Ceremony 14

October 6, 2009

Love, tolerance, gratitude: Be grateful
for ‘Mothers’ and ‘Fathers.’




Purging the opposites of gratefulness through conscious shame; realization of my world-worthiness.

The pool of incarnate souls is so deep, a depth previously insurmountable by my ‘normal’ mind-morality, logical thinking; it is a vast cathedral of Eternity and Time dancing…

Prior to the ceremony my stomach was burning a little; letting go of the pain, initially caused by massaging it deeply, its effects quickly dispersed and calmed so that the medicine had a clearer platform…

My heart opening very broad: the message concerning gratefulness towards my father and step-mother’s roles, their work, investments and sacrifices: feeling deep shame about how I have not been/invested in this gratefulness-field towards their having walked it…

Yage told me at the beginning of ceremony that ‘this’ is what I’d be doing throughout the evening, i.e., sending love and gratitude towards them…

Feeling that some old/archaic resentment was standing in my way of being grateful. (The effects of being around hidden away consciences? Including my own? The world seems to teach a Heart-hide and go seek-game.)

Sending deep, continuous gratitude towards my father and his wife.

The scanning of my memories (Yage accessing them for me to see.) about how much of themselves and their lives they gave for my raising, no matter the form it took shape ‘in’, time was spent, efforts were untied and souls were involved: also, my Grandmothers too were included…

(I sense that my mother was not initially in this ‘list’ since I have worked so much over the last year and a half to invest and honor her place in my inner life, there were no big ‘loose ends’ that the medicine was rooting out, although I have found myself visiting her spiritual material and helping heal gray issues…)

Experiencing being a conduit/medium for Ayahuasca’s love and dance… Hot and cold body-temperature moments throughout the night. A Yage reference about my traveling soon to the ‘Battlefield of Love Sought.’ (?)


Red


Sensing the subject of ’Red Hot Anger’ leaving my energy stream; transforming it through my compassion, acceptance and will… (To love myself through it unconditionally.) Managing it with personal joy and love-open.

The incredible serpentine/feminine dances I experienced expressed through me while sitting on my mat listening/receiving the rhythms of the two leaf-fans via Luco and Bill, a visitor who attended and drank with us, alongside a friend who attended with him, Mausha.

Feeling a definite feminine spirit within me; as if Ayahuasca was dancing through me, celebrating existence by way of rhythm and being rooted throughout my body.

Giving space to the medicine to heal, i.e., getting out of the way; pure unfolding.

Seeing my skin covered in jewel-like patterns: having the very intense sensation of being filled with blue-green gems, that some inner-coating was being woven/formed, a deep suit of jewels. I felt this ‘filling up’ on a physical level as well, i.e., slightly painful…

Clearing the malevolent energies/symbols from the sides of my body and downwards: envisioning the open lotus in my belly and sex area. Purging on this night by all the ‘vehicles’ of letting it out, save being able to throw up liquids…

Luco’s incredible icaros, laughter and lightness of being: Seeing the energy patterns steaming off of him, his often disappearing head and the long energetic rays coming off of it like tubular feathers/rays…


Home


Looking at my body as ‘Home’, i.e., coming home, kissing the side of my leg out of deep, deep, fathomless arriving at home (Seeming like a soft version of someone kissing the earth after a death defying airplane ride.) Snuggling into myself and embracing all-this-body/myself deeply. Being with the healing quietness of the medicine’s circulating…

The quote coming to me, that “I have lied.” Ayahuasca telling me (later in the Main House) “Never lie again.”

(Exaggerations, living vicariously through others and my private time via complex assumptions or theories (even certain forms of hope), investing no actual deeds towards my aspirations and then inner/outer-ly complaining that they‘re not happening, subconscious dialog of non-probabilities that enter everyday-conversation about what I’d like to do and the revelations of how much I am what I speak when it’s filtered/revealed through conscience.

Speaking of an ‘oasis of self-planning’ that never occurs in daily life, i.e., creating a positive, pleasant-picture of ‘the self’ for another’s romance in you; going against conscience, using others as vanity/exciting self pity-mirrors…


Feathers


Sitting up on my mat and looking down, seeing wing-like shapes at my feet, as if the wings were tucked round me; also feeling them lightly moving behind me (on my back/shoulders, like a butterfly…

A realization, and the sending of it towards the heavens, that I have/am ready to sacrifice everything (writing, career, sex, art, all attachments) for this work with the medicine.

The strong epiphany, during the process of the medicine-ceremony, that we are here to be realized out of this ‘confusion of opposites,’ these forms of being preoccupied with comparison, the Wheel of Life, etc. The deep sacredness of the process of the medicine.

Yage working deep into my intestines/bowels. Throughout the night, feeling so close to myself as ‘home.’


Guests

The becoming of Netherworld and Sun


Bill and Mausha joined us from having attended a ceremony at Alberto’s the night previous; Mausha was having a difficult time this night… I found myself intuitively sending healing energies towards her and trying to envision a joy-mandala, a transformative spectrum-design above her. Witnessing geometric and a slight turtle shape overlaying/outlining her energy field while Luco was healing her…

When ‘in’ the healing-intuition, connected to Mausha, I experienced something incredible, a transformation, as if a vehicle/spirit device was integrating through my body (Two dimensions creating a healing/reconciliation-medium through me?)

I looked down and watched my hands take automatic poses and mannerisms, i.e., the one on the left adopted the nature of the Netherworld and was posed upright like a stop-hand-sign (Left hand: having qualities of dark Space, a vacuum, airless, stillness, stability, coolness, the timelessness of Death and cycles, etc.) While the right hand was turned on its side, like a spear point, representing the Sun; it vibrated from time to time (Right hand: burning energy, subtle (no glowing), alive, dynamic, directive, concentrative, with aims to heal, giving life, etc.) Directing this energy her way: stillness and vibratory… The feeling that something (the spirit of a dead family member?) had attached itself to her via a netherworld route.

Additionally, I experienced, while connected to this healing-conduit with Mausha, the power of the Little Boy within me, calling him forwards and his sending of yellow-flower energy towards her.

Briefly seeing, while looking towards Bill to my left, large butterflies in the atmosphere of the Ceremony House.


Friends

The birth process of Gratitude-practiced


A sensation of love and gratitude sent out towards my friends and writing many of them the next day from the Internet Cafe expressing this.

While in the Ceremony House I had a strong desire to go to the river, though did not wish to travel alone; I couldn’t find anyone ready to go. Instead of pressing this wish forwards, I stayed since Luco began singing incredibly beautiful icaros again (Not that they‘re not always this, though tonight there was a haunting depth to them that they usually do not contain). This helped settle me deeper into myself without needs or wants, to consider the lessons being taught/circulating in my consciousness, being-a-human with them and how I was blossoming internally.


Real flowers

After the Main Ceremony


Going to check on the chicken and her new fledglings, to see if a rat was trying to get them: Her roosting over the chicks while sitting in a blue plastic bowl under the outdoor sink area… Petting her, a beautiful beholding.

The revelation (while in the hammock) that each organ is a potential blossom, being-spirit-ally, etc. Having the sensation that each organ was blossoming, being with me/within, suspended…

The heart area/heart-chakra being opened more; opening the chest in degrees of actual daily practice, deeds and sincerity practiced: feeling a physical, tingling sensation with this ‘opening.’

Envisioning Shipibo designs and seeing matrixes of neutral-energy skulls here and there.

The Sanango ‘operated’ on my right arm while I lay in the hammock after the main part of the ceremony was over…

The inspiration/revelation of painting/creating Yage inspired illustrations, Aya-art, themes of opening hearts, smiling infants giving out the power of ‘I am This’, etc.


Body-work


The inner sensations of a quiet sexual beingness; the feeling that ‘it’ is for procreation…

A process is occurring in me that is rewiring, reconfiguring the relationship I have to ‘spending my seeds.’ Ayahuasca is showing me the sacredness of this planet-plant-body I inhabit, the implications of mixing energies, desires, etc. with the ‘form of sex/sexuality.’

Going outside to be with/check on a friend; looking up at the stars, a sense of the awesome life-ness and ability to be myself from the inside out.

While I was taking a shower after ceremony, I experienced the sensation of being a very different consciousness in my purifying body: That the medicine is slowly returning/or taking me towards an ‘original state’ (or) an evolutionary regeneration progress (?)

The sensation of being ‘ok’ by myself and the joy of receiving a friend as they entered the house after ceremony.

Bejeweled by being here and the deepening of the ‘I am this state.’

An idea came to me about what Rumi and Shams were possibly doing together in their private time, their legendary Sufi sojourns, i.e., that Shams had introduced Rumi to similar medicine as Yage (Soma?) and that they were traveling/purging/transforming the worlds of themselves together. And how so much of Rumi’s and Hafiz’s love-poetry and prose is like the Yage dimension of teaching/being/experiencing.

The breaking of the myth within me that the medicine was loosing its ‘electricity’ due to its aging in the humidity here; this ceremony and the previous one proved this is not true.

Emotional breakthroughs, the day prior and today, with a new friend I have here; the emotional conversation between us, speaking of old souls, what is/was revealed of my soul’s being while in the Yage zone with them, etc. (Referencing the jungle ceremony specifically.)

The stepping into that emotion-space of being free of opposite-relating…