Ceremony 15

October 7, 2009

Trust in God’s medicine.


I went into this ceremony with the specific intent to heal my mother, father and a new friend. The way into this, I would never have guessed it, i.e., by entering my father’s material, his inheritances as an incarnated soul (in) the masculine-human condition, his family dynamics (mother, father, grandmother and brother), his collective shame, his suffering and yearning for maternal/feminine affection, his not being able to get enough or of a certain innate quality of feminine love/appreciation, etc. (Perhaps when quality isn’t there, then quantity becomes a self-medicating device/lifestyle?)

I stretched (toe touches) before and during the immersion into the Yage-fields…

I experienced my inherited shame as well; a masculine ‘half’ of an ancient-whole-story. It seemed that my part of this ancestral-puzzle was dropped in from time to time as a reminder that I am ‘in it’ too, though having an opportunity to work it out, to unravel and slowly fuse the puzzle together into a cohesive emotional sensitivity for unconditional love’s application.

The game of putting the pieces together and having them scattered to the wind can cease through this medicine’s application/modalities…

Yage told me at the beginning of the ceremony that my chakras were going to be opened (cleared).

This process began with allot of dry heaving/purging of my father’s material, ancestral shame…

I received a message from Ayahuasca that something was stuck in my throat-chakra.

Luco came over during the last stages of this purge to assist; I experienced convulsions in my back, neck and head… He briefly massaged the back of my neck with one hand while shaking the leaf fan with the other and chanting.

Sensing a round rainbow in my throat-chakra area after Luco helped me with the purge: Also sensing it in other chakra areas…

Later in the night he’d sing icaros while including our names in them… I heard icaros on this night that I had not heard before; Luco’s son (Hulcker) drank with us on this night: Brotherly love. Recalling Samuel (the night guard) chasing the rat outside with a stick early on in the ceremony beginning.

Luco also addressed each ceremony attendee, telling us what tonight’s ceremony healing was about/for, i.e., what theme the medicine was concentrating on. He mentioned to me that it was ‘for my family’, he was absolutely right!


The dance of tough love.


Elimination through the usual ‘ports.’ Feeling that some-thing yellow was moving through me (finding and clearing the gray areas within.) Not sure what is was (?) Caterpillar, boa, etc.?

Heightened smell during and after ceremony.

There was allot of psychic material to purge (not so much literal subjects, events, etc.): Being purged through applying the presence of my rediscovered joy, I am (an ‘I Am-here with this as mine to heal, to own up to’) and placing present-conscience to the dark mists of shame and deep inheritance of this ’world as body.’

Also applying it to the syrup feeling of slow time, woven and unweaving, that had set in on me as I lay there with my face over the purge-bucket, off and on for several hours…

A voice came to me and said that going through this would heal the feminine. (By healing the masculine.)


Further into Father-realms


The immense subject of ’Closets of Pain’. How we create them; inner tombs of shame, etc. The holy application of conscious contemplation of Collective Forms/colors/moods/modalities of suffering. Praying that the revelations I had received would in some way be channeled to my father, mother, step-mother, friends, etc.

The shame felt by the realization that much of what I have done in my life, particularly for others, was not always asked for; that some ‘giving’ is a form of trespassing…

While in this dark ‘mist of shame,’ I experienced accessing the Inner-child and going into the White Cathedral of Yage… (To collect some reprieve?)


A key


I found on ‘key’ to the resentment that I sensed was keeping me from being grateful for my parents (or family unit as it was then: I am referencing Ceremony 14). This was the vision and partial re-living of a moment in my early childhood (fifth grade) when my father sat down with me and said that he was going to marry who would be my future step-mother… He also asked me if this was ok, though I recall sensing that he was going to do it either way, regardless of my say-so… I could sense that it was a symbolic formality. I also sensed his shame in relation to my real mother. (My re-experiencing of that emotional state.) A guilty conscience about what could have been if his actions were different?

I am experiencing an incredible growth in managing the medicine.


I am not ultimately a being of the desert.


While sitting in the rocking chair (in ceremony) I experienced the sense (visual and emotionally) of thorns appearing all over my body (like a cactus). I cleared away these with patience and a kind of knowing-trust in myself that does not involve mind activity.

I also experienced a phenomenon within me that communicated that I was developing a solid gold spinal cord in that moment.

Experiencing (this may have occurred in the hammock) the sensation of traveling, moving away from the Earth, through the atmosphere, out into Space; a neutral sensation, no specific information, plot, place, etc.


Postscripts from Grandmother Yage


Notes: Yage telling me to keep the temple clean/pure. Asking God fro guidance, protection, to assist with the aspects of applying love, wisdom, gratefulness and tolerance.

My seeing/perceiving as a cosmic-being-creation; ancient, realized as an incarnation here in this set of circumstances…

Thoughts/feelings concerning the esoteric school I belonged to; its teaching of the ‘effects’ of consciousness and my eventual need for Cause, i.e., to have cause and become it (or as we’d say in the school, to become ‘first force’) to align my lifestyle where I am a constant first force, no affirmation-dependency.

Envisioning inside me a gold-bullion spiral staircase.

Yage told me that ‘Sex is joyous.’ I intuited after this that it was not to be used for attachment, dependence, expression of expectations, control, anger/stress management, relief from expectations of the future and past, or the creation of Temples of Shame, energetic/psychic slavery, the drama celebration of The Irritation of Opposites, etc.




Suspended Pearls

In the hammock after ceremony.


Sensing that I was peeling off the ‘Skin of the Whore.’ The Prostitute of Art; seeing self-expression as a possible form of soul-virus, disenchantment from the self who is formless, not dependant on this physical incarnation for its peace, being, contentment, power, etc. (I would say that this ‘feeling’ about self-expression is not the only way life is lived/expressed as an artist, though it is prevalent…)

There was a point in the early morning hours where the ‘Red hot anger’ came back; this may have been the point where I began to pray and go into the White Cathedral of Yage. (?)

At home in my body. Waves of deep contemplation. Listening to it raining outside (also during the ceremony). Going outside and looking up at the storm-cloud-canopy, saying, “What are you waiting for?” Drawing the eye symbol on the ground and putting my hand over the four-way-split retina portion, sensing the Earth’s skin, giving to Gaia my healing intent/actuality, companionship-intent…

Feeling my chest-chakra-area, sensing the ‘Line of Chakras’, seeing (internally) white-like large pearls suspended in biomorphic masses within me (inner jewels).

The furthering of the feeling that deep work was occurring at the base of my spine… (root-chakra?)

Experiencing (This is common to all of my Yage ceremonies) the reconciliation of the left and right hemispheres, i.e., the third eye state of beholding, sensing,
contemplation, etc.


40/40

Still in the hammock…


An awesome sense of enthroned god-head.

The meditation on my total incarnation of forty years; sensing its shedding away and something completed. Suddenly having it related to the biblical ‘40 days and 40 nights in the desert (and the ‘resurrection.’) Having the epiphany that the ‘desert’ has/is the forty years in a human bound mind/cellular body-incarnation and all that this implies for the soul to have endured and is becoming realized out of it. (My 41st birthday is this October 15th.)

I originally wrote in my journal, that ‘…this (biblical passage) could refer to the soul’s incarnation into a body, a place where talent can distract from ‘being responsible for what little one has.’ ’ Ayahuasca told me to do this*, i.e., to ask for permission, to stop ‘borrowing’ things without asking; references to tools, etc. (*Referring to being responsible for what little I really have.)

The clear space of zero-affirmations: my body is the planet I am ‘on’. Massaging my

Having the observation/information come to me concerning the Egyptians treatment of funeral-items; being the incarnation and symbols of the mesh (the in between that merges Life and Death as one-being-here.) The Egyptians’ holy embellishment of Death, living endings…

Sensing/experiencing the time in the night/morning when the roosters begin to crow, an acknowledgement of some planetary shift (?) There was a brief glimpse of something happening on Jupiter (this planet and roosters?)

The sensation of being reconciled.

The feeling (and vague visual) that the lion-armed-boa was to my left and the dove on my right.

Sensing my ancient trail, the walking of this path (?) Yet, there is no information accompanying this ’reason’ or theme of being the traveler.

The vision of a world transition, the ultimate ceasing of the Wheel of Life (procreation); the inner transformation of the creative impulse for transcending the world of opposites, of Maya (chaos, desire & pain, war, fear and desire, etc.)

Being clear with my new friend about the companionship; keeping it out of romance and self expression without anchorage and responsibility of self, heart-conscience, resolved inner self-needs, etc.

Purging the memory/event-remnants of the night Laura (my second wife) and I were together for the last time. Deep remorse of conscience; applying joy, humility, trust, being and the sense that my inner state was one of payment for these hurtful times (redemption).

While spending some time at the dining table with one of the apprentices, who was very nauseous since he couldn’t throw up yet; I sent a brief healing intent to them through the same dual-hand gestures experienced with the young woman, though this time I sensed that it was not meant to be…

Prior to this ‘sense’, I had intuitively ‘scanned’ him internally and saw that his stomach was churning afire and that images of some dark sexual ‘material’ (sexual healing subjects-images) was being prepared for purge (though I have not verified that this was the case with him at that moment.)

I ‘disconnected’ and had the realization again that each is their own ‘galaxy of I am’, silhouetted black holes of the All Possible.

I experienced a further purge in the bathroom after ceremony: Observing my stomach muscles moving involuntarily to the intelligences of the medicine’s will of purge.

The realization that writing poetry was also a sort of ‘effect’ from a sexual energy ‘cause’, an attempt to heal, though kept a circular chain intact, hope, planning, etc. No fundamental change of results (in this circle). A sense that ‘free will’ is a kind of slavery, where masters are paradoxically dependant on slaves for their ’expressions.’

How we cannot know what was ‘in between the lines’ of/for the ancients.

A deep re-emersion into ‘Taking care of the little bit I have.’

The revelation that gemstones are innately related to the composition of the soul, the astral body.


Going to bed


While laying in bed listening to my Ipod. Envisioning Aya-sculptures, illustrations, etc. The chrome-plated infant statue that would reflect the viewer and possibly have some sort of geometric design on it; a jewel too… More inspirations to paint and drawings of skeleton material and flowers.

Experiencing an incredibly deep resonance with the icaros of Don Evangelino Murayay; the dancing and inner movements to this music. The Ayahuasca plant-spirit was definitely expressing itself through/with me; ‘her’ happiness was my happiness.


On my way to the river the next morning.


There was a group of men by the first bridge trying to get a water buffalo out of the stream bed, while having tethered it to a long strap… I saw that one of the men was wearing a shirt that had an illustration of a comic-cat face; below this caricature was a sentence that read, “We would like to personally thank your mother.” (It is her birthday this week.)

Alberto (Luco’s previous mentor/teacher-shaman) was there watching/hanging out… As I stood on the bridge next to the buffalo, looking at it, it finally stepped uphill and out…

While in the river, about to rinse off after the ceremony process, I heard something coming through the water just around the corner and thought it would be a person; instead, it was a huge, horned female cow. It walked towards me, then across the river and up a hillside: Once on top it let out a big moo and I took this as my cue to submerge underwater…