Ceremony 20

October 20, 2009

Wings of eyes


Tonight’s ceremony was dedicated to my father, to healing and helping him in any way… I went into the ceremony with a little trepidation, since throughout the day I had been getting ominous visions/feelings that seemed to be generated from the Hades-realm.

I delivered my apology to one of the apprentices (See Ceremony 19) in the evening, prior to this ceremony and felt, with this gesture, that my purge had finally completed. I went into this ceremony having healed with him and possessing one focus, towards my Dad…

I drank a little more than a quarter cup; the effects (feeling the door to the electronic realm slowly swing open) began within 5-8 minutes, and soon I found myself in the traditional Shipibo design motifs and heading towards the bathroom (several times). Yage told me that tonight was not going to be anything like last evening, though it would not be easy and I would soon be purging my father’s material…


Strict roses


My consciousness was turned into a deep psychic traveling, far into the breast of father-heritage. The sudden aspect of ‘Strictness’ arose and this is what Yage told me that I would be purging… For the next 1 ½ hours I spent purging and contemplating my relationship to my father, to my own personal investment in the phenomenon of ‘Strict’, opening my heart, praying, thanking Yage, God, my parents, Luco, etc. for this opportunity…

I was immersed within this sense of strictness, while Yage told me that I’d be purging for my father, my father’s father and my entire family’s lineage. The purge consisted mainly of deep dry heaves and much conscience-connections to my own inheritance and subconscious possession/lifestyle of strictness.


Inner reign


It was between 11:30 PM and 12:00 AM that Yage told me that I needed to go to the shower… Luco was giving Jeff a healing ventiata as I silently exited to the Main House. Deeply immersed in the electronic realm I entered under the water. This was the earliest to date that I’ve been able to leave the Ceremony House to take a shower while not deeply ‘kept-in-place’ by the purge process.

It is vague as to what I experienced this first of three showers that Yage would have me take (a sort of final cleanse/rinse in the purge process): As I entered the house I could feel that I was still ‘swollen with the expectancy of more purge’, i.e., I could sense both physical-mass and psychic mass-subjects in my belly…

I bathed, changed clothes and stood awhile, then went to the dining area. Yage told me that I needed to lay down, so I turned around, trekking back to my bedroom. Once in bed, she also suggested that I listen to some music, specifically Ravi Shankar; as I turned the Ipod on, it was already set to this… (The electrical/astral realm buzzed around me like a light, transparent, ultra vague green glow; I feel that when I am immersed in this realm that I am wearing a small part belonging to The Skin of the World-galaxy and myself, simultaneously.) I believe it was a little after 12 AM at this point, just the peak of a night-journey dimension that would last until 4 AM…


The Cabinet


I laid down and pressed ‘play’: As the music started I began to dance with my eyes, arms and hands, asking Yage and God to help me open my heart, to heal my father, etc.

Suddenly I found myself in some sort of gazebo located in a very vague garden outpost (the location is vague since the nocturnal lighting was very dim.) At this moment I knew that Grandmother Ayahuasca was standing next to me, although I could not see her.

A cabinet presented itself to me, it had two distinct halves; on the right were the instruments and medicines/potions of the Brujo (dark magic), while on the left were those of the Curendero (light magic): Yage, either prior to this scene or slightly parallel to it, began to shower me with love and jewels, mercy and welcoming, emotionally it was nearly heart attack material! Within this context she said that I was now her “son”, her “little boy”, although, too, I had in my possession “expensive freewill/choice”.

I chose the left half… The light-aspects that suddenly infused and bonded to my consciousness were Love and Forgiveness. I felt a nearly Deity-like level of existence in me, as if I was the Deity of these aspects, the child of their union, the possessor of these since they both came together to fulfill me with such endless awe…


Grace and gratefulness


I lay in bed dancing with my hands; as astonishing as it sounds, the music was exactly on key with each stage of this unfolding, each song seemed perfectly choreographed to meet what was occurring in me…

Continuous golden dust, stars, jewels, milk, sun, love, compassion, holding and releasing; all was showering into me. Yage continued, saying that there would no longer be any “big purges”, that I would only experience “gifts”, though that I too must give gifts through my daily actions/deeds, a reciprocal alignment, again, the “expensive free will” came to my consciousness.

There was a hint that I would be purging other people’s materials, though that as I was now her child, these would be brief or of a different level than the personal redemption-path as before…

The sense of completion, of returning home was galactic; I was Source, though incredibly stable in the humility of being a fledgling of Love and Forgiveness, yet sensing myself as a timeless deity of these light-aspects…


Waterfall standing


Yage asked/told me to take another shower: Once under the shower, I sensed Ayahuasca’s presence; standing, I experienced an incredible level of joy and play, a new child under a waterfall of acceptance, home, love, a sort of completion… Newness again, of body and pure presence…

I stood under the water with my arms spread out as if gesturing like a bird that’s about to launch into flight, while with an incredible smile, eyes wide with returning, wonder and happiness.

I was told by Yage, “Here (referring to me), this is the ultimate sculpture to be made.” I sensed then that much of sculpture is affirmative on a subconscious level to such moments of spirit-work as this… This sculpture comment was not one suggesting a static place (some-thing done and over), only, actually a perfect beginning inside the Eternal.

I went back to my room, changed into my swimming trunks, pulling my sweat pants over them and laid back down for awhile, while the music took me deep into the aspects of Love and Forgiveness, the relinquishing of strictness… I believe it was here that Yage mentioned that the flute is the instrument that I’d need to learn to play, that it would be an instrument of healing for me… This advice had a hint of a ceremonial-healing context in it.


Want not


My memory is a little vague, though the outcome was/is the same, in that I sensed I was in the midst of certain ‘heroes’ of my past, spiritual masters who had always given me goosebumps…

Suddenly I spontaneously relinquished/agreed to give up ‘Want’, Yage immediately said, “Ok, let’s go purge that.” As I entered the bathroom, with music gently fixed in my ears, again, the rhythm/score was perfect!

I knelt down and could feel the purge arising and with several involuntary contractions in my guts I deeply dry heaved it out; a mild vomit taste followed, though I had not produced any actual material.

Note: While in the house I purged several times prior to this ‘want-purge’. I believe one time was for my father, though I do not recall the dark-material’s subject…

I walked to the edge of my bed and sat down to put on my socks, to walk around and possibly be with people, I was still very deep in the electronic realm; I could hear the static from time to time while the music was shut off at short intervals throughout the morning.

While I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, Yage said to me, “You can have a cookie, though only one.” Dwelling a moment on the severity of last night’s ceremony and lessons towards ‘slowing down’ and eating treats, I replied, ‘Are you sure?’ She returned by saying, “Yes”. (She also added, “Though, no caffeine.”)

The purging of ‘Want’ was subtle, though throughout the next three hours (till I feel asleep around 4:30AM) and today it would reveal its spaciousness, aspects being born, expansion and a new level of ‘existence behind the mind.’ Again and again, throughout the night, Yage would both remind me of ‘tricky-mind’ and show me several examples of it, which occurred 2-3 times… During this early morning I also visited with the kitten, changed its water and gave it healing energies…


Dark ark


I went to the dinning room and sat down with the cookie and was instructed to make a cup of Chamomile tea; while drinking a few sips I was either still purging or I was ‘approached’ by dark forces…

A sort of Hades-living-tapestry appeared above me, I felt my body hunch over a little, my joy, love and forgiveness slowly surged up into my eyes, as they glowed inner-ly with the spaciousness now available from the purge of Want; the ‘vehicles’ of Love and Forgiveness treated this image with serenity (not wrath), detachment, though attention to detail, emotional worth, heart sensations and then I suddenly heard a faint voice say to ‘dance this out.’

Meanwhile I took the cookie and was perceiving it from the electronic dimension, turning it around in my hand, considering its ‘body’, ‘design’, ‘breath’, etc. This is when I noticed that the pressed design on the cookie’s surface resembled the Chamomile flower illustration on the tea box, near exact; a vague message from Yage arrived, a sort of confirmation concerning ‘drinking flowers’.

I began to eat the cookie in a way I’ve never experienced before: As it entered my mouth, it was as if it were bone, or a dry body, and as it dissolved, mixing with my saliva it gained flesh, nerves, a body to the skeleton, an oasis to the desert…

As I swallowed it I sensed its integration with me and the pleasure of Yage’s gift of ‘Only one cookie.’ I went to drink the tea (either before dancing or after); as it entered my mouth, a voice said, “There’s something evil in there, do not swallow it.” I spit this out in a glass: The voice continued and said that it (the tea-flower) had taken the evil into it. I thanked the flower and was instructed to throw the tea outside on the earth.


Ashes of ashes


I returned to the Ceremony Room briefly to sit in Love with all the others and the space; I could perceive the purge material in the atmosphere, dark portraits and designs; I believe it was here that Yage instructed me to take my third shower where I again experienced the new fledgling joy and her (Yage) toweling me off with embracing, joy, instruction and reassurance of this arrival as her son… I gave thanks to Luco personally prior to leaving the C.H.

Upon my return from the third shower, plugging in the music again, something very unexpected and incredible began; as the music of Ravi Shankar began my body started taking on postures I’ve never experienced before and I began to dance, what I’d later consider was a sort of Shamanic Dancing (with India-ish styles of movements, though by no means the same) where as I danced I could manipulate with cosmic-presence, love, forgiveness, tenderness, attention to emotional detail and transformation, desired/aimed for ‘forces’…

It is difficult to describe what ‘forces’ meant here with a one sentence/paragraph definition; I hope by the next few pages that the definition can go beyond implying…


God-clay


As I began to dance with my father in mind I asked Yage, God, all the angels and forces of Light to help me open my heart… Gestures of my hands pulling out forces of love and passion for forgiveness and compassion occurred. I continued to pull/stretch energies, play with what seemed to be orbs, ever changing in size, density and which I’d send away into the air…

I began to dance with meditations of my father flowing through me, thoughts/emotions of his hard work, his own soul’s path, his offerings of food, shelter, etc., all within the immense cosmic-fact of having done and still doing his best; abstract energies visited me, somewhat neutral though having a confused disposition, I touched, moved and danced into these, dispensing them, creating parallel light-love energies to accompany them in the now and dispense them transformed.

At one point I was making grasping gestures as if I were pulling long filing cabinets forwards in two different directions, i.e., rolling them far in front of me and behind, this was very dynamic, the cabinets/drawers slid out and back very fast for what I sensed was eternally long, never ending. I found myself doing this from head height, all the way down to my shins, since there were levels, i.e., about 4-5 drawers in all, one perfectly positioned and roll-able upon the other (and which could all be sliding by in different directions simultaneously.)

I had the revelation that these were the Ashetic Records, the celestial files of all expressed existence from the beginning, (though I am not sure what this sense of ‘beginning’ is.) The ‘drawers’ may have been long panels, since, as my hands moved over them, I was not filing through, instead it felt more like being at an old fashioned telephone operator station, unplugging and plugging in connections: this phenomenon dispersed and I continued to dance into this energy that I was previously prompted to “dance away.”


Calcium and heartbeats


Suddenly I found myself rhythmically turning around to perceive something connected to my father sitting/being on the ground behind me, yet ‘this ground’, although the perception was that of the dining room floor of the Main House, I distinctly knew that it was also ‘connected’ to another dimension’s ‘ground’, a sort of Hades-space, though not distinctly evil or diabolical, mainly exuding pain, darkness, constipation and sadness…

With extraordinary and never experienced cosmic-level love and choreography, dance movements which held and expressed Universal pure-intents of Love and Forgiveness living/breathing, I began to step into this space and journey towards this ‘little thing.’

I recall feeling an incredible sense of Eternal story, Eternal redemption and Love rising, feathering out of me in ways of conscious sureness of/in love-duty and the power to deliver myself into this role…

As I neared it, I was delicately stepping over obstacles/small barriers, shields and nets of darkness, mists of lonesomeness and grief, sadness and emptiness: I reached down and took it into my hands, it was a baby skeleton who was very angry/irritable, stiff, afraid…

I carried it in my hands while walking/dancing backwards, turning around I cradled it and then held it up, placing it into my heart; once there I could feel that a space above my head was expressing its blossoming and love-transformation: I continued to send love and gratitude towards my father.

Note: Prior to putting the baby skeleton into my heart, I held it in my arms, caressing, celebrating its god parts and objective innocence of being; a kind of heart to body operation.


Heart script


During this time I began to make heart outline-signs with my hands, sending these out, surrounding psychic issues that would surface, i.e., subjects of old mind patterns, attitudes, etc.

At one point in the night I would make this heart outline around my waist (like an equator), actually it was two heart energetic-drawings, one starting its points in the front of me and the other drawn from behind…

I went outside/was called to dance ‘this’ in the outdoors spaciousness and under/into Space (I had my Ipod playing the Ravi Shankar, Chants of India music at this time.) I started by making a heart sign on the earth (in the sand) and writing ‘DAD’ in it, touching it and sending the Love, grounding…

Note: I recall that while I was outside it was here that I began experiencing the overlay of deities within me for the first time: I believe ‘the first’ was one of the Wrathful Deities of Tibetan Buddhism; it was on fire, a little heavy set and holding the balances (Not actual scales; I felt that it possessed a yin/yang aura of action/duty.)

I began to expand the dance (or it may be more right to say that it began expanding me). As I danced I grew, I sensed that I embodied the deity-power of Love and Forgiveness, playing with spheres, energies, columns of energy, all having no specific ‘meaning’, mainly it seemed that all these created shapes/or grasped forms were offerings of a devotion that would later manifest while I lay contemplating the night’s moving towards my taking ‘the tired body’ to bed.

I danced into the Field of Creation, of all light/good beings, calling upon them to come to me: As I looked up into the tall tree canopies and low lying bushes, flashing lights began to show themselves (insects that possess a phosphorescent substance.)

I felt one presence while outside, manifesting as a light cool breeze behind me, though saw no beings arrive: It seemed that this was a time for me to express myself as the son of Yage and light medicine…

I will never forget these moments where I took/received the raw materials from the Field of Creation, investing in them my intents towards my father’s healing, towards Love and Forgiveness, sending them out into Space, Earth itself, an ancient deity-dance of surrender, expression, power of heart and unconquerable Light-soul…

I danced, shimmered, sent energies to the ground, skies, pulled heart-fields and flower-meadows from my inner being, sending these out to enhance the Earth. I did not (hardly ever) think about what I was doing, i.e., no preconceived notions/planning; nearly all of it was ‘all one’ with the music, spontaneous intent and an innate embodiment of these light-aspects…

I sensed that I was not dancing an entirely ‘personal rite’, that it was one primarily set in an ageless tradition of having reached this level of soul-participation, and as these deity-aspects and forms passed and stayed housed in me, they left unmovable ‘prints’ and ‘signs’ inside me as well… I am still processing all of this today, this was an immense night that would seemingly not stop unfolding!


Blessings


As I entered the house, having heard someone come in while I was outside, feeling that a little conversation or trip to the river would be good, I found that it was Luco coming in to go upstairs to rest.

I began dancing again: my hands, arms, torso, hips, legs, feet and head, all synchronized to some ancient chorography (Indian dance?). Though I know nothing of this form of expression, I could feel that each move/gesture had an absolute force and function in the electronic/spirit realm (That Indian dance was originally a shamanic tool?)

As I danced I began to take on the form of what I sensed as Shiva; this initial manifestation was a little confussing since, when I looked down I envisioned an umbrella of cobras appear above my genitals, as I danced longer I felt the presence of her.

For a moment I danced as Shiva, this quickly lead to my embodying another being (Yage herself?) I had never seen before… It started with my hair turning into a blazing orange color and simultaneously growing into long, wavy, sprawled out strands; I gained breasts, became pregnant (pregnant with myself, father and mother). My hips expanded to a healthy maternal capacity, my thighs softly fleshy and tappered with bare feet, I possessed no arms, instead there were huge wings of feathers with eyes (I danced the longest as this deity/being; I recall that I manifested as her twice this night.)

While dancing I was still dispensing energies, sending out Love and Gratefullness to my father, reaffirming and pulling tighter the one pointed aim, that this night be-in-total, without distraction, for him exclusively…


To stone


I recall a moment where the appirition of Medusa came to me while dancing and that I had the epiphany that ‘Turning men to stone’ referred to some ancient place in time where a corruption entered manhood’s upbringing concerning the sacredness of the genital energies, their primary passion and place (as I sense it) being in the field of self procreation and the adding of Light and Love to this Earth-plane and Universe we’re expressing in… That the ‘stone’ effect refers to the erection.

When this image appeared I remember that, with sincere understanding and love, I placed flowers and jewels into its portrait-field, touching it, unwinding the serpents and dispensing it…

As I danced I embodied several more deities: One was Ganesha, with a large bottom, legs and feet, possessing an elephant head: For a time I held one-legged postures while dancing from the waist up.

Additional to the human/deity forms that embodied me, I also found myself as a huge tuft of tall grass, dancing, swaying in some sort of astral-breeze; this flashed in and out of my experience quickly, lasting no more than a couple minutes…

I believe that it was at this stage that my father’s teenage body-spirit appeared in front of me; sensing it like the presence of vapors or a magnetic field between magnets, I went immediately/involuntarily to his feet and held my hands there for a long time, sending energies into them; grounding Forgiveness, going up the body, forgiving, investing flowers, lotuses, love and blessings. I also specifically invested flowers and hearts into the sex chakra, opening this area up, pulling out corrupted energies, bringing freedom, clarity and pureness there.


Laughing Buddha


Suddenly, with more and more heart energies going out to my father (I was dancing for him throughout all the deity-embodiments) something occurred in front of me; my father appeared in another dimension, pictured in my dance-field in the dining room: We danced together, our moves nearly synchronized (though not perfect). I began to cry and dance simultaneously as we joyfully motioned like two laughing Buddhas…

I could feel that we were inextricably connected as Buddha-souls, enduring this living myth… He laughed and smiled, we danced and danced, giggling, coming home into each other, coming home… My joy and ecstatic state was boundless, yet latched to dancing for him.

I began to think about my mother, Yage spoke and said that, “She will have her time.” Once again, I surged ahead, dancing, reestablishing deeper the non-stop feeling of investing Love and Forgiveness towards my father…


Mother reeds


Later, as I lay in the hammock, a sudden intuition came to me. My body was exhausted; Yage told me, “No more showers, though the river in the morning.” This intuition was to dance for my mother’s healing. I got up and quickly broke through the physical barrier of fatigue…

As I danced I took on the form of a paternal deity: First it manifested as a ‘perfect Adam’ character, then Zeus, then a sort of more slender form, possibly the Messenger of the Gods, Mercury… (This may be when I changed and danced again as the winged feminine.)

I danced and began sending Love and Forgiveness, healing intent to her: very quickly I saw a little girl’s siloquette standing on the computer table, sensing it in my inner eye.

As I moved to the Indian rhythms I recall a distinct change here with the healing of my mother-time, my feet suddenly took on the quality of high-strength magnets ‘stuck’ to the Earth; I planted my hips through the now immovable rootedness of my feet in the Earth and began to dance, shake and shimmer my intents into the Life-field…

Looking, sensing this open, electronic dimension, I found that a jungle of tall plants separated my mother and I; it was an amazing dance-path into this space, dancing and parting simultaneously this jungle with Hands of Love, strength, one pointed love aiming and forgiveness, alongside a power of acceptance that my consciousness has never experienced!

As I neared her I could discern the ashamed expression on her face, the frozen standing up posture of ‘being in the corner.’ She was so quiet, so simply there! When approaching the computer table (since the headlight lighting the room was now sitting on another table behind me) my shadow nearly met perfectly overlaying where her head height was; briefly I outlined my shadow and worked energies into it, though I sensed this as an abstraction or subtle distraction… I took to moving along her body in a similar way that I treated my father’s teenage spirit form: in this vision space my mother’s body was about three feet tall, at the age of 6 or 7 (?)

I took her up, placing her in my arms and began to do a sort of ‘dance-walk’, taking her back into the light: this was an immense time, feeling her shame draining into me and being immediately transformed and dispersed into the atmosphere above: I took her past the bright light and turned around with her still in my arms, and while facing the dining room’s back door, danced there with her, until one of the apprentice’s came in… It’s here where I ceased the healing and prepared to listen and share in his very difficult night…


Towards the end of ceremony ~
Misc. ceremony notes


Note: The apology and admitting to the apprentice of my ‘holding a grudge’ (strictness), the deep sorrow and repent-desire associated with its having played through me, seemed to set the stage for an immediate journey to the main ‘archetypal-emotion’ that has plagued my particular paternal’ lineage; this is my intuition today, as I record in my journal this incredible evening…

One of Yage’s constant mantras this evening was “Beware of Tricky Mind.”

Near the time I was getting ready to dance outside, I met with one of the neighborhood dogs laying on the porch; I sensed its energy, laying my hand on its right side, feeling its anger and fear within, attending and willing the fear to leave it, etc. I could perceive the old-ness of soul experience inside it, an incredible merging while in the electronic zone…

Note: Laying in bed, I remember accessing the clouds, i.e., the Airy Realm briefly…

This morning and afternoon, noting changes in my sex-chakra area.

While sitting at the dining table; my astral body-presence looking through the Tricky Mind, the mechanical universe of my cosmic presence.

Between the cookie & teatime and beginning to dance, a moment occurred in me of feeling torn between going back to the Ceremony House and being with others and staying inside; Yage telling me that we had work to do and my sense that the time alone was needed, semi-urgent…

When we’ve studied and become a ‘Dr. Love’, we can leave this Earth school.

After finishing with my mother’s ‘To be continued healing’ (See Ceremony 21) I was listening to Jeff’s story of his difficult night, sensing his story; a new sort of quietness and beautiful field between myself and my mind occurred. Statements expressing my brotherly affections towards him.

Mausha’s stories and sharing: that she is a god-flower, and my connecting in a positive, ‘floral’ way with her inner feminine manifestation… Speaking to her about sensing that I can now be a true man to the world, to slow down, to be earnest, honest, supportive, strong, hard working and trusting…

There was a time in the evening, while speaking to Jeff that a nocturnal moth came into the house; it was an incredibly beautiful design and I wished to help it find its way back outside. I got up on a chair (while still in the Yage zone to some significant degree) and asked it if it wanted to ‘go out’… I started gesturing my arm/hand to imitate its flying pattern, soon it landed on my hand, staying there, I was able to carry it outside to let it fly free…
__________


Written while in the Yage-zone ~


Be the rhythm that doesn’t express itself rhythmically.
Here is nowhere else,
The Universe in God-Mind,
Each human carries this inherited God-gift-resurrection.

To know Yes and No means nothing to the soul,
The soul expresses its powers in such simple gestures that the mind cannot play…

Soul Human says, “There’s a chip on the side of the cup I drink from.”
God answers, ‘Be ambidextrous.’

The Soul-human is often drunk with the birthing pains of the Universe…