Ceremony 19

October 19, 2009


Farewell to this name ‘I’
Friendships are gifts, not projects.



Vast openness, freedom of skill, freedom of the “I am” to pass through itself; pure air is breathing itself…

To begin: On this night I would experience the strongest and longest ongoing purge while in total conscious link with my body, i.e., I was able to participate in this purge rather than being ‘chained’ to it….

It is difficult to write this out, to find words, sentences to describe the new level of relationship I have come to… I started with drinking a third of a cup: Waiting 20-30 minutes… Looking and hearing around the room at the silence and experiencing that Luco was more quiet, I felt that the medicine had made it to a sort of precipice/edge in many people and was waiting to fly (not really going anywhere). For the first time I decided to take another dose, a quarter cup; after this my experience would commence, an awesome set of footsteps were on their way…

As I was sitting in the rocking chair, I was drawn to look towards the ceremony door (the only door in the structure)… I had to turn myself around in the chair, an unusual beginning as something began to materialize; I sensed that it was my new friend’s ‘dark-material.’ I recall feeling that she was chained down somewhere, shackled by being so ‘precious’ to others, particularly men. This preciousness was not a sort born of pure, unconditional love, but of a kind from/via worship of dependence, a need that compromised the freedom of the soul to express itself without objection or competition/rejection, etc.

I began to see and feel a pathway or tunnel towards this shackled place and began laying out beauty, acceptance, allot of color, light and carefulness with hand gestures and conscious, heart intent, being as gentle and selfless as possible as I parted these clogged energies that manifested as sorts of stacked, dark tiles or indistinct metallic flat objects…

I remember planting lotus seeds down there as well and unshackling, raising this retrieved part of her soul up in my palm, holding it in the air like a little girl might stand on her father’s hands to take a dive into the sea… I gestured it upwards and towards the sky, to let it fly. I felt its lightness and calmness, its quiet freedom floating into the night… There were two of these sessions back to back.

At some point, very briefly, I experienced the spirit of an insect embody me, a very large roach we had found prior to ceremony; it felt like it had appeared inside me to commence/perform a small, very specific-to-it duty. I do not know what this was, being only present to it superimposed over/between my consciousness and body, making gestures, feeling, looking/doing something (?)

The next part of this began with Yage telling me that I was going to purge my friend’s ‘ants.’ Strong visions of clusters of these insects came into my consciousness and I began to purge these; it was a very strange feeling to purge another’s dark material, to look and truly experience these forces belonging to another.

As I lay, dry heaving these, my state of joy was fixed in the mist, looking out; Yage told me, “This is what you wanted, this is what it’s like to purge another’s material.” Yage also commented on my shamanic apprenticeship, saying that ‘This is what apprentices do (or go through)’. Saying something to this effect…


Down the rabbit hole: The holy Soul miner.


The purge stepped down incredibly deep, to an electronic world level that I was not accustom to interacting with, (Usually it is the 100% doer, while I react and am immersed in being an ‘effect’ to its teaching-cause.) This time I was fully aware and a willing witness to the layers being peeled away to reveal a purer soul-state of being.

After the careful renovation of the place where a part of her soul seemed shackled and the purging of the ants (I have yet to understand their significance) Ayahuasca moved to a ‘part’ of myself, where it began to reprimand me on a recent argument I had with a fellow apprentice; she showed me how it had stained/soiled the steps of her White Cathedral within me, digging deep into a part of me that I would never have expected was impeding my soul…

The order of events gets a little sketchy here… I feel that the notes are the most important to get across in the recording of the teaching now… Yage told me that, “Arguing borrows the other person’s sorrow and creates Hell.” A significant part of this teaching took place in the bathroom, where I found myself going to while deeply immersed in Shipibo design grids and the familiar static/crackling sound of the electronic dimension.

While sitting on the toilet, ‘letting it all go’, there was a point where I connected to the honesty of the human condition I had embodied and let fall aside all feelings of being embarrassed over the sounds the purge was making.

I could feel an incredible straight drain going through the middle of my body, like a soft, though rigid pipe of sorts. A valve seemed to be turned on and in the midst of evacuating my bowels, Yage said, “This is what your arguing sounds like to me.” She also added that I would additionally purge ‘defilement.’

In my conscience/consciousness I could sense the utter inevitability of this ‘No other way to Pay’ approach, though had no idea how so non-linear it would be…

By the time I was back to my mat I was dry heaving again: I sensed it was also getting rid of that apprentice’s ‘borrowed sorrow’ from me as well, along with whatever forces in me that were created ‘negative weight’ and ‘soil on the White Temple’s pristine steps.’

There was a time where I turned to the Main House and sent an intent to that person, (they were not attending the ceremony that night due to a sickness gotten the day prior), asking for forgiveness and apologizing for not responding to him when he was obviously trying to make up (by creating a positive comment at the dinner table) for holding a grudge.

This lead to more purges and several new methods of evacuating/purging I had never experienced, a sort of dry heave belch and a whooping cough… I also experienced a kind of fever, sweating and shaking; this was due to the subtle and deep dance of the volcano-Sanango that had been brewed in with the Ayahuasca along with 10-15 other tree spirits, etc.

To not go into too much detail over the different stages of the physical purging locations, intervals, etc., it is good enough today (as I still feel like I am purging psychic material as I write this in my journal at 3PM) to record that I needed to take 2-3 showers, went to the river at 2AM with a friend, and revisited the Ceremony House to purge more in the midst of the shaman‘s presence, all in a night of continuous purging for nearly four hours; an emotional lesson for sure!

The intricacy of this purge process was incredible, astounding really, as the reality of my soul’s beingness would be disclosed/revealed little by little as Yage lifted these heavy ‘tapestries of self’ away…


White swamp, Black lotus


In mid-ceremony I lay on my back, as Yage had instructed me to do, so that the purge and I could clear out material more efficiently. After several long bouts of huge air whooshes out of my mouth, I lay, then, very ominous energies arrived…

Several times in the night, twice in the Ceremony House and a couple times in the Main House, I felt that I might have to call for Luco’s help as these nearly god-like dark forces arrived; though, in this night’s ‘interactive purge’ I was able to change my relation and ‘being/level of experience’ with the evils/sins that had only recently been ‘put in’ by this argument-borrowing of another’s material and also, there were several entities who were altogether seemingly indifferent to specific contemporary/personal events, instead, they represented archetypal evils/malevolent energies housed at the base of my spirit (Not sure how to describe the netherworld level in me.) Note: the recent problem with the base of my spine is gone today.

Returning back to being on the mat after several bathroom purges: I was feeling the wrath of Yage’s tough love, the nearly unbearable realization that this purge was upon me due to me…

No other relevant world exists but the conscious soul inside this Earth body (At least not at this most intimate time between my deeds and Ayahuasca’s deeper reconciliation’s to come.)


Lover colors


Somewhere between mid and the end of ceremony I lay on the mat staring up, suddenly separate colors in the form of a kind of fairy showed up in the airspace above me… The colors were vibrant, splotch-shapes, with eyes/faces; they began to paint me…

I sensed that each color had a personality, a lifestyle, feelings, a life to live of its own chosen way, etc. This group numbered 4-5 and my feeling was that they were ‘teenagers’ and not old ‘colors.’ They were painting me as a very dark ‘tapestry’ was being moved out of me and through the emotional/dynamic ‘experiencer’ of my consciousness by Yage.

At some point in the ceremony I became very disoriented, feeling that my consciousness might drop off the edge of existence itself… Yage would tell me several times that I was going to be ok, that this has to happen this way and no other way tonight. I was going back and forth from the rocker to the mat, not really knowing what I was purging, when and how the patterns would unfold.

There were times that Yage was very silent, leaving me to my own devices to figure out how to get out of my self-knitted net. The fairies were incredibly beautiful and profound; I sense they did something more specific and vital than I can rightly understand now.


Friendships are gifts, not projects


At this midpoint of purging Yage dove ruthlessly deep into the subject of relationships (friendships). She told me that, “Friendships are gifts, not projects.” and showed me the true to life coincedence in the name of my first wife’s newly acquired pet and the name of a friend. Yage would use this coincedence as a sort of canvas to say, “Do not make friends into pets.”

The Medicine went deeper and deeper, purging, moving towards some sort of level I could not witness simultaneously. It was near this time when it revealed an/the ‘area of creation’ in me; she was so thorough, so meticulous in its deconstruction!

The revelation came; the argument I had recently, my new friend, ‘I’ in general: Yage said, “Tonight we will purge the part of you that makes things precious, that invests self importance.” This began another series of purges (I was, unknowingly at the time, purging at least two separate issues/areas within myself) where I could feel the tension and desperateness’s in me leaving, parts/areas of psychic-machinery being demolished, melted down in my soul’s quest for what would later reveal itself as a quote when Yage told me, while I was settling back into the world of the flesh-senses that, “The only thing you can trust is pure love.”

Yage used my recent finding of the kitten as an example of making something ‘precious’, how I/we invest (loose parts of our soul-body) by putting ‘self’ into the external-ephemeral and told me that intent is not wrong or the bad-‘thing’, that it is the self-importance I invest in the intent which creates the imprisonment, the possibility of hell-housing…

Ayahuasca revealed a depth of being, helping me ‘resurrect it’, then I could consciously conceive of an existence as ‘now’, where an intent could occur through my heart, through pure love and without personal importance, i.e., a feeling of loosing or gaining a sense of self through actions, desires filled or unfulfilled…

Towards the settling-back-stage I experienced a resurgence of my joy, while dark-energies continued to battle for space… I experienced my brain (the inside of my skull) as a spaciousness filled with stars.

I came to a sort of conviction (because it worked) that problems, projects, desires, etc., do not belong in my mind, instead, their conscious place is in the heart.


Slow down, calm down


Also, at this time, I purged another deep part of self-importance, a kind of ‘dependence’. Yage told me to “Slow down”, to stop eating so much and treating myself to too many ‘treat-moments’, to “Calm down” and to especially stop entirely the consumption of caffeine. It revealed to me how caffeine was connected to that ‘self-body’ I had purged, that it was not a substance that pureness resonated with, (at least in my case right now.) And for me to drink only flowers/herbs. While drinking the chamomile tea I envisioned a meadow of this yellow flower in me; when I thanked it, the flower replied, ‘You’re welcome.’


Onyx drift


About this part of me that makes things important… A vision/experience manifested, I died, my name, my role as this character was purged from my being-presence; I could feel how, for so many years, this character of my name had been a sort of parasite, though not totally without my soul’s celebration and love of life…

I found my consciousness out in Space and witnessed my character’s body floating away, going back to the planets and ‘system’ that assisted in its formation… Soon into this process, I would also witness the giving back of ‘parts’ of the whole (body) by my making scooping gestures with my hands directed towards my body and handing to different directions in the sky these aspects of human, the parts that served areas of my life that were not regenerative.

Via the saying ‘goodbye’ to the role of my name: The clarity that came to me was astounding, so unavoidably true to my inner life knowing and my soul-being-presence as an astral being on Earth. (I have always had this intuition; what had nearly always been in the background of my consciousness was tonight in full glory ‘front!’)

The feeling was, that I had given back ‘facilities’ to the Earth itself (towards the ground), to the planets/astrological mathematics who created mind-patterns, types of people, constitutions, etc., (to the sky), these parts of my ‘whole name’ that they had produced, coating me in self-importance, competitiveness, drama-significance creating, doubt, strife, suspense and a sense of not being safe inside this body of systems not at my core-existence, etc.

Somewhat separately, there was a moment where I envisioned and was what I sensed is my true scale to the Universe, i.e., that of a piece of electronic, rune etched, fabric-fiber strand, intricately latched into a vast network of living ‘fibers’.

As this shedding and giving back happened, I had the extraordinary sensation that I had come home completely, that a kind of complete-spiritual awakening had occurred here at the purging of that which ‘filled pure intent with self importance’ and made relationships ‘projects (self-referred) and precious’ (dependant on-self feeding on self) or Illusion eating its shadow for nourishment… This complete realization of a total spiritual awakening occurred after my last shower: to begin its story ~


Shadow echo


I had come back into the Ceremony House after the first shower, feeling that I had more to purge (and did). Also, after my first shower Yage directed me to put on the small-vertebrae & red seed necklaces; this was prior to the myth-purge stage (that’s described below.)

Afterwards Yage told me to, “Go strip again and shower.” As I entered the house and was walking down the hallway, I could feel that some sort of demonic force/entity was on the edge of being removed (by the medicine), it was literally walking with each stride that I took, as though it were fastened on me like a scarecrow or rag doll a stickman… Actually it took on the form of a dense shadow-being: Yage told me a few times that I would be ok and that it (the entity) didn’t want to get under the cold water… For a brief moment I did experience a pause/stalling from my physical body prior to the shower, though nonetheless, I turned it on and got under.

While under the shower, seeing jewels flowing by mixed in with the water, I experienced a part of my consciousness as the Lucifer-legend/myth, I witnessed sins, evils, dark deeds and pain draining off of me and down the drain…

As I looked to the floor I witnessed the ‘body of lure’, ‘the body of biblical myth’ as the reality of being incarnated as a human being, as me, of being this solar system’s expression of a god-flower-innocent at inception, etc. I suddenly said, “I repent” several times and sensed that this dark inheritance had been redeemed…

There was also a slight sensation of sharing a consciousness with something bigger than my single soul, as if there were some kind of small redemption taking place in something else far away from me as a human-wrapped soul standing in a shower on Earth, that perhaps the fallen angel itself were being redeemed human by human who were realizing themselves by transforming this self importance-body into god-service, love and forgiveness (?)

Though ‘this’ was purged, others would follow: At one place in the evening, prior to going to the river with Paul, as he came in from the Ceremony House, I excused myself from the dining room right away and went to purge what would reveal itself as a sort of female-succubus.

Yage reached farther than ever before (physically) into my guts for this one; I felt that the dry heave vibrated the very bottom/back wall of my innards… I experienced visions of the Hades-aethetic several times this night and felt that Sanango was keeping certain degrees of the purge ‘aligned’ and running smoother (and protected). I also prayed several times throughout the night to the forces of all that is love, healing and good; angels, God, Yage, my totems, etc. to help me help myself.


Towards the end…
Misc. ceremony notes


The incredible healing that took place with the apprentice in the evening after this ceremony; my saying that ‘We have to build up with what we’ve torn down’ (no new raw materials.) Yage had told me several times (and made me solemnly promise to do so) that I would apologize to the apprentice the following day. Feeling that my purge actually ended psychically and energetically at the reception of this apology/conversation at around 8 PM.

My new friend’s dream journey corresponding to the previous night’s work…

No more arguments, no more urgency.

A note here in my journal that Ceremony 20 is to be dedicated towards my father, sending love and healing to him exclusively.

The envisioning of multiple lotuses at the chakra areas of my body and ‘touching’ them from the base/root to the crown areas.

There was a time in the ceremony, perhaps at the very beginning, that Ayahuasca spoke about making some final adjustments in/with my second chakra. I felt ‘activity’ there today during my nap/after, near waking/getting up…

A section of the ceremony where Yage tells me that I will be able to “read houses,” to “clear them,” to find rooms that are congested and bring them into a healthy balance: That I’d also be able to do this with people and that I am a healer… (Vaguely I sensed a message that houses are also alive/beings.)

The intuition concerning Jeff’s brother, as being a soul carried/following him through his incarnation into this world, i.e., an unfinished ‘business,’ souls somehow inseparable in their ‘individual’ quests. (A symbiotic prerequisite to each other’s evolution.)

The lesson of how self-serving, self demonstrating a friendship as a project can be. I received intuitions to ask “What is your friend giving you? How do you/I appreciate them without their reactions to what you’ve/I’ve given?”

Yage told me near the middle of ceremony that one thing that saved me from a more difficult night was my conscious avoiding of the movie some were watching prior.

“We argue and war because we do not feel safe in ourselves/our bodies.” (A lesson while resting in the hammock.)

Note: The discussion while in the hammock with my Little Boy, his happiness with my apologies and deepening commitment to be a better ‘Father.’ The incredible battle taking place between me and dark forces that wanted to ‘soil’ this joy of his, trying to distort his actual joy-expressions that I was envisioning into horror-shows. This is near one of the times that I ‘thought’ I would need to call on Luco for assistance, instead, I asked Yage to help me open my heart, to move this material from my mind to my heart, where I could process it, keep it safe, warm, loved and relevant to what I truly am.

From the hammock, I went to the bathroom several times in the Main House to purge/dry heave these forces: At one point I purged and while washing my hands Yage said, “Now you’ve paid for what you’ve done to your friend.” (i.e., the long argument with one of the apprentices.) This was a total surprise since the two or three purges were so intertwined, I could not distinguish a linear direction via their happening, i.e., a clear beginning and end, etc.

Being with my cat in the room (the kitten I found in Herrera) and seeing it as a positive, symbiotic relationship of conscious love and conscious need; I am no longer a dark-affirmation creator.

While speaking (after the ceremony) about one person’s journey to the heart of the Earth, my saying that the Dwarves are probably celebrating having seen her travel by on the way to the heart… Also, mentioning (half-jokingly) that the Dwarves may have played a role in creating our bodies, i.e., specifically the forging of the skeletal-structure.

My envisioning of the holy white skeleton in a sort of squatting or sitting pose, though nothing beneath it, hunched over a little, feeling its divine craftsmanship and in awe of who/what could have crafted its genius.

Many Shipibo designs; the first time of their resurgence, where they disappeared for nearly an hour and then came on strong later at the dining table amongst the others while we were talking.

After going to bed, when energetically/psychically sharing in another‘s purge that was occurring in the house: I had the vision of the vagina as a god-flower and the sense that the two sexes together, the ‘stem’ and ‘flower’ produce (or can produce) love-innocence/a certain ‘kind of child.’

Note: That we do not know what one another ‘Is’ no matter the external interests-expressions they manifest.

While going out at night to the river, seeing the circle galaxy or wheel of stars with Paul; feeling like it was getting me a little ‘detached’ from gravity/Earth, woozy, moving on to the river.

The walk to the river, seeming to take an eternity, while we were in The Eternal, sensing the nature/essence of it.

The talk with an apprentice about my visit to my fathers’ home. Note/quote: An example of the expectation-thoughts/inner-dialog, that ‘I will not appreciate your train set until it becomes mine, etc.’ (Qualifying others subconsciously to be a twin…)

Owning up to having hurt my father’s feelings; to have related to this through conversation with the apprentice… His revelations about his relation to his father, etc.

The apprentice’s comment about getting metaphorical ‘cookies’ from Yage.

The next morning at the breakfast table; Jeff’s thought concerning our being involved in a Co-creation: The delicate joy of sharing what actually belongs to everyone.

The awesome sense of being behind all talents, as a sort of expressionless master: to now choose with heart and not self-mind-intent.