my ancient trail, the walking of this path (?) Yet, there is no information accompanying this ’reason’ or theme of being the traveler.
The vision of a world transition, the ultimate ceasing of the Wheel of Life (procreation); the inner transformation of the creative impulse for transcending the world of opposites, of Maya (chaos, desire & pain, war, fear and desire, etc.)
Being clear with my new friend about the companionship; keeping it out of romance and self expression without anchorage and responsibility of self, heart-conscience, resolved inner self-needs, etc.
Purging the memory/event-remnants of the night Laura (my second wife) and I were together for the last time. Deep remorse of conscience; applying joy, humility, trust, being and the sense that my inner state was one of payment for these hurtful times (redemption).
While spending some time at the dining table with one of the apprentices, who was very nauseous since he couldn’t throw up yet; I sent a brief healing intent to them through the same dual-hand gestures experienced with the young woman, though this time I sensed that it was not meant to be…
Prior to this ‘sense’, I had intuitively ‘scanned’ him internally and saw that his stomach was churning afire and that images of some dark sexual ‘material’ (sexual healing subjects-images) was being prepared for purge (though I have not verified that this was the case with him at that moment.)
I ‘disconnected’ and had the realization again that each is their own ‘galaxy of I am’, silhouetted black holes of the All Possible.
I experienced a further purge in the bathroom after ceremony: Observing my stomach muscles moving involuntarily to the intelligences of the medicine’s will of purge.
The realization that writing poetry was also a sort of ‘effect’ from a sexual energy ‘cause’, an attempt to heal, though kept a circular chain intact, hope, planning, etc. No fundamental change of results (in this circle). A sense that ‘free will’ is a kind of slavery, where masters are paradoxically dependant on slaves for their ’expressions.’
How we cannot know what was ‘in between the lines’ of/for the ancients.
A deep re-emersion into ‘Taking care of the little bit I have.’
The revelation that gemstones are innately related to the composition of the soul, the astral body.
Going to bed
While laying in bed listening to my Ipod. Envisioning Aya-sculptures, illustrations, etc. The chrome-plated infant statue that would reflect the viewer and possibly have some sort of geometric design on it; a jewel too… More inspirations to paint and drawings of skeleton material and flowers.
Experiencing an incredibly deep resonance with the icaros of Don Evangelino Murayay; the dancing and inner movements to this music. The Ayahuasca plant-spirit was definitely expressing itself through/with me; ‘her’ happiness was my happiness.
On my way to the river the next morning.
There was a group of men by the first bridge trying to get a water buffalo out of the stream bed, while having tethered it to a long strap… I saw that one of the men was wearing a shirt that had an illustration of a comic-cat face; below this caricature was a sentence that read, “We would like to personally thank your mother.” (It is her birthday this week.)
Alberto (Luco’s previous mentor/teacher-shaman) was there watching/hanging out… As I stood on the bridge next to the buffalo, looking at it, it finally stepped uphill and out…
While in the river, about to rinse off after the ceremony process, I heard something coming through the water just around the corner and thought it would be a person; instead, it was a huge, horned female cow. It walked towards me, then across the river and up a hillside: Once on top it let out a big moo and I took this as my cue to submerge underwater…
Ceremony 14
October 6, 2009
Love, tolerance, gratitude: Be grateful
for ‘Mothers’ and ‘Fathers.’
Purging the opposites of gratefulness through conscious shame; realization of my world-worthiness.
The pool of incarnate souls is so deep, a depth previously insurmountable by my ‘normal’ mind-morality, logical thinking; it is a vast cathedral of Eternity and Time dancing…
Prior to the ceremony my stomach was burning a little; letting go of the pain, initially caused by massaging it deeply, its effects quickly dispersed and calmed so that the medicine had a clearer platform…
My heart opening very broad: the message concerning gratefulness towards my father and step-mother’s roles, their work, investments and sacrifices: feeling deep shame about how I have not been/invested in this gratefulness-field towards their having walked it…
Yage told me at the beginning of ceremony that ‘this’ is what I’d be doing throughout the evening, i.e., sending love and gratitude towards them…
Feeling that some old/archaic resentment was standing in my way of being grateful. (The effects of being around hidden away consciences? Including my own? The world seems to teach a Heart-hide and go seek-game.)
Sending deep, continuous gratitude towards my father and his wife.
The scanning of my memories (Yage accessing them for me to see.) about how much of themselves and their lives they gave for my raising, no matter the form it took shape ‘in’, time was spent, efforts were untied and souls were involved: also, my Grandmothers too were included…
(I sense that my mother was not initially in this ‘list’ since I have worked so much over the last year and a half to invest and honor her place in my inner life, there were no big ‘loose ends’ that the medicine was rooting out, although I have found myself visiting her spiritual material and helping heal gray issues…)
Experiencing being a conduit/medium for Ayahuasca’s love and dance… Hot and cold body-temperature moments throughout the night. A Yage reference about my traveling soon to the ‘Battlefield of Love Sought.’ (?)
Red
Sensing the subject of ’Red Hot Anger’ leaving my energy stream; transforming it through my compassion, acceptance and will… (To love myself through it unconditionally.) Managing it with personal joy and love-open.
The incredible serpentine/feminine dances I experienced expressed through me while sitting on my mat listening/receiving the rhythms of the two leaf-fans via Luco and Bill, a visitor who attended and drank with us, alongside a friend who attended with him, Mausha.
Feeling a definite feminine spirit within me; as if Ayahuasca was dancing through me, celebrating existence by way of rhythm and being rooted throughout my body.
Giving space to the medicine to heal, i.e., getting out of the way; pure unfolding.
Seeing my skin covered in jewel-like patterns: having the very intense sensation of being filled with blue-green gems, that some inner-coating was being woven/formed, a deep suit of jewels. I felt this ‘filling up’ on a physical level as well, i.e., slightly painful…
Clearing the malevolent energies/symbols from the sides of my body and downwards: envisioning the open lotus in my belly and sex area. Purging on this night by all the ‘vehicles’ of letting it out, save being able to throw up liquids…
Luco’s incredible icaros, laughter and lightness of being: Seeing the energy patterns steaming off of him, his often disappearing head and the long energetic rays coming off of it like tubular feathers/rays…
Home
Looking at my body as ‘Home’, i.e., coming home, kissing the side of my leg out of deep, deep, fathomless arriving at home (Seeming like a soft version of someone kissing the earth after a death defying airplane ride.) Snuggling into myself and embracing all-this-body/myself deeply. Being with the healing quietness of the medicine’s circulating…
The quote coming to me, that “I have lied.” Ayahuasca telling me (later in the Main House) “Never lie again.”
(Exaggerations, living vicariously through others and my private time via complex assumptions or theories (even certain forms of hope), investing no actual deeds towards my aspirations and then inner/outer-ly complaining that they‘re not happening, subconscious dialog of non-probabilities that enter everyday-conversation about what I’d like to do and the revelations of how much I am what I speak when it’s filtered/revealed through conscience.
Speaking of an ‘oasis of self-planning’ that never occurs in daily life, i.e., creating a positive, pleasant-picture of ‘the self’ for another’s romance in you; going against conscience, using others as vanity/exciting self pity-mirrors…
Feathers
Sitting up on my mat and looking down, seeing wing-like shapes at my feet, as if the wings were tucked round me; also feeling them lightly moving behind me (on my back/shoulders, like a butterfly…
A realization, and the sending of it towards the heavens, that I have/am ready to sacrifice everything (writing, career, sex, art, all attachments) for this work with the medicine.
The strong epiphany, during the process of the medicine-ceremony, that we are here to be realized out of this ‘confusion of opposites,’ these forms of being preoccupied with comparison, the Wheel of Life, etc. The deep sacredness of the process of the medicine.
Yage working deep into my intestines/bowels. Throughout the night, feeling so close to myself as ‘home.’
Guests
The becoming of Netherworld and Sun
Bill and Mausha joined us from having attended a ceremony at Alberto’s the night previous; Mausha was having a difficult time this night… I found myself intuitively sending healing energies towards her and trying to envision a joy-mandala, a transformative spectrum-design above her. Witnessing geometric and a slight turtle shape overlaying/outlining her energy field while Luco was healing her…
When ‘in’ the healing-intuition, connected to Mausha, I experienced something incredible, a transformation, as if a vehicle/spirit device was integrating through my body (Two dimensions creating a healing/reconciliation-medium through me?)
I looked down and watched my hands take automatic poses and mannerisms, i.e., the one on the left adopted the nature of the Netherworld and was posed upright like a stop-hand-sign (Left hand: having qualities of dark Space, a vacuum, airless, stillness, stability, coolness, the timelessness of Death and cycles, etc.) While the right hand was turned on its side, like a spear point, representing the Sun; it vibrated from time to time (Right hand: burning energy, subtle (no glowing), alive, dynamic, directive, concentrative, with aims to heal, giving life, etc.) Directing this energy her way: stillness and vibratory… The feeling that something (the spirit of a dead family member?) had attached itself to her via a netherworld route.
Additionally, I experienced, while connected to this healing-conduit with Mausha, the power of the Little Boy within me, calling him forwards and his sending of yellow-flower energy towards her.
Briefly seeing, while looking towards Bill to my left, large butterflies in the atmosphere of the Ceremony House.
Friends
The birth process of Gratitude-practiced
A sensation of love and gratitude sent out towards my friends and writing many of them the next day from the Internet Cafe expressing this.
While in the Ceremony House I had a strong desire to go to the river, though did not wish to travel alone; I couldn’t find anyone ready to go. Instead of pressing this wish forwards, I stayed since Luco began singing incredibly beautiful icaros again (Not that they‘re not always this, though tonight there was a haunting depth to them that they usually do not contain). This helped settle me deeper into myself without needs or wants, to consider the lessons being taught/circulating in my consciousness, being-a-human with them and how I was blossoming internally.
Real flowers
After the Main Ceremony
Going to check on the chicken and her new fledglings, to see if a rat was trying to get them: Her roosting over the chicks while sitting in a blue plastic bowl under the outdoor sink area… Petting her, a beautiful beholding.
The revelation (while in the hammock) that each organ is a potential blossom, being-spirit-ally, etc. Having the sensation that each organ was blossoming, being with me/within, suspended…
The heart area/heart-chakra being opened more; opening the chest in degrees of actual daily practice, deeds and sincerity practiced: feeling a physical, tingling sensation with this ‘opening.’
Envisioning Shipibo designs and seeing matrixes of neutral-energy skulls here and there.
The Sanango ‘operated’ on my right arm while I lay in the hammock after the main part of the ceremony was over…
The inspiration/revelation of painting/creating Yage inspired illustrations, Aya-art, themes of opening hearts, smiling infants giving out the power of ‘I am This’, etc.
Body-work
The inner sensations of a quiet sexual beingness; the feeling that ‘it’ is for procreation…
A process is occurring in me that is rewiring, reconfiguring the relationship I have to ‘spending my seeds.’ Ayahuasca is showing me the sacredness of this planet-plant-body I inhabit, the implications of mixing energies, desires, etc. with the ‘form of sex/sexuality.’
Going outside to be with/check on a friend; looking up at the stars, a sense of the awesome life-ness and ability to be myself from the inside out.
While I was taking a shower after ceremony, I experienced the sensation of being a very different consciousness in my purifying body: That the medicine is slowly returning/or taking me towards an ‘original state’ (or) an evolutionary regeneration progress (?)
The sensation of being ‘ok’ by myself and the joy of receiving a friend as they entered the house after ceremony.
Bejeweled by being here and the deepening of the ‘I am this state.’
An idea came to me about what Rumi and Shams were possibly doing together in their private time, their legendary Sufi sojourns, i.e., that Shams had introduced Rumi to similar medicine as Yage (Soma?) and that they were traveling/purging/transforming the worlds of themselves together. And how so much of Rumi’s and Hafiz’s love-poetry and prose is like the Yage dimension of teaching/being/experiencing.
The breaking of the myth within me that the medicine was loosing its ‘electricity’ due to its aging in the humidity here; this ceremony and the previous one proved this is not true.
Emotional breakthroughs, the day prior and today, with a new friend I have here; the emotional conversation between us, speaking of old souls, what is/was revealed of my soul’s being while in the Yage zone with them, etc. (Referencing the jungle ceremony specifically.)
The stepping into that emotion-space of being free of opposite-relating…
Love, tolerance, gratitude: Be grateful
for ‘Mothers’ and ‘Fathers.’
Purging the opposites of gratefulness through conscious shame; realization of my world-worthiness.
The pool of incarnate souls is so deep, a depth previously insurmountable by my ‘normal’ mind-morality, logical thinking; it is a vast cathedral of Eternity and Time dancing…
Prior to the ceremony my stomach was burning a little; letting go of the pain, initially caused by massaging it deeply, its effects quickly dispersed and calmed so that the medicine had a clearer platform…
My heart opening very broad: the message concerning gratefulness towards my father and step-mother’s roles, their work, investments and sacrifices: feeling deep shame about how I have not been/invested in this gratefulness-field towards their having walked it…
Yage told me at the beginning of ceremony that ‘this’ is what I’d be doing throughout the evening, i.e., sending love and gratitude towards them…
Feeling that some old/archaic resentment was standing in my way of being grateful. (The effects of being around hidden away consciences? Including my own? The world seems to teach a Heart-hide and go seek-game.)
Sending deep, continuous gratitude towards my father and his wife.
The scanning of my memories (Yage accessing them for me to see.) about how much of themselves and their lives they gave for my raising, no matter the form it took shape ‘in’, time was spent, efforts were untied and souls were involved: also, my Grandmothers too were included…
(I sense that my mother was not initially in this ‘list’ since I have worked so much over the last year and a half to invest and honor her place in my inner life, there were no big ‘loose ends’ that the medicine was rooting out, although I have found myself visiting her spiritual material and helping heal gray issues…)
Experiencing being a conduit/medium for Ayahuasca’s love and dance… Hot and cold body-temperature moments throughout the night. A Yage reference about my traveling soon to the ‘Battlefield of Love Sought.’ (?)
Red
Sensing the subject of ’Red Hot Anger’ leaving my energy stream; transforming it through my compassion, acceptance and will… (To love myself through it unconditionally.) Managing it with personal joy and love-open.
The incredible serpentine/feminine dances I experienced expressed through me while sitting on my mat listening/receiving the rhythms of the two leaf-fans via Luco and Bill, a visitor who attended and drank with us, alongside a friend who attended with him, Mausha.
Feeling a definite feminine spirit within me; as if Ayahuasca was dancing through me, celebrating existence by way of rhythm and being rooted throughout my body.
Giving space to the medicine to heal, i.e., getting out of the way; pure unfolding.
Seeing my skin covered in jewel-like patterns: having the very intense sensation of being filled with blue-green gems, that some inner-coating was being woven/formed, a deep suit of jewels. I felt this ‘filling up’ on a physical level as well, i.e., slightly painful…
Clearing the malevolent energies/symbols from the sides of my body and downwards: envisioning the open lotus in my belly and sex area. Purging on this night by all the ‘vehicles’ of letting it out, save being able to throw up liquids…
Luco’s incredible icaros, laughter and lightness of being: Seeing the energy patterns steaming off of him, his often disappearing head and the long energetic rays coming off of it like tubular feathers/rays…
Home
Looking at my body as ‘Home’, i.e., coming home, kissing the side of my leg out of deep, deep, fathomless arriving at home (Seeming like a soft version of someone kissing the earth after a death defying airplane ride.) Snuggling into myself and embracing all-this-body/myself deeply. Being with the healing quietness of the medicine’s circulating…
The quote coming to me, that “I have lied.” Ayahuasca telling me (later in the Main House) “Never lie again.”
(Exaggerations, living vicariously through others and my private time via complex assumptions or theories (even certain forms of hope), investing no actual deeds towards my aspirations and then inner/outer-ly complaining that they‘re not happening, subconscious dialog of non-probabilities that enter everyday-conversation about what I’d like to do and the revelations of how much I am what I speak when it’s filtered/revealed through conscience.
Speaking of an ‘oasis of self-planning’ that never occurs in daily life, i.e., creating a positive, pleasant-picture of ‘the self’ for another’s romance in you; going against conscience, using others as vanity/exciting self pity-mirrors…
Feathers
Sitting up on my mat and looking down, seeing wing-like shapes at my feet, as if the wings were tucked round me; also feeling them lightly moving behind me (on my back/shoulders, like a butterfly…
A realization, and the sending of it towards the heavens, that I have/am ready to sacrifice everything (writing, career, sex, art, all attachments) for this work with the medicine.
The strong epiphany, during the process of the medicine-ceremony, that we are here to be realized out of this ‘confusion of opposites,’ these forms of being preoccupied with comparison, the Wheel of Life, etc. The deep sacredness of the process of the medicine.
Yage working deep into my intestines/bowels. Throughout the night, feeling so close to myself as ‘home.’
Guests
The becoming of Netherworld and Sun
Bill and Mausha joined us from having attended a ceremony at Alberto’s the night previous; Mausha was having a difficult time this night… I found myself intuitively sending healing energies towards her and trying to envision a joy-mandala, a transformative spectrum-design above her. Witnessing geometric and a slight turtle shape overlaying/outlining her energy field while Luco was healing her…
When ‘in’ the healing-intuition, connected to Mausha, I experienced something incredible, a transformation, as if a vehicle/spirit device was integrating through my body (Two dimensions creating a healing/reconciliation-medium through me?)
I looked down and watched my hands take automatic poses and mannerisms, i.e., the one on the left adopted the nature of the Netherworld and was posed upright like a stop-hand-sign (Left hand: having qualities of dark Space, a vacuum, airless, stillness, stability, coolness, the timelessness of Death and cycles, etc.) While the right hand was turned on its side, like a spear point, representing the Sun; it vibrated from time to time (Right hand: burning energy, subtle (no glowing), alive, dynamic, directive, concentrative, with aims to heal, giving life, etc.) Directing this energy her way: stillness and vibratory… The feeling that something (the spirit of a dead family member?) had attached itself to her via a netherworld route.
Additionally, I experienced, while connected to this healing-conduit with Mausha, the power of the Little Boy within me, calling him forwards and his sending of yellow-flower energy towards her.
Briefly seeing, while looking towards Bill to my left, large butterflies in the atmosphere of the Ceremony House.
Friends
The birth process of Gratitude-practiced
A sensation of love and gratitude sent out towards my friends and writing many of them the next day from the Internet Cafe expressing this.
While in the Ceremony House I had a strong desire to go to the river, though did not wish to travel alone; I couldn’t find anyone ready to go. Instead of pressing this wish forwards, I stayed since Luco began singing incredibly beautiful icaros again (Not that they‘re not always this, though tonight there was a haunting depth to them that they usually do not contain). This helped settle me deeper into myself without needs or wants, to consider the lessons being taught/circulating in my consciousness, being-a-human with them and how I was blossoming internally.
Real flowers
After the Main Ceremony
Going to check on the chicken and her new fledglings, to see if a rat was trying to get them: Her roosting over the chicks while sitting in a blue plastic bowl under the outdoor sink area… Petting her, a beautiful beholding.
The revelation (while in the hammock) that each organ is a potential blossom, being-spirit-ally, etc. Having the sensation that each organ was blossoming, being with me/within, suspended…
The heart area/heart-chakra being opened more; opening the chest in degrees of actual daily practice, deeds and sincerity practiced: feeling a physical, tingling sensation with this ‘opening.’
Envisioning Shipibo designs and seeing matrixes of neutral-energy skulls here and there.
The Sanango ‘operated’ on my right arm while I lay in the hammock after the main part of the ceremony was over…
The inspiration/revelation of painting/creating Yage inspired illustrations, Aya-art, themes of opening hearts, smiling infants giving out the power of ‘I am This’, etc.
Body-work
The inner sensations of a quiet sexual beingness; the feeling that ‘it’ is for procreation…
A process is occurring in me that is rewiring, reconfiguring the relationship I have to ‘spending my seeds.’ Ayahuasca is showing me the sacredness of this planet-plant-body I inhabit, the implications of mixing energies, desires, etc. with the ‘form of sex/sexuality.’
Going outside to be with/check on a friend; looking up at the stars, a sense of the awesome life-ness and ability to be myself from the inside out.
While I was taking a shower after ceremony, I experienced the sensation of being a very different consciousness in my purifying body: That the medicine is slowly returning/or taking me towards an ‘original state’ (or) an evolutionary regeneration progress (?)
The sensation of being ‘ok’ by myself and the joy of receiving a friend as they entered the house after ceremony.
Bejeweled by being here and the deepening of the ‘I am this state.’
An idea came to me about what Rumi and Shams were possibly doing together in their private time, their legendary Sufi sojourns, i.e., that Shams had introduced Rumi to similar medicine as Yage (Soma?) and that they were traveling/purging/transforming the worlds of themselves together. And how so much of Rumi’s and Hafiz’s love-poetry and prose is like the Yage dimension of teaching/being/experiencing.
The breaking of the myth within me that the medicine was loosing its ‘electricity’ due to its aging in the humidity here; this ceremony and the previous one proved this is not true.
Emotional breakthroughs, the day prior and today, with a new friend I have here; the emotional conversation between us, speaking of old souls, what is/was revealed of my soul’s being while in the Yage zone with them, etc. (Referencing the jungle ceremony specifically.)
The stepping into that emotion-space of being free of opposite-relating…
Ceremony 13
October 5, 2009
Less control, more love.
Prior to this ceremony, on October 4, a dream occurred picturing me in a room with several children and an enormous python with arms (and legs?), having claws like a lion; I was pouring water on it and inquiring of the children about it.
____
This evening’s ceremony began with us traveling by boat to the region where we usually collect tree barks for the ayahuasca brew each session; a 20-30 minute ride up river from the village.
We set up base camp with the usual ceremony supplies, long bed cushions, mosquito nets, chairs for Luco and his son (His son’s half brother Kenney had his first ayahuasca ceremony with us this night). Luco’s son chopped small trees for making the ground stakes to support the mosquito nets, although we did not spend the night this time, planning to do so during the following session’s jungle ceremony. We’re also planning to do a ceremony on the river this Friday, October 9...
Although Luco mentioned that the leaf fan was not necessary due to the incredible natural sounds of the jungle,
(only the ventiatas would be performed) later in the night he’d break off several branches nearby to create one for what I sensed was needed in more specific healings…
Looking up
Laying in the mosquito net canopy, looking at the stars shinning through the semi-transparent fabric, listening to all of the amazingly new sounds, I thought that for many animals of the jungle, the night was their ‘day’, since it seemed just as busy during the evening as the morning’s start…
I heard sounds that I’ve never experienced before: I cannot begin to rightly describe the gratitude I felt for this opportunity, for Luco and the brothers efforts on our part… There were eight of us total that night, all drinking the medicine together in the depths of the Amazon jungle, perched up on a little hillside-ledge by the boat’s docking…
The moon was full on this night, so, visibility was perfect for boating back in the early morning hours; I had also brought four light-sticks, breaking them open at the beginning of preparations, they were the perfect diffused light for the eye’s sensitivity later, after drinking the medicine and being in the boat… The usual rule for the ceremony is ‘no lights’ during its process, though we can use our headlamps when going to the bathroom…
The quiet being of me
The lessons of this night would deepen those of the previous ceremonies: I am grateful and sit this morning like a mixed up, though clear hearted child…
The spirit of Sanango showed up later in this early evening’s ceremony (We started between 8 and 9PM), working in its usual deepening way, focused, with stern love and other-world patience and precision.
The process began as I heard a voice tell me that ‘we’ were going to begin with purging/working with ‘The area of my back’, its mid-point (That has been chronically ‘raw’ and void-like for 12+ years.) Yage said that many had stabbed me in the back due to my good nature/will (and most likely, my naiveté too.) ‘She’ continued to say that tonight we would purge their resentments of me. The subtle healing of this ‘hole’ would begin…
The medicine’s process (Sanango intensified this) began as it dug deep within my belly/guts: Ayahuasca also told me to take off the necklaces that I had previously bought, both for ceremony use and due to a personal affinity with hematite, rose and clear quartz… It mentioned that ‘I did not need them.’
In and Out
We all experienced our healings both inside and outside of our tents. (Except the brothers who had not brought canopies.) My purging process began very soon into the ceremony, i.e., allot of short-gagging (a first), followed by a series of deep dry heaving of deeply ‘stuck’ things in me, multiple whooping coughs, etc…
I experienced this on the sleeping mat initially, ending the series of ‘coughing up’ while on all fours, outside my tent, with Luco performing a healing ventiata over me. I vaguely sensed that something had brought me outside and sat me down for him to administer a deeper ‘focus’ upon… (I had experienced a strong desire to get out from under the mosquito net, to be in the open, out of the stuffiness and to get fresh air, as well as wishing to share in the companionship of Luco and the brothers.)
Sitting with the brothers, embracing from time to time, and simply being was an incredible experience; a sort of reminder of where brotherly love begins, in the quiet,
unspoken resonance-fields.
While dry-purging into my bucket on the ground and sitting in the chair, I slightly sensed the serpent-lion energy, though it was very small, a distant/no inner-energy presence.
What is the essence of being serious?
What is the essence of being in control?
As I was purging, I received no specific information, i.e., names, literal references to the past, etc. This ‘type’ of purge seemed more bound to removing a general collection of invested ‘stabs’. I sensed the energy as very deep, fixed, nearly ‘solid’ or sedimentary… The medicine would talk to me throughout this process, telling me that it was going to work with me slowly, in degrees, etc. Again, the sounds of the jungle were incredible, a mystically felt paradox to those of the purge that was happening… The purge lasted, off and on, for about 15-25 minutes.
Notes: Clarity of being on my own two feet. Being the creator of my joys, the holder of the world ‘As it knows me’ and not as I try to control its ‘digesting’ of my organic and mental sides of living/experiencing this body, life, others, physical circumstances, ideas, etc. Seeing the Shipibo designs in a smaller, more precise/miniscule ‘way.’ (Tiny skulls transforming into diamonds/geometric symbols: symbols on the skin and possibly in the air.) Seeing with my heart, the preciousness of this body. The holy quietness of the body-temple.
While in the tent, something new occurred, I experienced a strong intuition to hold up my hands to the sky, spread my fingers and pose them in place: the sudden revelation that they were pulling down energy and circulating it throughout my body, investing it in me… (The definite idea came to me that they were acting as antennae of sorts.)
Seeing the atoms/molecular composition of my hands. Forming the lotus shape with my forefingers and thumbs while accessing the sky-bound energies. The quiet breeze within me as Existence, pure seeing and relieving (contentment with no opposing outside force, concept or subject).
Collective Shame
Ayahuasca would take me into Collective Shame and say that there were graveyards of shame to purge and that this would be done in slow degrees/stages.
The acknowledgement of my dog Bear’s death (long ago when I was a teenager) and the honoring/meditation on her existence in my life and her solo-being without an external subject or role…
The medicine told me that there was something ‘smelly’ in me and that it needed to come out… (I actually smelled this skunk scent and thought it was outside the tent, though I now believe that it was not, that it was something issuing up inside me, being perceived by my heightened acuteness to spirit/psychic-wastes.) Later I would purge this through the gastro-intestinal…
While under the canopy, I heard a tree frog making a sound nearby, a tune I had never witnessed… Briefly I had a thought and an accompanying vision, that ‘it’ was performing its own ventiata over us (and I felt a personal affinity towards it and its melody directed to me). The vision was very quick, it flashed into my consciousness, showing ‘him’ as a bejeweled little chubby being, frog-like, though more humanoid in body build and vaguely decked out in some sort of ceremonial outfit (?)
Once outside, the mosquitoes were vicious, diving and biting; we kept our shirts flapping like horsetails in our hands…
I also heard a new sound that Luco mentioned might have been an alligator.
Blossoms to frowns, frowns to blossoms.
Going over to a friend and giving him a hug; helping him throughout the night/morning; going further into compassion and brotherly, conscientious love for the self that has no juxtaposition, no voice in this world, though a song on the soul-plane…
The lesson concerning what I learned through one of the visitors (outside the apprentice group.) To see expression of the self (mental) as often a prayer for help, residues of malevolent (untransformed by consciousness/deeds) cultural inheritances; puzzle pieces of humanity arriving at my door for love-attentions and not to be greeted by ‘bigger and better’ No Soliciting signs…
To be without me, so to be with you.
Receiving incredible revelations concerning ‘How to be with people.’ Rather than my first response, i.e., trying to control the environment that’s annoying me, (or limiting/silencing it with opposite commentary or ‘positive’ dialog-challenges that negate a person‘s input into their own curiosity towards the universe; to leave it alone to the Holy-void of Becoming the territories we please and release from the songs of our souls).
To make inquiries, ask healing/positive questions, go deeper with the heart, use conscious, creative empathy to bring blossoms to frowns, frowns to blossoms…
To be myself, joyful, I need not trespass on Noise or upon the landscapes of others…
No more playing the ‘Aggravated Hero.’
Seed
The further lesson concerning our soul’s consciousness inhabiting these ‘types of walking-plants’, i.e., that we’re each a sort of ‘seed’ planted at a particular astrological ‘point’ in time/space-soil, (A moment somewhat ‘quarantined’ to Gaia-time.) Sensing this aspect of the Wheel of Life and our beginnings out in Space…
A lesson in conscious, heart-adaptation, i.e., to not resist when circumstances (the fingerprint ridges felt from the Universe’s handling of us) resist our expectations.
A teaching concerning the aspect of homosexuality on Earth; the masculine’s loss of the worship of the feminine and the feminine’s loss of masculine’s worship, etc.
Musing
Subtle add-on lessons concerning the ‘Prostitute of Poetry’ subject from the previous ceremony introduction… That muses/musing can be vampirism, that our inherited ‘strengths/talents’ can hide our weaknesses and keep us bound to their ‘inspirations/vibrations’, hosting ‘them’ like a canine a tick or a tree the mistletoe plant.
Deciphering the art/craft sphere without our ever playing, ‘pronouncing’ the instruments as masters of ourselves, our lifestyles, competitiveness and addictions to Comparison; worrying about less and wanting more…
Following the waves/tides of musing and not being at the helm, being swept along by the creative-force without conscious/conscience participation: The Muse being the ‘pimp’; a talent or career acting as a sort of parasite, etc.
From this Muse-lesson, my strongest sense was that ‘my muse’ was hiding my heart, had/has tricks up its sleeves at times to keep me in a lifestyle ‘conductive’ to its pure expression-form, without regard for soul-evolving, heart-evolving, readying myself for the separation from its form and self-definitions ‘borrowed’ through its wear-abilities, etc.
(I sense that this ‘hiding of the heart’ may not even be an issue for the ‘Muse-force’ itself, that it simply ‘is as it is’, like plants having roots and seeds or being dependant on nutrients, sunlight, etc.)
The lesson continued to reveal how the Muse plays; flirting with talent and out-of-the-box thinking/creating. That it is more vital (love-right) for the soul/spirit to go into the heart, to be more in Nature and around friends, that my writing will slowly (while here in the Amazon) become more ‘mine’, and less [It-Is]…
The lesson to go deeper and ‘sculpt in’ with heart-being, belly-expansion (breathing deeper, inherit the heart, inherit compassion, and inherit unconditional love from ‘this’ I Am-inner-yearning-right.)
Joy and feet on the earth-ness…
Musing can be a drug/opiate for the soul, a possession-wed/web, like a gemstone that’s worn to warn/confront others of your status, position, etc., rather than for healing, inspiration or private means to holy beginnings/belongings…
To ‘let’ preciousness reside as the diadem of conscious-death-breathing, to let hidden-preciousness go, not allowing them to bolster/glare the fear of loosing that which is considered ‘valuable’ to the eyes of the opposite mind…
Drop the world’s largest diamond into the ocean at night while having spun dizzy and without a compass and map to go back to… Regret nothing that sinks below the view of the soul.
Beginning
The lesson that ‘I am beginning.’ Doing whatever I can to assist my new friend in her project to build a community of healers, educators, etc. The reminders concerning Yage’s advice to return to California, get my contractor’s license and ‘build beautiful things for people.’
Experiencing the inner vision/sensation that my Yage-cathedral was ‘dim’; sensing that I needed to invest more joy, tolerance, light, etc., in the moment.
Speaking out loud (within) about my love for/as a friend… Sensing on the boat (going back to Jenaro Herrera) that I wish a confidant, a plutonic relationship… The intuition that sex isn’t the form to begin with.
Insights or reminders of the drama within the feminine that ‘I’ often attract; how not to be a subconscious ‘player’, i.e., to be used by the feminine and masculine (Nature) thirsts for needing, security, wanting, drama, wishes for ‘Dolls’, archetypal role playing, etc. (The masculine in relation to the woman approaching this would has its own ‘play’ as well.) How to exchange heart-spaces without debts, expectations, attachment or dependence.
Going Home
It was around 12:30AM when we started down the hillside with the cushions, chairs, misc. supplies, to load the boat and head home.
The spray of the water inside the boat while speeding through the water at night was incredible!
We were all still experiencing the yage-dimension while boating back to Jenaro Herrera.
Notes: A friend mentioning that he was seeing ‘warning faces-signs’ in the trees as we sped by the river’s shoreline, seeming to say ‘Enter this place at your own risk.’
I felt that we’d most likely see what we project (?) Looking at the shoreline I saw that the tree-canopies looked like huge monolithic faces, like those of Easter Island’s ‘gods/deities’.
While boating on the water, I felt that it was like skating/ being on an ice barge sliding across a pond; traveling on the sky. And while looking at the water when standing up on the hillside, I had the sense that we were under it and that the river’s bottom was the ‘sky.’
After we docked, while walking back, we stopped outside Alberto’s house (Luco’s previous shaman-tutor/mentor) to listen to his ceremony occurring; beautifully strong and the sensation that they were deep in the spirit dimension…
When we were close to reaching the Main House, a dog came up to me, after I called it, and put its two paws on my right arm; holding them there it walked beside me for some time, on two legs, joyful, incredible…
The walk to the river after ceremony and seeing the little baby animal running up the footpath (type?).
Laying underwater, feeling the river running through me and out of my toes/feet as if I were hollow at each end!
Less control, more love.
Prior to this ceremony, on October 4, a dream occurred picturing me in a room with several children and an enormous python with arms (and legs?), having claws like a lion; I was pouring water on it and inquiring of the children about it.
____
This evening’s ceremony began with us traveling by boat to the region where we usually collect tree barks for the ayahuasca brew each session; a 20-30 minute ride up river from the village.
We set up base camp with the usual ceremony supplies, long bed cushions, mosquito nets, chairs for Luco and his son (His son’s half brother Kenney had his first ayahuasca ceremony with us this night). Luco’s son chopped small trees for making the ground stakes to support the mosquito nets, although we did not spend the night this time, planning to do so during the following session’s jungle ceremony. We’re also planning to do a ceremony on the river this Friday, October 9...
Although Luco mentioned that the leaf fan was not necessary due to the incredible natural sounds of the jungle,
(only the ventiatas would be performed) later in the night he’d break off several branches nearby to create one for what I sensed was needed in more specific healings…
Looking up
Laying in the mosquito net canopy, looking at the stars shinning through the semi-transparent fabric, listening to all of the amazingly new sounds, I thought that for many animals of the jungle, the night was their ‘day’, since it seemed just as busy during the evening as the morning’s start…
I heard sounds that I’ve never experienced before: I cannot begin to rightly describe the gratitude I felt for this opportunity, for Luco and the brothers efforts on our part… There were eight of us total that night, all drinking the medicine together in the depths of the Amazon jungle, perched up on a little hillside-ledge by the boat’s docking…
The moon was full on this night, so, visibility was perfect for boating back in the early morning hours; I had also brought four light-sticks, breaking them open at the beginning of preparations, they were the perfect diffused light for the eye’s sensitivity later, after drinking the medicine and being in the boat… The usual rule for the ceremony is ‘no lights’ during its process, though we can use our headlamps when going to the bathroom…
The quiet being of me
The lessons of this night would deepen those of the previous ceremonies: I am grateful and sit this morning like a mixed up, though clear hearted child…
The spirit of Sanango showed up later in this early evening’s ceremony (We started between 8 and 9PM), working in its usual deepening way, focused, with stern love and other-world patience and precision.
The process began as I heard a voice tell me that ‘we’ were going to begin with purging/working with ‘The area of my back’, its mid-point (That has been chronically ‘raw’ and void-like for 12+ years.) Yage said that many had stabbed me in the back due to my good nature/will (and most likely, my naiveté too.) ‘She’ continued to say that tonight we would purge their resentments of me. The subtle healing of this ‘hole’ would begin…
The medicine’s process (Sanango intensified this) began as it dug deep within my belly/guts: Ayahuasca also told me to take off the necklaces that I had previously bought, both for ceremony use and due to a personal affinity with hematite, rose and clear quartz… It mentioned that ‘I did not need them.’
In and Out
We all experienced our healings both inside and outside of our tents. (Except the brothers who had not brought canopies.) My purging process began very soon into the ceremony, i.e., allot of short-gagging (a first), followed by a series of deep dry heaving of deeply ‘stuck’ things in me, multiple whooping coughs, etc…
I experienced this on the sleeping mat initially, ending the series of ‘coughing up’ while on all fours, outside my tent, with Luco performing a healing ventiata over me. I vaguely sensed that something had brought me outside and sat me down for him to administer a deeper ‘focus’ upon… (I had experienced a strong desire to get out from under the mosquito net, to be in the open, out of the stuffiness and to get fresh air, as well as wishing to share in the companionship of Luco and the brothers.)
Sitting with the brothers, embracing from time to time, and simply being was an incredible experience; a sort of reminder of where brotherly love begins, in the quiet,
unspoken resonance-fields.
While dry-purging into my bucket on the ground and sitting in the chair, I slightly sensed the serpent-lion energy, though it was very small, a distant/no inner-energy presence.
What is the essence of being serious?
What is the essence of being in control?
As I was purging, I received no specific information, i.e., names, literal references to the past, etc. This ‘type’ of purge seemed more bound to removing a general collection of invested ‘stabs’. I sensed the energy as very deep, fixed, nearly ‘solid’ or sedimentary… The medicine would talk to me throughout this process, telling me that it was going to work with me slowly, in degrees, etc. Again, the sounds of the jungle were incredible, a mystically felt paradox to those of the purge that was happening… The purge lasted, off and on, for about 15-25 minutes.
Notes: Clarity of being on my own two feet. Being the creator of my joys, the holder of the world ‘As it knows me’ and not as I try to control its ‘digesting’ of my organic and mental sides of living/experiencing this body, life, others, physical circumstances, ideas, etc. Seeing the Shipibo designs in a smaller, more precise/miniscule ‘way.’ (Tiny skulls transforming into diamonds/geometric symbols: symbols on the skin and possibly in the air.) Seeing with my heart, the preciousness of this body. The holy quietness of the body-temple.
While in the tent, something new occurred, I experienced a strong intuition to hold up my hands to the sky, spread my fingers and pose them in place: the sudden revelation that they were pulling down energy and circulating it throughout my body, investing it in me… (The definite idea came to me that they were acting as antennae of sorts.)
Seeing the atoms/molecular composition of my hands. Forming the lotus shape with my forefingers and thumbs while accessing the sky-bound energies. The quiet breeze within me as Existence, pure seeing and relieving (contentment with no opposing outside force, concept or subject).
Collective Shame
Ayahuasca would take me into Collective Shame and say that there were graveyards of shame to purge and that this would be done in slow degrees/stages.
The acknowledgement of my dog Bear’s death (long ago when I was a teenager) and the honoring/meditation on her existence in my life and her solo-being without an external subject or role…
The medicine told me that there was something ‘smelly’ in me and that it needed to come out… (I actually smelled this skunk scent and thought it was outside the tent, though I now believe that it was not, that it was something issuing up inside me, being perceived by my heightened acuteness to spirit/psychic-wastes.) Later I would purge this through the gastro-intestinal…
While under the canopy, I heard a tree frog making a sound nearby, a tune I had never witnessed… Briefly I had a thought and an accompanying vision, that ‘it’ was performing its own ventiata over us (and I felt a personal affinity towards it and its melody directed to me). The vision was very quick, it flashed into my consciousness, showing ‘him’ as a bejeweled little chubby being, frog-like, though more humanoid in body build and vaguely decked out in some sort of ceremonial outfit (?)
Once outside, the mosquitoes were vicious, diving and biting; we kept our shirts flapping like horsetails in our hands…
I also heard a new sound that Luco mentioned might have been an alligator.
Blossoms to frowns, frowns to blossoms.
Going over to a friend and giving him a hug; helping him throughout the night/morning; going further into compassion and brotherly, conscientious love for the self that has no juxtaposition, no voice in this world, though a song on the soul-plane…
The lesson concerning what I learned through one of the visitors (outside the apprentice group.) To see expression of the self (mental) as often a prayer for help, residues of malevolent (untransformed by consciousness/deeds) cultural inheritances; puzzle pieces of humanity arriving at my door for love-attentions and not to be greeted by ‘bigger and better’ No Soliciting signs…
To be without me, so to be with you.
Receiving incredible revelations concerning ‘How to be with people.’ Rather than my first response, i.e., trying to control the environment that’s annoying me, (or limiting/silencing it with opposite commentary or ‘positive’ dialog-challenges that negate a person‘s input into their own curiosity towards the universe; to leave it alone to the Holy-void of Becoming the territories we please and release from the songs of our souls).
To make inquiries, ask healing/positive questions, go deeper with the heart, use conscious, creative empathy to bring blossoms to frowns, frowns to blossoms…
To be myself, joyful, I need not trespass on Noise or upon the landscapes of others…
No more playing the ‘Aggravated Hero.’
Seed
The further lesson concerning our soul’s consciousness inhabiting these ‘types of walking-plants’, i.e., that we’re each a sort of ‘seed’ planted at a particular astrological ‘point’ in time/space-soil, (A moment somewhat ‘quarantined’ to Gaia-time.) Sensing this aspect of the Wheel of Life and our beginnings out in Space…
A lesson in conscious, heart-adaptation, i.e., to not resist when circumstances (the fingerprint ridges felt from the Universe’s handling of us) resist our expectations.
A teaching concerning the aspect of homosexuality on Earth; the masculine’s loss of the worship of the feminine and the feminine’s loss of masculine’s worship, etc.
Musing
Subtle add-on lessons concerning the ‘Prostitute of Poetry’ subject from the previous ceremony introduction… That muses/musing can be vampirism, that our inherited ‘strengths/talents’ can hide our weaknesses and keep us bound to their ‘inspirations/vibrations’, hosting ‘them’ like a canine a tick or a tree the mistletoe plant.
Deciphering the art/craft sphere without our ever playing, ‘pronouncing’ the instruments as masters of ourselves, our lifestyles, competitiveness and addictions to Comparison; worrying about less and wanting more…
Following the waves/tides of musing and not being at the helm, being swept along by the creative-force without conscious/conscience participation: The Muse being the ‘pimp’; a talent or career acting as a sort of parasite, etc.
From this Muse-lesson, my strongest sense was that ‘my muse’ was hiding my heart, had/has tricks up its sleeves at times to keep me in a lifestyle ‘conductive’ to its pure expression-form, without regard for soul-evolving, heart-evolving, readying myself for the separation from its form and self-definitions ‘borrowed’ through its wear-abilities, etc.
(I sense that this ‘hiding of the heart’ may not even be an issue for the ‘Muse-force’ itself, that it simply ‘is as it is’, like plants having roots and seeds or being dependant on nutrients, sunlight, etc.)
The lesson continued to reveal how the Muse plays; flirting with talent and out-of-the-box thinking/creating. That it is more vital (love-right) for the soul/spirit to go into the heart, to be more in Nature and around friends, that my writing will slowly (while here in the Amazon) become more ‘mine’, and less [It-Is]…
The lesson to go deeper and ‘sculpt in’ with heart-being, belly-expansion (breathing deeper, inherit the heart, inherit compassion, and inherit unconditional love from ‘this’ I Am-inner-yearning-right.)
Joy and feet on the earth-ness…
Musing can be a drug/opiate for the soul, a possession-wed/web, like a gemstone that’s worn to warn/confront others of your status, position, etc., rather than for healing, inspiration or private means to holy beginnings/belongings…
To ‘let’ preciousness reside as the diadem of conscious-death-breathing, to let hidden-preciousness go, not allowing them to bolster/glare the fear of loosing that which is considered ‘valuable’ to the eyes of the opposite mind…
Drop the world’s largest diamond into the ocean at night while having spun dizzy and without a compass and map to go back to… Regret nothing that sinks below the view of the soul.
Beginning
The lesson that ‘I am beginning.’ Doing whatever I can to assist my new friend in her project to build a community of healers, educators, etc. The reminders concerning Yage’s advice to return to California, get my contractor’s license and ‘build beautiful things for people.’
Experiencing the inner vision/sensation that my Yage-cathedral was ‘dim’; sensing that I needed to invest more joy, tolerance, light, etc., in the moment.
Speaking out loud (within) about my love for/as a friend… Sensing on the boat (going back to Jenaro Herrera) that I wish a confidant, a plutonic relationship… The intuition that sex isn’t the form to begin with.
Insights or reminders of the drama within the feminine that ‘I’ often attract; how not to be a subconscious ‘player’, i.e., to be used by the feminine and masculine (Nature) thirsts for needing, security, wanting, drama, wishes for ‘Dolls’, archetypal role playing, etc. (The masculine in relation to the woman approaching this would has its own ‘play’ as well.) How to exchange heart-spaces without debts, expectations, attachment or dependence.
Going Home
It was around 12:30AM when we started down the hillside with the cushions, chairs, misc. supplies, to load the boat and head home.
The spray of the water inside the boat while speeding through the water at night was incredible!
We were all still experiencing the yage-dimension while boating back to Jenaro Herrera.
Notes: A friend mentioning that he was seeing ‘warning faces-signs’ in the trees as we sped by the river’s shoreline, seeming to say ‘Enter this place at your own risk.’
I felt that we’d most likely see what we project (?) Looking at the shoreline I saw that the tree-canopies looked like huge monolithic faces, like those of Easter Island’s ‘gods/deities’.
While boating on the water, I felt that it was like skating/ being on an ice barge sliding across a pond; traveling on the sky. And while looking at the water when standing up on the hillside, I had the sense that we were under it and that the river’s bottom was the ‘sky.’
After we docked, while walking back, we stopped outside Alberto’s house (Luco’s previous shaman-tutor/mentor) to listen to his ceremony occurring; beautifully strong and the sensation that they were deep in the spirit dimension…
When we were close to reaching the Main House, a dog came up to me, after I called it, and put its two paws on my right arm; holding them there it walked beside me for some time, on two legs, joyful, incredible…
The walk to the river after ceremony and seeing the little baby animal running up the footpath (type?).
Laying underwater, feeling the river running through me and out of my toes/feet as if I were hollow at each end!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Ceremony 12
September 29, 2009
Slow Down
Towards the end of Ceremony 11, Ayahuasca mentioned to me that she would teach me something about ‘The Arts’ and did. I would say that this ceremony, overall (so far), has been the most significant one to date in overall effect upon my way of inner life. The impact of this session was mind boggling and took on an emotional feeling of a personal-world dissection.
Early on in this ceremony I experienced a multitude of back to back images appearing to my inner vision, radiant motifs; they were of me laying down in a position similar to a mummy pose, surrounded by bright, metallic-built mandala-outlines of various alloys and configurations, taking off into deep space/sky; I was outfitted, carrying these ‘frames’ with me, disappearing into the vanishing point. Many different modalities of design, incredibly beautiful to behold… No information followed these images, they’d simply manifest, like blossoming species of flowers and then start traveling away from sight, as if caught up in a kind of cosmic, invisible undertow…
At the start of the ceremony, while sitting down, I danced deeper than I have ever before; making serpentine gestures with my hands and arms, swaying with my torso, reaching towards the sky, being played like an instrument by the Icaros and surrendering to the Shaman’s singing…
Beginnings
The purge began, as I saw hanging over me, a plush/lush ‘Ceiling of Purge’, i.e., lush bulging, emerald green fabric or a sort of living-upholstery, with a central symbol (?) Possibly symbolizing Sanango? It also had, spaced apart like a leather chair, deeply set buttons, fastening the ’fabric’ down in places, creating concavities and convexes. I lay there, experiencing the profound intelligence of the purge, the absolute ‘fact’ of its inevitability. To surrender to the purge, however its form unfolds, is always a deeply humbling process and usually marks the beginning of those primary lessons that Yage plans to teach.
This night’s most profound revelation showed itself throughout several deep, long drawn out stages of contemplation, examples, inhales, exhales, times of introspection and inspection by Yage‘s teaching and my watching/feeling those lessons. It began with Ayahuasca creating a sort of ’sign’ or ’Icon of Warning’ for my inner eye to behold, like a huge street sign on ‘the path’ in Space. Additionally there appeared a verbal message, one that said, ‘This is a warning!’ to my mind’s ear. This warning was immense for my conscience to take in all at once, and without reservations; it felt like a cosmic sized caution beacon sounding out, into my personal landscape, one that seemed to gain precedence immediately… This lesson arrived fully prepared!
With the caution-icon in my mind‘s eye, I looked at it, this appeared to be a picture of me as a sort of flat, geometric, sharp edged predator, spread out on a little building’s roof top, looking out over ’territory’. The bodily sensation and emotional perception was that I lounged there as a predator and a sort of ‘prostitute’; while this icon’s definition continued to unfold in a most unexpected way…
I could feel that danger was on its way innately, that it was inevitable that something tragic would occur by the default position within this creature’s design itself… Ayahuasca did not let this anonymousness linger and told me to, ’Stop being a prostitute of poetry.’ (I felt that this was also in reference to the amount of writings I had been publishing on the internet and my past relationship to this production status compared to others.)
With reference to writing poetry, I was told to ‘Make more love and less sex, foreplay, etc.’ These messages created ‘earthquakes’, it felt like an inner-Earth was cracking apart, shattering slowly… It quickly, timelessly, encompassed all of my writing history and filtered it through the purging process, leeching it of an aspect of my self, my incarnation, that I never knew was symbolized in my writings…
The main focus was around not setting traps so to get attention, slowing down, considering deeper intentions within myself, i.e., what’s coming through the medium, (being more deliberate), to consider the sensual-realm and what’s behind it, to go back to writings and feel what is being ’woven.’ How it is worn by the reader and what ’kind’ of suit is it for the eyes to read-onto itself?
While I was reeling, experiencing utter astonishment and mixed up feelings with this prostitution-revelation, I brought calm to myself once I made a solemn promise to Yage and myself to do something about it, to make a fundamental change of habit. Again, I recalled the immense danger that was exuding around the edges of this ’warning-icon’ that had stood in front of me and felt the message, ’No more entertainment.’ arrive…
Into this section of the ceremony, I remember saying out loud in reference to the ‘art lesson’ that, ‘I do not want to excite or ’play’ with people’s five senses, buttons, etc. To make more love, less sex…’ ‘To slow down and invest deeper in how I give to others through writing, the subconscious and unconscious agendas, driving forces, muses, etc. I experienced the visualization of entering a coffee house (once I had gotten back to California), being open and sharing, performing a poetry reading amongst others…
Additions
While sitting with others in the ceremony house, after the main portion of the ceremony-purge was over, I had the revelation that I’ve been living in a Mandala of Control most of my life.
Within the ceremony happenings, the vocal message from Ayahuasca arrived and said for me to, “Get your contractor’s license and build beautiful things for people and I will do the rest.”
There was also another sexual healing that took place during the ceremony; ‘healing’ so far as my intuiting a sense of sexual discipline concerning past and future relationships with others, with myself and my relationship to my body, i.e., the sensation of the holiness of my original body (innocence) and how to maintain that/this process of sexual healing and expression.
Blazing White Cathedral
During this time of Ayahuasca’s lesson about poetry, there occurred an incredible image/event: within me I could suddenly see a glowing white mini-cathedral, architecture that reminds me of Colonial or Victorian era structures, not ancient/gothic…
Ayahuasca had set up in me, a pure white building and told me that she now lived inside me and to take care of her…
Yage had been speaking to me throughout this night. Note: The actual quote was, “I am now living inside you, take care of my home.” The phrase, ‘Quality, not quantity‘ came to me also…
Ceremony House
Notes: (while in the ceremony house) Going back to the C.H. and talking, coming up with the nickname of ‘4-Pack’ for the group of apprentices; laughter, the sensation of being very individual and ancient, individual souls…
We are our own heroes. Jeff’s discussion about Astrology and my inner/outer humorous points about how soul embarrassing it was that I’ve not been to Hawaii, being that I’ve lived in California for sixteen years…
To love my father without trying to convince him.
How amazing it was for us all to be pregnant with talents, disciplines, careers, etc. The sensation of being a teenage soul-student in school. The arrival of the dove-totem qualities, i.e., Ayahuasca‘s advice to ‘slow down’. And she said during the ceremony to, “Never try to run away from me.”
Seeing some-thing dart across the floor and the door making a sound, as if a gust-tunnel of wind had passed through it; this ’thing’ seemed to have the face of a Chinese dragon; joking that it was Paul’s pet and that he ought to have it on a leach…
Lesson Notes: One apprentice’s story of seemingly controlling the weather that night with intermittent light bursts via his chest/sternum… Paul’s lesson concerning those who get trapped in the ’entertainment’ of Yage, i.e., the spectacular visuals, meeting the archetypes, etc. Taylor’s lesson in love, i.e., being shown herself as the answer to love’s questions; no object and no destination.
Later into the week I wrote in the margin of this ceremony record, ‘Doubt in people has been one of my oldest inheritances, which equals a mirroring of doubt in oneself. Undefined self, through lack of parents early on, their unfixed roles, etc. (?)’
Being on a drug called ’human’. Yage = Humility pill.
In and Out of the Hammock
Prior to returning to the C.H., I went to take a shower and lay in the hammock by myself, I needed some personal time to spend with the night‘s colossal revelation concerning my writings; I was still experiencing the deep workings of Yage and Sanango, purging energies through shaking and yawning, getting up and down to go to the bathroom to dry heave, etc., and seeing/being through the Yage-vision/experiential field…
While in the Main House
Dry heaving a little and while on the toilet, I purged my (the last of) father’s invested frustrations in me. I purged wishing ill-will towards Anne; this surprised me to say the least, since it’s not something I do consciously or even subconsciously; I feel that it was an old ‘echo’, possibly left over from the previous Ceremony 11 (?).
While kneeling at the toilet, trying to purge, smelling it, seeing certain ‘toilet-details’ and looking at it from the perspective of the ayahuasca state of consciousness, I purged and then it happened, a message came to me for my mother, concerning her care-taking of her partner/husband, i.e., that, “You do not need to be ashamed of what you do/did, your work is holy work.” I sensed that I had purged the shame she felt while in my company for this role she has played; purging for her.
Giving thanks to Jeff for his ’reminder of courage’ when the silent barking dogs came to visit me in a vision while in the hammock; I sense that ’they’ were a pictorial representation of the purge-material being ‘developed’ through Yage and myself for exiting…
Touching my skin and looking at my body as though I have never been completely in it.
Quiet cosmos-love, to be careful with love.
Allot of Shipibo designs. Going to the river and a message to give to Taylor, “I am my Home.” “I am here, here is…”
Weavers of Time
While still by myself in the hammock, I had the meditation of existing as a timeless being looking at an aging tapestry (To be the weaver and not only the beholder.) The revelation that ‘we are the weavers of time‘, weavers of the time we‘re spending day to day.
For an instance, I traveled deep within the Earth with no sense of destination…
Experienced a vision of a massive city on another planet, a city/metropolis of smiling people.
Laying there, I did deep tissue massage on myself, my hands going intuitively to my intestines; going deep within to massage out my mother’s purge of shame; inner x-ray vision of the blockages’ pin-point position, i.e., a golden glowing dot that finally disappeared with massage and pressing, holding my finger there… It seemed that Yage was controlling my hand and forcing a dry heave session…
Revealing through purging, old information, reconciling and delivering wisdom from the past…
Watching the atoms/molecular symbols changing on the surface of my skin; these were being purged by Sanango, skulls changing into white, jewel-like octagons; looking up as a being of the Universe, formable and formless: not the determiner of here.
A message to “Be softer.” came to me prior to the middle of my chest-chakra opening…
An idea came to me that we, as souls, pass through all the planets of the solar system, to live as their beings, wearing their plant-clothes, experiencing their ways, laws, etc.
What would specifically occur in the early morning hours in that hammock began Chapter 2 in being one of the most significant visceral/actual changes to occur to me during a ceremony… Note: the writings/records below are not in any particular order, although I will try to list them as they occurred.
Lotus Landings
The realization that my consciousness outlines this body containing a galaxy; seeing, sensing, being only this context, point of reference without content. Seeing allot of jewels, possibly semi-precious jewels too.
Seeing into my palm, sensing that there was/is a cosmos within me. Being in the hammock, and dazzled by being inside a flower blossom-ball. Struggling with the dark energies gathering in ‘The Cauldron’. Sanango working deep to release the ‘skulls of the epidermis’: my veins are her roots.
The opening of the sternum chakra: prior to the lotus coming down into my belly, I experienced an intuition to outline in the air above me, several times, a larger one emerging from my torso.
After outlining this larger, closed lotus shape, I cupped my hands in the shape of a small, closed lotus and sat it on my belly, suddenly I felt something descending from above and
an ethereal lotus landed in my belly and opened up; I felt strong vibrations start at the back of my neck, where the vertebra go into the skull, this intense quivering went on for about 20-30 seconds; then I felt a focusing occur internally, in my head, at the center of my vision, I felt something peeling away from my third eye, like a snake shedding a skin-lens or a cataract being peeled away from the retina…
My presence went ahead of my body a little and stayed out in front of me, invested in that opened/revealed point for what seemed to be 3-4 minutes… A series of thoughts concerning the third eye came to me; that the third eye has no meaning, that human ego adds significance and definition; it is as natural to the soul as it is for a solar system to have a sun, it simply ’is’.
I recall looking up at the ceiling (possibly prior to this event) and experiencing electronic sprinkles falling into my eyes from above.
New People
Laying there, closing my eyes, I had the vision of being a soul dreaming or at least visualizing/experiencing a sort of automatic blossoming of a civilization birthing itself from my particular consciousness… A town appeared and qualities of its culture began arising as a ’birth’ populace via my ’one’ consciousness… Seeing the markets materializing, the rice bags stacking up, arriving from the invisible to the visible, people appearing, their qualities imprinted from my original intents, meditations, etc., their interests, values, morals, culture, etc., being born within via my inner development, will, love, attention and considerations…
Towards the end of the Morning
The broad and deep embrace of Luco’s son Hulcker, and the other helper on the boat, Kenney. A thought concerning my father/men, that we’re all little boys.
Jeff and Paul both, unknowingly wearing winged symbols on their shirts that morning, symbols that were above the sternum areas… Lots of smiling and expansiveness…
Luco came into the main dining area and looked at me, asking, “Happy?” I thought/felt, ’He knows!’ (no surprise)
To smile and be clear of incoming commentary.
Slow Down
Towards the end of Ceremony 11, Ayahuasca mentioned to me that she would teach me something about ‘The Arts’ and did. I would say that this ceremony, overall (so far), has been the most significant one to date in overall effect upon my way of inner life. The impact of this session was mind boggling and took on an emotional feeling of a personal-world dissection.
Early on in this ceremony I experienced a multitude of back to back images appearing to my inner vision, radiant motifs; they were of me laying down in a position similar to a mummy pose, surrounded by bright, metallic-built mandala-outlines of various alloys and configurations, taking off into deep space/sky; I was outfitted, carrying these ‘frames’ with me, disappearing into the vanishing point. Many different modalities of design, incredibly beautiful to behold… No information followed these images, they’d simply manifest, like blossoming species of flowers and then start traveling away from sight, as if caught up in a kind of cosmic, invisible undertow…
At the start of the ceremony, while sitting down, I danced deeper than I have ever before; making serpentine gestures with my hands and arms, swaying with my torso, reaching towards the sky, being played like an instrument by the Icaros and surrendering to the Shaman’s singing…
Beginnings
The purge began, as I saw hanging over me, a plush/lush ‘Ceiling of Purge’, i.e., lush bulging, emerald green fabric or a sort of living-upholstery, with a central symbol (?) Possibly symbolizing Sanango? It also had, spaced apart like a leather chair, deeply set buttons, fastening the ’fabric’ down in places, creating concavities and convexes. I lay there, experiencing the profound intelligence of the purge, the absolute ‘fact’ of its inevitability. To surrender to the purge, however its form unfolds, is always a deeply humbling process and usually marks the beginning of those primary lessons that Yage plans to teach.
This night’s most profound revelation showed itself throughout several deep, long drawn out stages of contemplation, examples, inhales, exhales, times of introspection and inspection by Yage‘s teaching and my watching/feeling those lessons. It began with Ayahuasca creating a sort of ’sign’ or ’Icon of Warning’ for my inner eye to behold, like a huge street sign on ‘the path’ in Space. Additionally there appeared a verbal message, one that said, ‘This is a warning!’ to my mind’s ear. This warning was immense for my conscience to take in all at once, and without reservations; it felt like a cosmic sized caution beacon sounding out, into my personal landscape, one that seemed to gain precedence immediately… This lesson arrived fully prepared!
With the caution-icon in my mind‘s eye, I looked at it, this appeared to be a picture of me as a sort of flat, geometric, sharp edged predator, spread out on a little building’s roof top, looking out over ’territory’. The bodily sensation and emotional perception was that I lounged there as a predator and a sort of ‘prostitute’; while this icon’s definition continued to unfold in a most unexpected way…
I could feel that danger was on its way innately, that it was inevitable that something tragic would occur by the default position within this creature’s design itself… Ayahuasca did not let this anonymousness linger and told me to, ’Stop being a prostitute of poetry.’ (I felt that this was also in reference to the amount of writings I had been publishing on the internet and my past relationship to this production status compared to others.)
With reference to writing poetry, I was told to ‘Make more love and less sex, foreplay, etc.’ These messages created ‘earthquakes’, it felt like an inner-Earth was cracking apart, shattering slowly… It quickly, timelessly, encompassed all of my writing history and filtered it through the purging process, leeching it of an aspect of my self, my incarnation, that I never knew was symbolized in my writings…
The main focus was around not setting traps so to get attention, slowing down, considering deeper intentions within myself, i.e., what’s coming through the medium, (being more deliberate), to consider the sensual-realm and what’s behind it, to go back to writings and feel what is being ’woven.’ How it is worn by the reader and what ’kind’ of suit is it for the eyes to read-onto itself?
While I was reeling, experiencing utter astonishment and mixed up feelings with this prostitution-revelation, I brought calm to myself once I made a solemn promise to Yage and myself to do something about it, to make a fundamental change of habit. Again, I recalled the immense danger that was exuding around the edges of this ’warning-icon’ that had stood in front of me and felt the message, ’No more entertainment.’ arrive…
Into this section of the ceremony, I remember saying out loud in reference to the ‘art lesson’ that, ‘I do not want to excite or ’play’ with people’s five senses, buttons, etc. To make more love, less sex…’ ‘To slow down and invest deeper in how I give to others through writing, the subconscious and unconscious agendas, driving forces, muses, etc. I experienced the visualization of entering a coffee house (once I had gotten back to California), being open and sharing, performing a poetry reading amongst others…
Additions
While sitting with others in the ceremony house, after the main portion of the ceremony-purge was over, I had the revelation that I’ve been living in a Mandala of Control most of my life.
Within the ceremony happenings, the vocal message from Ayahuasca arrived and said for me to, “Get your contractor’s license and build beautiful things for people and I will do the rest.”
There was also another sexual healing that took place during the ceremony; ‘healing’ so far as my intuiting a sense of sexual discipline concerning past and future relationships with others, with myself and my relationship to my body, i.e., the sensation of the holiness of my original body (innocence) and how to maintain that/this process of sexual healing and expression.
Blazing White Cathedral
During this time of Ayahuasca’s lesson about poetry, there occurred an incredible image/event: within me I could suddenly see a glowing white mini-cathedral, architecture that reminds me of Colonial or Victorian era structures, not ancient/gothic…
Ayahuasca had set up in me, a pure white building and told me that she now lived inside me and to take care of her…
Yage had been speaking to me throughout this night. Note: The actual quote was, “I am now living inside you, take care of my home.” The phrase, ‘Quality, not quantity‘ came to me also…
Ceremony House
Notes: (while in the ceremony house) Going back to the C.H. and talking, coming up with the nickname of ‘4-Pack’ for the group of apprentices; laughter, the sensation of being very individual and ancient, individual souls…
We are our own heroes. Jeff’s discussion about Astrology and my inner/outer humorous points about how soul embarrassing it was that I’ve not been to Hawaii, being that I’ve lived in California for sixteen years…
To love my father without trying to convince him.
How amazing it was for us all to be pregnant with talents, disciplines, careers, etc. The sensation of being a teenage soul-student in school. The arrival of the dove-totem qualities, i.e., Ayahuasca‘s advice to ‘slow down’. And she said during the ceremony to, “Never try to run away from me.”
Seeing some-thing dart across the floor and the door making a sound, as if a gust-tunnel of wind had passed through it; this ’thing’ seemed to have the face of a Chinese dragon; joking that it was Paul’s pet and that he ought to have it on a leach…
Lesson Notes: One apprentice’s story of seemingly controlling the weather that night with intermittent light bursts via his chest/sternum… Paul’s lesson concerning those who get trapped in the ’entertainment’ of Yage, i.e., the spectacular visuals, meeting the archetypes, etc. Taylor’s lesson in love, i.e., being shown herself as the answer to love’s questions; no object and no destination.
Later into the week I wrote in the margin of this ceremony record, ‘Doubt in people has been one of my oldest inheritances, which equals a mirroring of doubt in oneself. Undefined self, through lack of parents early on, their unfixed roles, etc. (?)’
Being on a drug called ’human’. Yage = Humility pill.
In and Out of the Hammock
Prior to returning to the C.H., I went to take a shower and lay in the hammock by myself, I needed some personal time to spend with the night‘s colossal revelation concerning my writings; I was still experiencing the deep workings of Yage and Sanango, purging energies through shaking and yawning, getting up and down to go to the bathroom to dry heave, etc., and seeing/being through the Yage-vision/experiential field…
While in the Main House
Dry heaving a little and while on the toilet, I purged my (the last of) father’s invested frustrations in me. I purged wishing ill-will towards Anne; this surprised me to say the least, since it’s not something I do consciously or even subconsciously; I feel that it was an old ‘echo’, possibly left over from the previous Ceremony 11 (?).
While kneeling at the toilet, trying to purge, smelling it, seeing certain ‘toilet-details’ and looking at it from the perspective of the ayahuasca state of consciousness, I purged and then it happened, a message came to me for my mother, concerning her care-taking of her partner/husband, i.e., that, “You do not need to be ashamed of what you do/did, your work is holy work.” I sensed that I had purged the shame she felt while in my company for this role she has played; purging for her.
Giving thanks to Jeff for his ’reminder of courage’ when the silent barking dogs came to visit me in a vision while in the hammock; I sense that ’they’ were a pictorial representation of the purge-material being ‘developed’ through Yage and myself for exiting…
Touching my skin and looking at my body as though I have never been completely in it.
Quiet cosmos-love, to be careful with love.
Allot of Shipibo designs. Going to the river and a message to give to Taylor, “I am my Home.” “I am here, here is…”
Weavers of Time
While still by myself in the hammock, I had the meditation of existing as a timeless being looking at an aging tapestry (To be the weaver and not only the beholder.) The revelation that ‘we are the weavers of time‘, weavers of the time we‘re spending day to day.
For an instance, I traveled deep within the Earth with no sense of destination…
Experienced a vision of a massive city on another planet, a city/metropolis of smiling people.
Laying there, I did deep tissue massage on myself, my hands going intuitively to my intestines; going deep within to massage out my mother’s purge of shame; inner x-ray vision of the blockages’ pin-point position, i.e., a golden glowing dot that finally disappeared with massage and pressing, holding my finger there… It seemed that Yage was controlling my hand and forcing a dry heave session…
Revealing through purging, old information, reconciling and delivering wisdom from the past…
Watching the atoms/molecular symbols changing on the surface of my skin; these were being purged by Sanango, skulls changing into white, jewel-like octagons; looking up as a being of the Universe, formable and formless: not the determiner of here.
A message to “Be softer.” came to me prior to the middle of my chest-chakra opening…
An idea came to me that we, as souls, pass through all the planets of the solar system, to live as their beings, wearing their plant-clothes, experiencing their ways, laws, etc.
What would specifically occur in the early morning hours in that hammock began Chapter 2 in being one of the most significant visceral/actual changes to occur to me during a ceremony… Note: the writings/records below are not in any particular order, although I will try to list them as they occurred.
Lotus Landings
The realization that my consciousness outlines this body containing a galaxy; seeing, sensing, being only this context, point of reference without content. Seeing allot of jewels, possibly semi-precious jewels too.
Seeing into my palm, sensing that there was/is a cosmos within me. Being in the hammock, and dazzled by being inside a flower blossom-ball. Struggling with the dark energies gathering in ‘The Cauldron’. Sanango working deep to release the ‘skulls of the epidermis’: my veins are her roots.
The opening of the sternum chakra: prior to the lotus coming down into my belly, I experienced an intuition to outline in the air above me, several times, a larger one emerging from my torso.
After outlining this larger, closed lotus shape, I cupped my hands in the shape of a small, closed lotus and sat it on my belly, suddenly I felt something descending from above and
an ethereal lotus landed in my belly and opened up; I felt strong vibrations start at the back of my neck, where the vertebra go into the skull, this intense quivering went on for about 20-30 seconds; then I felt a focusing occur internally, in my head, at the center of my vision, I felt something peeling away from my third eye, like a snake shedding a skin-lens or a cataract being peeled away from the retina…
My presence went ahead of my body a little and stayed out in front of me, invested in that opened/revealed point for what seemed to be 3-4 minutes… A series of thoughts concerning the third eye came to me; that the third eye has no meaning, that human ego adds significance and definition; it is as natural to the soul as it is for a solar system to have a sun, it simply ’is’.
I recall looking up at the ceiling (possibly prior to this event) and experiencing electronic sprinkles falling into my eyes from above.
New People
Laying there, closing my eyes, I had the vision of being a soul dreaming or at least visualizing/experiencing a sort of automatic blossoming of a civilization birthing itself from my particular consciousness… A town appeared and qualities of its culture began arising as a ’birth’ populace via my ’one’ consciousness… Seeing the markets materializing, the rice bags stacking up, arriving from the invisible to the visible, people appearing, their qualities imprinted from my original intents, meditations, etc., their interests, values, morals, culture, etc., being born within via my inner development, will, love, attention and considerations…
Towards the end of the Morning
The broad and deep embrace of Luco’s son Hulcker, and the other helper on the boat, Kenney. A thought concerning my father/men, that we’re all little boys.
Jeff and Paul both, unknowingly wearing winged symbols on their shirts that morning, symbols that were above the sternum areas… Lots of smiling and expansiveness…
Luco came into the main dining area and looked at me, asking, “Happy?” I thought/felt, ’He knows!’ (no surprise)
To smile and be clear of incoming commentary.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Ceremony 11
September 28, 2009
The Show is Over.
Responding to Jeff’s question earlier in the day as to how I was doing, I said that I was experiencing allot of hypocritical ‘visions’ of myself, contradictions, deep humbling portraits of opposite-being and feeling a little mixed up, wandering in a quiet wasteland of cerebral ‘bells and whistles.’ I went into the ceremony with a very positive attitude, concentrating on wishing to continue further with the ’mermaid travel-scene’ (If it was mermaids leading me underwater?) For the most part I did not have any aims other than those of being very open to the medicine’s will.
After drinking the Yage, I noticed that there was a piece of plastic bristle at the bottom of my cup; when I looked at it, turning my attention elsewhere within a second of drinking the tea, I observed that the change of attention to the bristle took the after taste away immediately… I’ll experiment tonight with reading a small verse right after downing the dose or looking at a picture… (I did not do this after all: I’ll experiment.) The tea went down much different than the other night, smoother… The ‘effects’ set in deep, wasting no time, the Sanango went to the terminations of my body and stayed there intensely: Sanango worked especially deep into my hands and wrists… There were points where it was nearly unbearable and I was broken down little by little to surrender to the ’hands’ of Yage & Sanango; the sense of surrendering my cellular, molecular, and electric albums to another intelligence is incredible!
I lay on my mat for awhile, not really knowing what was surfacing (I rarely do); it is like waiting in the dark of a stranger’s house for the lights to come back on, since we rarely know where or how to navigate the unconscious realms of emotions as they are uncovered by a consciousness bridged by a sentient being’s will to teach, love and transform…
I am writing this late in the day since I went to the river twice and then we traveled to the jungle by boat to hike a little in the morning: I asked Luco if he’d make me a Punga Negra tea and he agreed; we gathered the bark and I’ll try to have this during the first week of October.
As the Shipibo designs set in to matrix-weave themselves across my entire vision field, a voice came to me and said that I would be purging all the women that I have ever hurt in my life; I could feel the medicine ’brewing’ in my stomach, intestines and bowels; I could feel the density of the concentrations, as if the energies were being drawn there, accumulated/rounded up so to expel at an undisclosed time, a soul-septic-tank-scheduled-geyser.
An incredible event occurred in that, as my joy was stable for the most part, it went out once, and as dark energies/feelings crept in a little, a voice came to me and said, “Let me light that for you.” And Yage lit it again; it seemed a little humorous that while in the hands of Ayahuasca that such a strong aspect, that has been deeply with me lately, could be wisp out with the quick turn of her shawl.
The introduction tonight was light hearted, though once she began repeating that “The show is over.” and the medicine(s) was simultaneously digging deeper into revealing my hidden away, forgotten ’businesses’, the tempo changed drastically; I found myself on the precipice of seeing geometric Shipibo designs one moment and overlays of skulls the next.
Later into this process a sort of mini-tower-shrine of Malignant Force showed up in the middle of the ceremony room; I was in the midst of a sort of dual dimensional representation of opposing forces, the presence of sin and degradation, pain and selfishness, perversion and ill ways (and) healing… There were no ’wars’ taking place between the two, only extraordinary presence of meaning and objective impression via what these forces represented in me and how this temple had accumulated my ’worship’ and ’craftsmanship’ throughout my life.
A dark netting seemed to fall around me, although internally Ayahuasca was speaking calmly to me throughout the entire process, which lasted from about 10:30 AM to 2:00 AM… She would tell me when purges were coming, what, who they were and when I would be free to go, etc.
The intense dry heaving of air/gas from my stomach went on in stages: there were about 3-4 distinct moments where each session stood for an era of my life; one was for Laura (my second wife), another for my father, one for 3-4 people that I had hurt or used as a sounding board to advertise myself in some way, one for Vanessa (an old friend of mine from my graduate-teaching days at Tulane)… There was a very deep one (and possibly the last of this night) for Anne (my first love and who I spoke of earlier of having an abortion via our having been together in Louisiana.)
My mind/beingness was filled with shame, humiliation, deep grief, surprise, enlightenment, awe, and exhaustion, as the onslaught continued… Purging physically, psychically, emotionally and via a physical, visceral dance of squirming through the Sanango convulsions and tastes/sensations from the Yage stomach-gruel bubbling…
Ayahuasca would repeat throughout the night, 10-15 times, that ‘The show is over.’, transmitting to me the contents of this ’show’, i.e., arguing, righteousness, indignation, comparison, disbelief of others, inner criticism of their un-finished-nesses, unfaithfulness to lessons circulating within me (hypocrisies), retracting due to expectations of mine not being met by others, (setting up expectations that they’d never be able to prepare for in the first place), ridgedness, stubbornness, firmness, criticism, judgment, contradiction, preaching (advice set up to bring doubt-of-self upon another), and subconsciously reinforcing a trauma environment in me… (Acting through the celebration of pain. Being a ‘someone’ who is on the lookout for that which is wrong or doesn’t have enough of ’me’ in it… ‘Peeing‘, marking that which doesn’t fit the mold of ego; trauma mannequins, trauma ventriloquisms and a feeling of an insatiable need to get under people’s skin…)
As I was vigorously dry heaving, names would appear in my mind’s ’ear’, I would hear a name or series of names, and then dry heave the dark energies inherited from having hurt these people, regardless of their having consciously known of it. At one point I recall seeing a spider and other dark shapes come out of me in reference to Vanessa (I vaguely felt as though she’d cast ‘those’ in me or they simply ’were’ from her private relation to me at the time of our association (and) partially in pre-sent time too. (?))
Once the ’material’ was heaved out, ‘the story’ would be revealed to my consciousness and then hit my unsuspecting conscience-landscape next… Waves of shame and remorse would splash over me; there were times when I dry-cried and simply sat up with my head in my hands, watching the inner images appear and disappear…
For awhile I thought I’d descend into Hades again, though I was kept at a sort of doorway-point, purging on the entry way to hell…
There was a time when I distinctly ’felt’ the image of me face first on the bare ground and Ayahuasca’s walking stick being set down on the center of my back firmly (tough love squared), pinning me on the earth to further soak in the message that ’The show is over.’
During this time Ayahuasca came to my right ear and whispered, “I am not a whore or a bitch, I am all the feminine of the world.”
Visions of mainly skulls and the mood of a death-chamber or ‘bedroom of ill deeds done’ populated my conscious state while my joy integrated deeper into my presence amongst these forces: Something changed on this night, a deeper fusion occurred where the joy became ‘woven in’ rather than a living ornament/piece out in front of me… I cannot completely describe it now, only that I emerged as pure consciousness with the thread of joy faintly radiating in my ’skin’, i.e., my human-coat-ing.)
I had an experience of trying to manage the onslaught of purging sins and insults, where Ayahuasca said, “Do not try to control this.” I briefly spread a blanket of hearts over me and she wiped this away: I felt she was telling me that I could not protect myself from that which was not coming down into me, but rather ‘out of myself’. The sense of not being able to control the purge, timing, etc., was overwhelming; I surrendered as the Sanango cast my feet into ‘concrete shoes’, while my hands were two flopping fish on a shore…
One of the apprentices was stationed next to me and experiencing a death-journey: both of us seemed to be on the left and right sides of Yage standing in the middle.
At the end of one session of purges (late into the process), Yage told me that I was ‘free to go,’ meaning that ‘it’ was over and I could get up, pull myself together a little, etc. (i.e., that the healing was over, for now.)
Spirit shift
I sat up and experienced a sudden huge revelation that I am a soul, made of what the Universe is: nameless, placeless, a vast HERE. I envisioned myself as a stellar-dust-being who had inhabited the human-body-plant and who, in turn, had accumulated a certain ’kind of plant’ due to the soil I was planted in throughout my life.
I reintegrated into my body in such a way, that I can honestly say, that I will never be the same again: the merging was so delicate, so wisely orchestrated between cosmic-consciousness (a state of being a presence, a cell of the Universe), Remorse of Consceince and the will to be a better man-kind, that I am forever changed.
Today I have already verified that what worked for ’me’ two days ago in conversation and negotiations with people, does not and cannot work today, hands down, I am not who I was yesterday… I mean this ’not working’ in the most positive sense, that it is a regenerative aspect at work…
There was a time in the night where something came to me (an angel?) and communicated to me that I needed to open my heart; I recall seeing a glowing red chakra design/mandala innerly, though am not familiar with these enough to say which that it was (?)
The voice was speaking and emitting a message intuitively, that I was a cell in God’s heart… The incredible awe, shame in realizing how I had missed this for so many years, hit me hard, brutally… I recall having visions of crying tears of gemstones and geometric objects; my heart-field expanded and it seemed that my consciousness went outside the Earth’s atmosphere for awhile to gather some relative sense of this ’fact’ that I was a heart-cell of God’s…
Beauty too much
On and on, this process rolled… At some point I was sitting in my ceremony rocking chair (a rebar-framed chair, woven throughout with nylon webbing) when a mandala appeared in my lap, I looked down as that fully integrated cosmic-being and beheld it; I had to turn away, it was nearly too much…
I remember looking out of the Ceremony window, at a star, and seeing its electronic footprint/sky print, the waves emitting through the atmosphere/void surrounding it: Time stood completely still as I stood completely me; heart beating, blood flowing, heart weeping and my blood totally owned by sentient plant spirits. The star was a sort of jeweled spider at the center of its predator-less web…
The human plant
For the first time, I distinctly felt that these plant spirits were transforming my body back to some ’origin’, that, along with my will to change and regain consciousness over my innocence, that they were helping me exit History, so to simply be as I am; yet this doesn’t encapsulate the process, since it was the epitome of being very unknown, open ended and seemingly unstable… I cannot bring the ’right’ words to this now…
Also, the sensation that I myself or pure presence belonged or was somehow connected to these sentient beings as a sentient being myself, wearing a human plant, was utterly profound: It is difficult to describe how my/the shift of consciousness occurred, it was so utterly new, that I simply sat and became something else; more of a sameness, though void of intellectual content, non-informational…
Free to go to him
As I got up, (after Yage had told me previously that I was free to go, I believe, for a second time), I sat down again in the rocker and suddenly a voice came to me and an innate knowing: it felt, that buried beneath the collective pain that I’ve caused the feminine, there ‘rested’ a spirit-child; it was a ’he’ and I sensed that it was the son Anne and I had initially created: he said, “Keep me happy Daddy.” Something like that, a phrase akin to this…
The magnitude of this surprise literally brought me to my knees: I softly clutched my abdomen area and kept saying, “You’re in me, you’re in me.” The sensation was so sure, so purely there; no words were mentioned… The feeling that he had been growing up inside me was incredible, while the statement Meher Baba made when someone asked him if he had meet or how was his deceased brother/(uncle?), i.e., he answered “He lives in me.” came to me, merging with my actualized experience…
I found myself going to the floor, magnetically called, nearly commanded to kneel down and pay homage to the process of repenting, holy reconciliation and total conscious responsibility for my past actions… Ayahuasca would later tell me that I was not ready to meet the mermaids and did not answer my question concerning apprenticing as a willingness to become an administer of the medicine, though did tell me that she’d teach me some ’Arts’ in the next ceremony (?)
I got up and felt that I had to really take a shower and did so; while after the shower, drying off in the stall, I felt that something was trying to get inside me/my body; I spoke out loud, saying that it could not get in because I had ingested Ayahuasca, was in possession of my joy-state, etc. I suddenly felt the presence of my former ‘spiritual’ teacher of thirteen years, who I had decided could no longer serve as this role due to a corruption of his leadership, etc. As I slipped my feet into my loafers to go, I saw a film of red stars, diamond shapes and possibly white spheres, appear on them briefly; the sense of the fairy world passed me by for a moment…
More to come
I wanted to go back to the energy of the Ceremony House, so I made my way there; while sitting down, the medicine was still working deep and I suddenly realized that something dark was in the room, i.e., shade-residues that had been drawn out by the medicine. I could perceive that by rattling the leaf fan, Luco seemed to be brushing these energies apart and away (dissolving, releasing the tensions, etc.)
The apprentice next to me was having a very difficult journey: Luco’s incredible love and endurance was amazing. He performed nearly an hour long ventiata (a healing chant or series of chants) over her. Later I’d go to be with her in the ceremony house and walk to the river a second time for her final cleansing.
At some moment in the night, I thought that my/the totems would arrive from above the ceremony house, though nothing occurred; I conjured the dove and tiger; not a stir…
I did briefly see into a fantastic world where there was pictured what may have been the Headless Giant, i.e, one of the tree-spirits we used in the last brewing we did, we’re on our second batch.
A second visit
Through this second visit to the ceremony house, I began to purge again; I believe it was at this time that I purged my father’s dark energies ’invested’ in me… It was a big surprise that there was another chapter to this profound read!
Prior to this (after the shower), I had the very pressing inner order to get rid (put in the laundry right away) of all clothing and blankets that had been on my body throughout the night, so I gathered it all up in wash tubs: It felt as though I had shed an epidermis or ’thin atomic skin’ of some sort…
I recall being able to view the atoms in my hands, the molecular world within/of them, i.e., seeing through my hands to the other side…
Throughout this ceremony-teaching, I reconciled, somewhat subconsciously or serendipitously, the aversions I was feeling for certain members of our current group: Through this awesome shift, I have come to a place of understanding human expressions ’abstractly’, i.e., how they are subconsciously connected to the song and themes/plots/life-styles of traumas and stuck energies…
It was only by surviving my own that I’ve acquired the beginning/beginner-compassion to see another’s fear, pessimism, etc., as a kind of Song for Help, a song of armored vulnerability with truly no other war on their hands, but that which is holy within themselves…
There was a time in this journeying, while I was kneeling on the floor, that I felt wings begin to grow on my back and that they were eventually flapping… The environment (now the word/phrase ’Post-Apocalyptic’ comes to mind) around me seemed dusty, brown, somewhat neutral, while the sun was dimly lighting all…
Definite moments arose where Ayahuasca was giving me visions of choices and consequences, i.e., that I was to make firm commitments and promises to her in relation to the lessons being taught, revealed…
The subject of a new friendship that I’ve recently been involved with, came up: I promised the medicine that I would be a true healing, supportive friend and asked God and Ayahuasca to help guide me in the light of this healing opportunity.
Holy connections
With the ‘kind of’ purging of the damages done to the feminine, suddenly, I was able to make a distinct/direct connection between the existence of these energies/dark
residues (living malevolent echoes) and a semi-dark/gray, and at times confusing, self-sexual lifestyle… A sexual healing has also taken place throughout this night/morning. I believe that I made this connection while going to or returning from the river after ceremony…
Notes: Going to the river with Liam, David and Paul: taking the group photos, incredible fun, laughing, joy and helping/being with David on the walk back, giving openness and love. Seeing Shipibo designs underwater. Going and coming back from the river with Taylor; the trip on the river to the jungle-walk.
Towards the ‘closing’ of the healing processes/ceremony (not that they completely end), I intuitively knew that there was still material ’down there’ to come up/out: A voice told me that it would be coming out ‘the other end’ in a couple hours after getting back from the river; this occurred briefly… The day rose unfolding, unfolding, never old…
The Show is Over.
Responding to Jeff’s question earlier in the day as to how I was doing, I said that I was experiencing allot of hypocritical ‘visions’ of myself, contradictions, deep humbling portraits of opposite-being and feeling a little mixed up, wandering in a quiet wasteland of cerebral ‘bells and whistles.’ I went into the ceremony with a very positive attitude, concentrating on wishing to continue further with the ’mermaid travel-scene’ (If it was mermaids leading me underwater?) For the most part I did not have any aims other than those of being very open to the medicine’s will.
After drinking the Yage, I noticed that there was a piece of plastic bristle at the bottom of my cup; when I looked at it, turning my attention elsewhere within a second of drinking the tea, I observed that the change of attention to the bristle took the after taste away immediately… I’ll experiment tonight with reading a small verse right after downing the dose or looking at a picture… (I did not do this after all: I’ll experiment.) The tea went down much different than the other night, smoother… The ‘effects’ set in deep, wasting no time, the Sanango went to the terminations of my body and stayed there intensely: Sanango worked especially deep into my hands and wrists… There were points where it was nearly unbearable and I was broken down little by little to surrender to the ’hands’ of Yage & Sanango; the sense of surrendering my cellular, molecular, and electric albums to another intelligence is incredible!
I lay on my mat for awhile, not really knowing what was surfacing (I rarely do); it is like waiting in the dark of a stranger’s house for the lights to come back on, since we rarely know where or how to navigate the unconscious realms of emotions as they are uncovered by a consciousness bridged by a sentient being’s will to teach, love and transform…
I am writing this late in the day since I went to the river twice and then we traveled to the jungle by boat to hike a little in the morning: I asked Luco if he’d make me a Punga Negra tea and he agreed; we gathered the bark and I’ll try to have this during the first week of October.
As the Shipibo designs set in to matrix-weave themselves across my entire vision field, a voice came to me and said that I would be purging all the women that I have ever hurt in my life; I could feel the medicine ’brewing’ in my stomach, intestines and bowels; I could feel the density of the concentrations, as if the energies were being drawn there, accumulated/rounded up so to expel at an undisclosed time, a soul-septic-tank-scheduled-geyser.
An incredible event occurred in that, as my joy was stable for the most part, it went out once, and as dark energies/feelings crept in a little, a voice came to me and said, “Let me light that for you.” And Yage lit it again; it seemed a little humorous that while in the hands of Ayahuasca that such a strong aspect, that has been deeply with me lately, could be wisp out with the quick turn of her shawl.
The introduction tonight was light hearted, though once she began repeating that “The show is over.” and the medicine(s) was simultaneously digging deeper into revealing my hidden away, forgotten ’businesses’, the tempo changed drastically; I found myself on the precipice of seeing geometric Shipibo designs one moment and overlays of skulls the next.
Later into this process a sort of mini-tower-shrine of Malignant Force showed up in the middle of the ceremony room; I was in the midst of a sort of dual dimensional representation of opposing forces, the presence of sin and degradation, pain and selfishness, perversion and ill ways (and) healing… There were no ’wars’ taking place between the two, only extraordinary presence of meaning and objective impression via what these forces represented in me and how this temple had accumulated my ’worship’ and ’craftsmanship’ throughout my life.
A dark netting seemed to fall around me, although internally Ayahuasca was speaking calmly to me throughout the entire process, which lasted from about 10:30 AM to 2:00 AM… She would tell me when purges were coming, what, who they were and when I would be free to go, etc.
The intense dry heaving of air/gas from my stomach went on in stages: there were about 3-4 distinct moments where each session stood for an era of my life; one was for Laura (my second wife), another for my father, one for 3-4 people that I had hurt or used as a sounding board to advertise myself in some way, one for Vanessa (an old friend of mine from my graduate-teaching days at Tulane)… There was a very deep one (and possibly the last of this night) for Anne (my first love and who I spoke of earlier of having an abortion via our having been together in Louisiana.)
My mind/beingness was filled with shame, humiliation, deep grief, surprise, enlightenment, awe, and exhaustion, as the onslaught continued… Purging physically, psychically, emotionally and via a physical, visceral dance of squirming through the Sanango convulsions and tastes/sensations from the Yage stomach-gruel bubbling…
Ayahuasca would repeat throughout the night, 10-15 times, that ‘The show is over.’, transmitting to me the contents of this ’show’, i.e., arguing, righteousness, indignation, comparison, disbelief of others, inner criticism of their un-finished-nesses, unfaithfulness to lessons circulating within me (hypocrisies), retracting due to expectations of mine not being met by others, (setting up expectations that they’d never be able to prepare for in the first place), ridgedness, stubbornness, firmness, criticism, judgment, contradiction, preaching (advice set up to bring doubt-of-self upon another), and subconsciously reinforcing a trauma environment in me… (Acting through the celebration of pain. Being a ‘someone’ who is on the lookout for that which is wrong or doesn’t have enough of ’me’ in it… ‘Peeing‘, marking that which doesn’t fit the mold of ego; trauma mannequins, trauma ventriloquisms and a feeling of an insatiable need to get under people’s skin…)
As I was vigorously dry heaving, names would appear in my mind’s ’ear’, I would hear a name or series of names, and then dry heave the dark energies inherited from having hurt these people, regardless of their having consciously known of it. At one point I recall seeing a spider and other dark shapes come out of me in reference to Vanessa (I vaguely felt as though she’d cast ‘those’ in me or they simply ’were’ from her private relation to me at the time of our association (and) partially in pre-sent time too. (?))
Once the ’material’ was heaved out, ‘the story’ would be revealed to my consciousness and then hit my unsuspecting conscience-landscape next… Waves of shame and remorse would splash over me; there were times when I dry-cried and simply sat up with my head in my hands, watching the inner images appear and disappear…
For awhile I thought I’d descend into Hades again, though I was kept at a sort of doorway-point, purging on the entry way to hell…
There was a time when I distinctly ’felt’ the image of me face first on the bare ground and Ayahuasca’s walking stick being set down on the center of my back firmly (tough love squared), pinning me on the earth to further soak in the message that ’The show is over.’
During this time Ayahuasca came to my right ear and whispered, “I am not a whore or a bitch, I am all the feminine of the world.”
Visions of mainly skulls and the mood of a death-chamber or ‘bedroom of ill deeds done’ populated my conscious state while my joy integrated deeper into my presence amongst these forces: Something changed on this night, a deeper fusion occurred where the joy became ‘woven in’ rather than a living ornament/piece out in front of me… I cannot completely describe it now, only that I emerged as pure consciousness with the thread of joy faintly radiating in my ’skin’, i.e., my human-coat-ing.)
I had an experience of trying to manage the onslaught of purging sins and insults, where Ayahuasca said, “Do not try to control this.” I briefly spread a blanket of hearts over me and she wiped this away: I felt she was telling me that I could not protect myself from that which was not coming down into me, but rather ‘out of myself’. The sense of not being able to control the purge, timing, etc., was overwhelming; I surrendered as the Sanango cast my feet into ‘concrete shoes’, while my hands were two flopping fish on a shore…
One of the apprentices was stationed next to me and experiencing a death-journey: both of us seemed to be on the left and right sides of Yage standing in the middle.
At the end of one session of purges (late into the process), Yage told me that I was ‘free to go,’ meaning that ‘it’ was over and I could get up, pull myself together a little, etc. (i.e., that the healing was over, for now.)
Spirit shift
I sat up and experienced a sudden huge revelation that I am a soul, made of what the Universe is: nameless, placeless, a vast HERE. I envisioned myself as a stellar-dust-being who had inhabited the human-body-plant and who, in turn, had accumulated a certain ’kind of plant’ due to the soil I was planted in throughout my life.
I reintegrated into my body in such a way, that I can honestly say, that I will never be the same again: the merging was so delicate, so wisely orchestrated between cosmic-consciousness (a state of being a presence, a cell of the Universe), Remorse of Consceince and the will to be a better man-kind, that I am forever changed.
Today I have already verified that what worked for ’me’ two days ago in conversation and negotiations with people, does not and cannot work today, hands down, I am not who I was yesterday… I mean this ’not working’ in the most positive sense, that it is a regenerative aspect at work…
There was a time in the night where something came to me (an angel?) and communicated to me that I needed to open my heart; I recall seeing a glowing red chakra design/mandala innerly, though am not familiar with these enough to say which that it was (?)
The voice was speaking and emitting a message intuitively, that I was a cell in God’s heart… The incredible awe, shame in realizing how I had missed this for so many years, hit me hard, brutally… I recall having visions of crying tears of gemstones and geometric objects; my heart-field expanded and it seemed that my consciousness went outside the Earth’s atmosphere for awhile to gather some relative sense of this ’fact’ that I was a heart-cell of God’s…
Beauty too much
On and on, this process rolled… At some point I was sitting in my ceremony rocking chair (a rebar-framed chair, woven throughout with nylon webbing) when a mandala appeared in my lap, I looked down as that fully integrated cosmic-being and beheld it; I had to turn away, it was nearly too much…
I remember looking out of the Ceremony window, at a star, and seeing its electronic footprint/sky print, the waves emitting through the atmosphere/void surrounding it: Time stood completely still as I stood completely me; heart beating, blood flowing, heart weeping and my blood totally owned by sentient plant spirits. The star was a sort of jeweled spider at the center of its predator-less web…
The human plant
For the first time, I distinctly felt that these plant spirits were transforming my body back to some ’origin’, that, along with my will to change and regain consciousness over my innocence, that they were helping me exit History, so to simply be as I am; yet this doesn’t encapsulate the process, since it was the epitome of being very unknown, open ended and seemingly unstable… I cannot bring the ’right’ words to this now…
Also, the sensation that I myself or pure presence belonged or was somehow connected to these sentient beings as a sentient being myself, wearing a human plant, was utterly profound: It is difficult to describe how my/the shift of consciousness occurred, it was so utterly new, that I simply sat and became something else; more of a sameness, though void of intellectual content, non-informational…
Free to go to him
As I got up, (after Yage had told me previously that I was free to go, I believe, for a second time), I sat down again in the rocker and suddenly a voice came to me and an innate knowing: it felt, that buried beneath the collective pain that I’ve caused the feminine, there ‘rested’ a spirit-child; it was a ’he’ and I sensed that it was the son Anne and I had initially created: he said, “Keep me happy Daddy.” Something like that, a phrase akin to this…
The magnitude of this surprise literally brought me to my knees: I softly clutched my abdomen area and kept saying, “You’re in me, you’re in me.” The sensation was so sure, so purely there; no words were mentioned… The feeling that he had been growing up inside me was incredible, while the statement Meher Baba made when someone asked him if he had meet or how was his deceased brother/(uncle?), i.e., he answered “He lives in me.” came to me, merging with my actualized experience…
I found myself going to the floor, magnetically called, nearly commanded to kneel down and pay homage to the process of repenting, holy reconciliation and total conscious responsibility for my past actions… Ayahuasca would later tell me that I was not ready to meet the mermaids and did not answer my question concerning apprenticing as a willingness to become an administer of the medicine, though did tell me that she’d teach me some ’Arts’ in the next ceremony (?)
I got up and felt that I had to really take a shower and did so; while after the shower, drying off in the stall, I felt that something was trying to get inside me/my body; I spoke out loud, saying that it could not get in because I had ingested Ayahuasca, was in possession of my joy-state, etc. I suddenly felt the presence of my former ‘spiritual’ teacher of thirteen years, who I had decided could no longer serve as this role due to a corruption of his leadership, etc. As I slipped my feet into my loafers to go, I saw a film of red stars, diamond shapes and possibly white spheres, appear on them briefly; the sense of the fairy world passed me by for a moment…
More to come
I wanted to go back to the energy of the Ceremony House, so I made my way there; while sitting down, the medicine was still working deep and I suddenly realized that something dark was in the room, i.e., shade-residues that had been drawn out by the medicine. I could perceive that by rattling the leaf fan, Luco seemed to be brushing these energies apart and away (dissolving, releasing the tensions, etc.)
The apprentice next to me was having a very difficult journey: Luco’s incredible love and endurance was amazing. He performed nearly an hour long ventiata (a healing chant or series of chants) over her. Later I’d go to be with her in the ceremony house and walk to the river a second time for her final cleansing.
At some moment in the night, I thought that my/the totems would arrive from above the ceremony house, though nothing occurred; I conjured the dove and tiger; not a stir…
I did briefly see into a fantastic world where there was pictured what may have been the Headless Giant, i.e, one of the tree-spirits we used in the last brewing we did, we’re on our second batch.
A second visit
Through this second visit to the ceremony house, I began to purge again; I believe it was at this time that I purged my father’s dark energies ’invested’ in me… It was a big surprise that there was another chapter to this profound read!
Prior to this (after the shower), I had the very pressing inner order to get rid (put in the laundry right away) of all clothing and blankets that had been on my body throughout the night, so I gathered it all up in wash tubs: It felt as though I had shed an epidermis or ’thin atomic skin’ of some sort…
I recall being able to view the atoms in my hands, the molecular world within/of them, i.e., seeing through my hands to the other side…
Throughout this ceremony-teaching, I reconciled, somewhat subconsciously or serendipitously, the aversions I was feeling for certain members of our current group: Through this awesome shift, I have come to a place of understanding human expressions ’abstractly’, i.e., how they are subconsciously connected to the song and themes/plots/life-styles of traumas and stuck energies…
It was only by surviving my own that I’ve acquired the beginning/beginner-compassion to see another’s fear, pessimism, etc., as a kind of Song for Help, a song of armored vulnerability with truly no other war on their hands, but that which is holy within themselves…
There was a time in this journeying, while I was kneeling on the floor, that I felt wings begin to grow on my back and that they were eventually flapping… The environment (now the word/phrase ’Post-Apocalyptic’ comes to mind) around me seemed dusty, brown, somewhat neutral, while the sun was dimly lighting all…
Definite moments arose where Ayahuasca was giving me visions of choices and consequences, i.e., that I was to make firm commitments and promises to her in relation to the lessons being taught, revealed…
The subject of a new friendship that I’ve recently been involved with, came up: I promised the medicine that I would be a true healing, supportive friend and asked God and Ayahuasca to help guide me in the light of this healing opportunity.
Holy connections
With the ‘kind of’ purging of the damages done to the feminine, suddenly, I was able to make a distinct/direct connection between the existence of these energies/dark
residues (living malevolent echoes) and a semi-dark/gray, and at times confusing, self-sexual lifestyle… A sexual healing has also taken place throughout this night/morning. I believe that I made this connection while going to or returning from the river after ceremony…
Notes: Going to the river with Liam, David and Paul: taking the group photos, incredible fun, laughing, joy and helping/being with David on the walk back, giving openness and love. Seeing Shipibo designs underwater. Going and coming back from the river with Taylor; the trip on the river to the jungle-walk.
Towards the ‘closing’ of the healing processes/ceremony (not that they completely end), I intuitively knew that there was still material ’down there’ to come up/out: A voice told me that it would be coming out ‘the other end’ in a couple hours after getting back from the river; this occurred briefly… The day rose unfolding, unfolding, never old…
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